How to Improve a Port Paradise

Bring old time religion to Port

As the Good Book says, we are all sinners, living in this Paradise of ours.  Don’t we want to continue this trend in the Afterlife?  The Paradise part, not the sinning part.  It’s hard to imagine, but Heaven might be an improvement on Port.  For one thing, no water bills, and it’s not like we are gonna run into those neighbors we just can’t stand.

But will we make the cut?  The trouble with God is that he knows if we’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake. Some say that goodness has nothing to do with it, that bad people go to Heaven all the time.  That’s because we have the chance to repent of our sins, and if we time it just before we croak, we get the best of both worlds, so to speak.  We merely have to have faith, and how can we lose, betting on God?

We may be moral, but that doesn’t cut any ice with The Man Upstairs. The Dalai Lama is probably going straight to Hell unless he converts at the last minute.  We feel bad about that too, but we didn’t make the rules.  But if we are just being good to get into Heaven, are we really being good?  It’s like when your mother said if you don’t stop teasing your sister, you are not getting any cake.  So you were good, got your cake and then stole your sister’s cake and ran around the house with her in hot pursuit!

A Tent Revival Meeting here would straighten things out.  If you haven’t been to church for a while, the guy rapping at the front in the sharp suit is called the Pastor.  Singing behind him is his back-up group.  There could be snakes involved, and you might spot your neighbor speaking in tongues. Like that’s gonna get him into Heaven!  If you want to speak in tongues, but nothing is coming, try to speak in  French.

You will find that confessing your sins is therapeutic.  And don’t be afraid to exaggerate the bad things you’ve done.  Mention the time your mother told you not to tease your sister and you poisoned their cake.  You could gain celebrity status by being the baddest person there to be saved!
But now that we are eligible for Heaven, we might be dreading bumping into our Exes inside those Pearly Gates.  But think about them for a moment.
What are the odds?

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