How to Improve a Port Paradise

Build a Hospital

Some of us might say that we don’t need our own hospital when there’s one in St Thomas, anymore than we needed our $250,000 boat launch when there’s Stan’s Marina. But Council listened to the sum of us who are boaters but can’t navigate to Stan’s Marina. So why wouldn’t they listen to the some of us who get sick but can’t make it to STEGH?  Makes sense to some of us.

We have an excellent Fire Station, and few fires.  You would think these volunteer heroes have nothing to do but play checkers while patting their Dalmatians, but you would be wrong!  They got their hands full with folks who keel over on golf courses, in restaurants, and on our beach.  Why all the keeling over?  The official food of Port:  The deadly Lake Erie Perch!

Let’s say we ingest three 4oz pieces of fried battered perch.  Unbeknownst to us we have gone through 585 calories, 42% of our fat quota for the day and 100% of our cholesterol allowance.  Would you like fries with that?

We might almost think our restaurants are drumming up the keeling over business!  Fortunately it only takes a one-hour kick-boxing class to burn off those 585 calories.  But sometimes we just can’t make it there ‘cause the bridge is up.

Point is, unless we took down all the mirrors in our Ontario cottage, we know we’re not in the greatest shape.  We could have the big one at any moment.  That’s why our hospital would specialize in coronary care.  But wait!  There’s more!
In Port friendliness is next to cleanliness, which is unfortunate, since St. Thomas Elgin Public Health has identified chlamydia as the most reported communicable disease in these parts.  Chlamydia, besides being an excellent name for a girl baby, is more a consequence of friendliness than cleanliness.  So our hospital needs a floor dedicated to STD’s.

And given our huge retirement community, let’s not forget a massive Emergency Department to deal with the complications they tell us about in those Viagra commercials.  Statistically that problem is expanding rapidly and it seems like it will never go down.
At least that’s what we hear.

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