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HUNDRED STORY TRUMP TOWER OPENS IN PORT STANLEY

Cheers erupted as Donald Trump cut the ceremonial ribbon in Port Stanley Ontario, once a modest commercial fishing and retirement haven on the north shore of Lake Erie. “This outlandish monolith could never have happened were it not for the outgoing Council’s determination to make Port unrecognizable”, stated Trump.

Trump’s development looked even more impressive sandwiched between two miniscule five-story condo projects near the corner of Melania Street and Donald Trump Boulevard. “I honestly didn’t think this could happen here”, stated the billionaire politician, but thanks to Central Elgin’s Planning Department, the red tape just melted away!”

‘Of course it is fully compliant with Central Elgin’s Official Plan”, stated one such planner, interviewed on site at the ground-level Stormy’s Gentleman’s Club. We had 120 days to respond to the proposal, but somehow it just slipped our minds” he added, while busily stuffing American one-dollar bills into the thong of an exotic dancer.

Another planner, while getting a private dance, chipped in: “Parking and traffic issues are non-existent because nobody ever leaves the building. They got everything they need in there! The main objection, besides the nine inch setback and the new drainage issues, was that we could never fill the place. That’s it, baby, just like that”.

Yet the commercial portion of the building is completely filled, although many tenants are not paying any rent at all, a shout-out to all those in the area who assisted in making this dream a reality. Council now has the entire third floor, the local MPP shares the fourth floor with the online Port news outlet and other local print media. Service Clubs like the Lions have whole suites to themselves. It’s a win-win!

“Just got off the phone with Vladimir”, Trump was quoted as saying in a wide ranging puff piece in the London Free Press. “Thanked him for moving the Russian Embassy into the building. Just one more thing I owe that guy! I guess vodka orders are just skyrocketing down at the LBO. I wanted to move it here for convenience, but the Russkies said no. Apparently that building was designed by Joseph Stalin himself!”

Resistance to the project melted away once it was announced that a Trump Casino would take up the entire second floor and be home to the Miss Universe Pageant every year, to be hosted by Kellyanne Conway, with proceeds going to Trump University’s Canadian campus, situated on the fifth floor. But the deciding factor was the inclusion of a Tim Horton’s franchise, tucked out of sight as to preserve the small town charm.

 

 

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