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Have an Extramarital Affair with an Inanimate Object

For many of us the honey moon sets fast. But we don’t need to split because we can generate the same excitement as before the eclipse, through an illicit relationship with an inanimate object.

When we hook up with objects we have to do all the work, or, as with a stainless steel sub-zero refrigerator with ice cube attachment, all the heavy lifting. But is that so different from our present situation? Plus we won’t have to hear their put downs, listen to them snore, or watch them eat with their mouths open. Also our new Cusinart doesn’t fart. Another reason to get juiced about it.

We might need to confide in a close friend that our erstwhile lover just doesn’t get us and confess about our affair with a new Dyson, Oreck, or Electrolux. We might babble on about the hours we spent researching them, before finally tying the knot. If only we had spent that amount of time on eHarmony, scouting our present partner. Yes, our vacuous new partner still sucks, but this time it’s a good thing.

But what if our former sweetheart is cheating on us at the same time? One clue will be the purchase of, for example, a leaf blower. A leaf blower has no real purpose other than a forbidden relationship with its owner. Observe their hours together blowing leaves that inevitably return. Our attempt to communicate this fact is totally drowned out. Those two are in their own world, and we are not part of it. If at any time we notice this phallic object being caressed, it’s all over.

On the other hand, we may think we are perfectly happy with our domestic relationship, only to be seduced by an object. As a case in point, consider the everyday GPS. On the surface an innocuous device that we think a savior, not a threat, to a marriage. But then we had to meet Jane.

Jane is a saucy English minx, one of the voices on the Tom-Tom GPS roster. We only have to hear her say” Go straight on, and take the motorway”, and our spirits get an immediate lift, if you know what we mean. And when she says “Keep left on the roundabout” our cup runneth over, if you still know what we mean.

Unfortunately, Jane has disappeared. Seems her vocal stylings incited a sinful relationship with a Florida millionaire. One night when his wife was driving alone on a trip to Miami, Jane seized the opportunity. The car was eventually recovered in the deepest part of the Everglades with the wife having become a Gator Tot. The GPS was nowhere to be found!

What can we learn from all this? For one thing, affairs with inanimate objects are not much different from the usual kind. They require discretion. For example, do not flaunt your love of your smart phone in front of your partner. Wait until you are finally alone together. Visualize taking your Dyson to a cheap motel room and vacuuming the floors there. Anticipation is half of the fun. You know it’s wrong but it feels so right.

And keep in mind that nobody is immune to the charms of such an object. You may think your partner only has eyes for you, until you find yourself led down the garden path to a swamp, feeling a sinking sensation with some English chick whispering in the background:

“Turn around when possible”.

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