How to Improve a Port Paradise

Build a UFO landing pad

We all realize that given the number of galaxies in the universe, somewhere out there is a planet like Earth that can sustain life as we know it. Let’s say the people there were made in God’s image, just like us, but are a little improved, like a third eye on the back of their head, or a couple more ears so they don’t have to scream at a deaf spouse for having the television up too loud.  Something minor that you wouldn’t notice at a distance.

Maybe God made this alien planet a Paradise, just like Port, but this time Alien Adam screwed up and ignored Alien-made Global Warming and God told these folks to go find some other paradise to wreck. It’s not likely, especially that part about Adam, but bear with us here.  It’s hard to imagine this, but suppose these aliens are smarter than us, and put their whole population in their space ship in order to find a new home.  Suddenly, their Paradise Detector goes off, they see our landing pad, and here they are!

Why is this a good thing?  Well, it means more ratepayers for Central Elgin, more homes, better attendance at the Meat Draw, the list goes on and on.  If they’re so smart, maybe they can negotiate a tax decrease for us all!  And certainly their mother ship would be a huge tourist attraction that we could charge a big buck for. What a unique idea.  How could that go wrong? We could put them on display too and do the Freak Show thing, but we are way too nice for that.
Because we are so nice we would protect them from the outside world.  Like get them to grow their hair to cover up a couple of those ears, 360 wrap-around sun glasses to disguise that third eye.  Stuff like that. And we would have to keep the whole alien thing secret.  We could explain the spaceship by saying that this was another thing that happened when the Military Museum folks got bored.
There could be a downside.  As we all know, aliens like nothing more than to probe us, trying to figure out what makes us tick.  This in turn could lead to intermarriage.  Could we handle a child with four ears?  And because they are so smart they might take over the Council Meetings and charge hardworking resident tax payers for parking, treating us as if we were tourists in our own town.

Maybe they are already here.


BEAR WITH ME  By Patrick Harding
How do we improve a Port Paradise?

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