Archives Excerpts from Fake News and Alternate Facts

THE MOON LANDING

Everybody knows that the 1969 moon landing was faked in a Hollywood sound studio using miniature rockets and landing pods, by the same production team responsible for the Star Trek TV series. The actor declaiming “a small step for a man” and posing as “Neil Armstrong” is actually William Shatner.

Why? Because the West needed a space victory over the Soviets, what with their space dogs and their Sputniks. The whole moon thing got started by JFK after solving poverty, world peace and racial discrimination, but technical difficulties thwarted both the Americans and the Soviets. The Russians gave up completely.   You would almost think they had better things to spend billions of dollars on.

Fast forward to the seventies. Governments are preoccupied with more important things, like, How did disco happen? How can we lower taxes on the rich? Stuff like that. The biggest rivalry of that time period was not the West vs. the Soviets. It was a bunch of Mormons from Ogden, Utah vs. a bunch of Afro-Americans from Gary, Indiana. Yes, it was the Osmonds against the Jacksons.

They were both wildly rich and famous singing groups. The Osmonds sold 102 million records world-wide, while “Thriller” became the best selling album of all time. Each had produced a male superstar – Donny and Michael. Each produced a female superstar – Marie and Janet. One was a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. The other was mostly strange. The only thing either had yet to achieve was to put a man on the moon!

So began the eighties space race between the Osmonds and the Jacksons. Money was no object. Thanks to Reaganomics, they could invest their tax windfalls into their space venture. First came the baby steps. The Jacksons sent up Bubbles, the chimp, in a successful earth orbit. The Osmonds sent up Marie in a similar vehicle knowing that even if she died, she could never have become a Mormon Elder in any case. She survived, but she never had another hit song ever again. Then Donny’s voice broke, and it was all over for them.

But did the Jacksons’ effort succeed? Consider the titles of their hits: ”Never Can Say Goodbye”, “I’ll Be There”, and “I Want You Back”. Michael’s return to earth was a little scary when the capsule, Billy Jean 1, heated up just before splashdown. His hair caught on fire and he burned his hand beyond all recognition, hence the glove.

Of course the Government couldn’t admit that 1969 was a lie and that Michael Jackson was really the first man on the moon. So the authorities blamed his injuries on a Pepsi commercial.

Maybe Michael thought he got no credit because he was Afro-American. Perhaps this explains his desperate attempts to alter his appearance after his return. Or was his metamorphosis kick-started by exposure to lunar gravitation? Did the same forces later cause an itch that forced him to occasionally grab at his crotch while performing? Was that why he seemed “spaced out”?

The exact year of Michael’s lunar achievement is unknown. But there is a clue.

He performed his first moonwalk in 1983.

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