Archives Excerpts From Self Help For Other People Free Stuff!

BECOME A NEANDERTHAL

Sensitive New Age Men, have you noticed that your partner has been lost in thought a lot lately? Too busy with the domestic chores to realize she is not thinking at all? Does the drool not tip you off?

She is fantasizing. While your arms are wrapped around a mop, her arms are wrapped around the tattooed bod of a hulking bandanna-clad Neanderthal, smoke hanging above his stubbled visage as seen from the back of a sleek Harley,.

They’re riding to the Notel Motel where he will have his way with her until, as the Romance writer might say, ”time and space are lost to their magic carpet ride”! The only magic carpet you are aware of is the one that magically returns all the soil you vacuum off it every week.

Meanwhile, in her fantasy, her love propels him from life as a low level drug mule to the head of the cartel. They jet-set around Europe only touching ground to have sex in airports on luggage carousels. Meanwhile, you, with your pencil neck, spaghetti arms and flamingo legs, are kicked to the curb, living in a Bouncy Castle and baby-sitting their beautiful children if you know what’s good for you.

Blame evolution. Over the eons, women who were dragged into caves by actual Neanderthals were provided with Mastodon steaks for survival, whilst the women who found themselves hooked up with the cave painters had to make do with Chihuahua burgers. So the DNA of women who fancied muscles survives today. Their taste in men is wired into it. Not their fault.

Of course, in this age of technology, medicine, and education, women don’t need a Neanderthal for anything. They should be preferring your immense brain and potential income atop that pencil neck. But emotionally there is a disconnect between what their genes are telling them, and who you are. That’s where the biker fantasy comes in.

But some women make that fantasy a reality! Do we really want to lose our sweethearts to guys who burp the alphabet? No! We have to use our big brains to defeat those whose advantages lie south of their smaller brains, if you know what we mean. We have to be badder Bad Boys than our partners’ fantasy stud muffins!

Not taking our library books back on time will not cut it. Forget hiding the Styrofoam in the recycling bin, or sneaking the latex balloons into the hospital. Don’t even consider arm wrestling. Especially not with her. So what’s a Geek to do to become a Bad Boy? Simple. Purchase a bicycle built for two!

But can you be a Bad Boy on such a bicycle?

Oh yes. Feel Daisy grip your formerly chubby waist as you blow through stop signs, no problem. In heavy traffic let her hear you give drivers grief, (as long as they can’t double back to confront you). Dare to ride on the sidewalk, while she observes the hilarity as you sneak up behind pedestrians and ring your bell! Strut the sexy cycling gear featuring the ever-flattering bicycle pants and decorative safety helmet! Nah, forget the helmet! Set your comb-over free! She will swoon!

Oh, and purchase some temporary tattoos. They can last up to two weeks!

You Might Also Like