Excerpts From Self Help For Other People Featured

ADOPT STICK KIDS


We see them lined up on the rear windows of the car ahead of us. But only Mom and Dad in the car. They probably left their kids behind. Probably with a babysitter or grandparent. Maybe in Daycare The truth? They have no kids. Instead they choose to adopt Stick Kids!

Yes, that couple is living a lie. But why have so many of us chosen to adopt Stick Kids instead of having real children? Well, to begin with, childbirth is painful and wrecks our figure. Babies destroy our sleep. And because young parents are too tired to vote, we pay a fortune for Daycare while the Government devotes itself to the old folks who go to the polls in droves. So doesn’t choosing Stick Kids instead make sense?

The problem with real kids is that they are loud, messy, and needy. Do we really want that when we get home from a hard day’s work? Stick kids are quiet. They are obedient. They all smile, even the teenagers. The oldest kid is first and the rest fall in behind. They know their place and they never step out of line. Why? They also twig that we can scrape them off that window anytime we want. If we do it accidentally while scraping ice, we just rush them to Stick Kids Hospital.

Stick Kids travel well. We don’t have to buy a huge van so that each kid has a separate seat. We don’t have to install an entertainment console in it so that they don’t kill each other. Stick Kids never ask if we are there yet. We can take them anywhere and never have to worry about how they will behave. We can leave them in the car, with the windows all rolled up no matter how hot it is and nobody will throw us in jail. And during the Pan Am Games in Toronto, single drivers with Stick Kids got to drive in the Diamond Lanes!

Afraid we will lose our school for lack of real kids? We just turn it into a Stick School. Stick Schools are quiet and orderly. Teachers finally have the time to do all the paperwork that Board Officials deem more important than actually teaching. They generate the same computerized report cards which are much better suited to Stick Kids than real ones. Only difference is that Woody’s canned comments are uniformly positive, so Parent Teacher Night goes much more smoothly.

Likewise we are all better off with Stick Pets. No feral cats in Port. Only Stick Dogs romping on the beach. But what are dog haters going to complain about then?

Stick poop?

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