Archives How to Improve a Port Paradise


Remember back in the day when we had those fondue parties, decked out in platform heels, accompanied by the magic of Barry Manilow? We were at the top of our game, cutting edge everything, thrilling our guests with Swiss culinary pieces de resistances.
But all that is so yesterday we realize, as we scan the guests at our most recent fondue party. The ones who aren’t dieting are lactose intolerant. The rest are scanning their phones, seeking rescue from ennui. Checking our bellbottoms in the hall mirror, it finally dawns on us. We’ve lost it!

How do we get it back? We merely have to keep up with the times.

At our next dinner party, don’t worry about the actual food. It’s all about branding ourselves as hip with it, and caring. So serve anything. But just before the meal, announce that your entree came straight from a farm that is committed to chemical free, polycultural, beyond-organic agriculture. Got that? Beyond-organic! Those poor schmucks who are stuck at organic are now in our rear view mirror!

Let our guests know that the food choices they see before them were guided by permaculture,. agroforestry, Druidic herbalism, forest gardening, cosmoculture and Gaia theory. Our guests will swoon! Speaking of Druids, it would be good to have an actual Druid present at this meal. For a very reasonable fee, they will construct a mini Stonehenge in our back yard. Check out the work they did at Glover Park. But be aware he may appear naked, painted in blue woad, and hitting on Gaia. Theoretically.

For dessert just serve honey. But be sure to mention that it came from minimally invasive, chemical-free beekeeping methods that respect the natural sensibilities and inclinations of the bees. That’s right! Bees have inclinations. Sometimes they are inclined to sting you, and sometimes they just buzz off.

Emphasize that the bees never experience insecticides or antibiotics. It’s so hard to get the needle in anyway. And inform your guests that these tireless workers never leave their ghetto for migratory pollination, such that when they have sex with flowers the honey is made from the nectar of wild flowers from our Carolinian forests.

Some sensitive souls present may feel sorry for these imprisoned insects, and some less enlightened than ourselves may believe that a Carolinian forest was discovered by some chick named Carol. Or that cosmoculture refers to push-up bras. But the majority of our guests will be so blown away by our post organic ,eco-caring, bee-loving persona, that they will beg us to inform them how they too might reinvent themselves.
Tell them it’s none of their beeswax!

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