POLITICS Self Help For Other People


Know Our History

Specifically Canadian history. To begin with, our first Prime Minister, John A. Macdonald, founded a string of fast -food restaurants, and when in power passed laws compelling Canadians to eat there regularly.

To encourage this, thin people were given a month to fatten up or to face deportation. The obese were granted massive tax breaks. Because this food could be preserved indefinitely without refrigeration, and as there were no refrigerators in 1867 anyway, Macdonald‘s made the PM a fortune.

As with Billy Carter, and Roger Clinton, Macdonald too, had a black sheep brother, Ronald. Voters avoided him because of his wild outfits and his use of make-up. That, and his overly fondness for attending young girls’ birthday parties scuttled his political ambitions and the chance for a political dynasty. Ronald was largely written off by his politician brother as a clown.

So John A. married Ronald off to a young freckled red-head. She is how Ronald got his revenge. His young wife urged him to start a food empire of his own. He wanted to call it Peter Pan’s after the very popular J.M Barrie character of the time. His new wife wanted it named for a different character, her namesake. Hence the birth of Wendy’s.

The next PM of note was Sir Mackenzie Bowell. His time in office was short, as he suffered a digestive surprise after devouring a Big Mac. Swearing that he would never let this ever happen to anyone else, Mackenzie founded a new political party that took him to power, the Bowell Movement. But shortly after, it went in the toilet.

Moving on, we come to Wilfred Laurier, our first Catholic PM, thanks to massive support from dairy farmers As Catholics were banned from Macdonald’s, Laurier shrewdly passed legislation in 1896 that allowed a competitor, Dairy Pope.

Strangely, Dairy Pope never really caught on until Queen Victoria’s Diamond Jubilee in 1897 inspired an obvious name change. Queen Victoria returned the favor by putting Laurier‘s face on the five dollar bill. If you examine the bill closely, you will find two words hidden in Laurier’s hair: “Dairy Queen”.

Laurier’s successor, Robert Borden, managed to take the dairy vote away from Laurier completely. His use of ice-cream to reach out to the children of voters surpassed Laurier’s tactic of kissing babes. He milked it for all it was worth. However, his administration collapsed when he was caught in a compromising position with a female named Elsie in a scandal labeled “Heifergate”.

Mackenzie King, was our PM for a record twenty-two years.. What attracted voters to him was his close relationship with his mother. This sweet man talked to her every day long after she was dead, through the ancient medium of a medium.

Likewise, this animal-lover also reached out to the Other Side to chat with his stuffed German Shepherd, Berger. Sometimes the three of them would participate in a conference call. It was on one of these occasions that Mom mentioned that the population of Canada had grown so much that here was yet room for fast-food competition. Hence the birth of Berger King.

To us they are famous. Sadly, south of the border they are just Five Guys.

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