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SUPREME COURT UPHOLDS BACON MURDER VERDICT

This concerns the trial of Regina Crackling, 54, a homemaker charged in the death of her husband, Butch Crackling.

Trial testimony painted a bleak picture of Mr. Crackling as a bullying spouse who denigrated his wife’s looks, abilities, and especially her cooking, despite the fact that he eagerly gobbled up anything she placed before him. According to Ms. Crackling her husband was also an inconsiderate lover who kept her awake nights due to his constant snoring.

“He was a pig!” she stated.

According to her own testimony Ms. Crackling finally snapped when on her birthday, her spouse purchased her a brand new Ford F 150 after taking out a second mortgage on their home. Ms. Crackling does not possess a Driver’s License.

But she told the court that her self-esteem was so low, that she blamed herself, and not Butch for this birthday slap in the face. She redoubled her efforts to make her husband love her by concentrating on preparing him his favorite foods at mealtimes.

At breakfast, it was bacon, as much as he wanted. She would then pack him a lunch of his favorite deli meats, which he would take to his job as a municipal worker. Years of seniority had promoted him to positions of authority there.

In fact he worked two jobs. He was The Guy Who Watches The Hole as well as The Guy Who Uses the Leaf Blower To Keep Beach Sand off Walkways.

Regina Crackling testified that this left him too tired to barbeque at suppertime, but she was happy to step up to the plate, as it were, with chili dogs done to perfection on the new Weber Grill that her husband had purchased for her on Mothers’ Day.

On the night in question, Mr. Crackling had ordered a midnight snack of home made pork rinds which had become Regina Crackling’s specialty. She went to the kitchen and cranked up the deep fryer that Mr. Crackling had gifted her on February 14th.

The next morning she discovered her husband’s unconscious body near the ATV he had given her for Xmas. An autopsy revealed he had died from ovarian cancer. With means, motive and opportunity, Regina Crackling was charged with first degree murder..

On cross-examination, Prosecutor V. Egan asked why she decided to ply her husband with poison! Over Defense objection, he explained to the jury that prepared meats such as bacon, hot dogs, and those great sausages that are stuffed with cheese, have been declared Group One Carcinogens by the World Health Organization!

“That’s the same category as Cigarettes and Asbestos exposure!”

“I had no idea!” stated Regina Crackling.

“Then why did you refuse to eat them yourself?: asked the DA

Ms. Crackling was fortunate to receive excellent free legal counsel, courtesy of Laughterhouse Foods Inc., Pork Bellies R Us, and the prestige firm of Sludge, Render, and Tallow. They successfully argued that Butch Crackling should have known the danger he was putting himself into. She was found Not Guilty.

The Supreme Court upheld the decision 5-4,with the two female Justices siding with the majority.

“Carcinogens? Who knew? Butch didn’t!” said Ms. Crackling.

Cackling.

 

 

 

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