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Excerpts from How to Improve a Port Paradise

Archives Excerpts from How to Improve a Port Paradise Free Stuff!

LET’S ELIMINATE TOURISTS

Tourists are very nice people who come to our picturesque portside piece of heaven and turn it into a living hell! These Spawn of Satan plague residents with doofus questions like: “Is that the water?”, “Can I eat at that restaurant?” “Do I look fat in this Speedo?” They have to go! Local government has thankfully come to the same conclusion by making the day tripper experience as deadly as possible. How? Well heatstroke killed more than 600 people in…

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Archives Excerpts from How to Improve a Port Paradise

Add Another Memorial

Yes, we have the Fishermen’s Memorial, a tourist head-scratcher, and if you just thought “run-down, tarted-up psuedo fishing boat, albeit with a glorious carving visible only to nocturnal creatures due to lack of lighting and which only memorializes its donors”, stop thinking that right now! Never think, say, or write such a thing ever. Trust us, you will be sorry that you did. Plus check that the fire insurance on your run-down shack is up to date. We also have…

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Archives Excerpts from How to Improve a Port Paradise

GO POST ORGANIC

Remember back in the day when we had those fondue parties, decked out in platform heels, accompanied by the magic of Barry Manilow? We were at the top of our game, cutting edge everything, thrilling our guests with Swiss culinary pieces de resistances. But all that is so yesterday we realize, as we scan the guests at our most recent fondue party. The ones who aren’t dieting are lactose intolerant. The rest are scanning their phones, seeking rescue from ennui.…

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