Archives How to Improve a Port Paradise


Tourists are very nice people who come to our picturesque portside piece of heaven and turn it into a living hell! These Spawn of Satan plague residents with doofus questions like: “Is that the water?”, “Can I eat at that restaurant?” “Do I look fat in this Speedo?” They have to go!

Local government has thankfully come to the same conclusion by making the day tripper experience as deadly as possible. How? Well heatstroke killed more than 600 people in the USA alone last year. So not to be outdone, a program to remove all trees and to pave over grass in local parks was instituted here. Unsheltered picnic tables were used to invite “your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” to get fried under a pitiless sun.

Sidewalks suddenly end and women and children are forced to jaywalk where troubled loners lurk in muscle cars, encouraged under a bounty system to mow them down. The centers of roundabouts surrounded by heavy traffic were baited with picnic tables. Those of us who played Sega’s “Frogger”, years ago, know how this story ends.

Businesses have been doing their part by jacking up prices to variety store levels and by staying open as little as possible. But cottagers still rent and day trippers still trip. Couldn’t some entrepreneur build a factory, virtually on the beach, bursting with mysterious substances that nobody can identify and spewing noisome pollutants? Then stage a chemical spill. Shouldn’t that do it?

One of the main attractions is the incredibly fit life-guards,. They too must go! How? Well, their benefits should include free meals at local fast foodlots. If they don’t bite and fatten up, replace them with volunteers from local nursing homes who learned to swim by attending Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan premieres. Not only would this negate the Baywatch Factor, but also increase the number of tourists lost at sea.

As the bodies wash up, professionally vivacious Special Events personnel hired by local resident organizations could use the beach to host such surprise special events as “Neo-Nazi Meetup” “Pit Bull Picnic Day”, “Sand Flea Saturday” and “Beach Burial Sunday”, where the first child to actually asphyxiate their parent receives a free psychiatric evaluation!

The best tactic of all to may be to persuade local health authorities to erect a large billboard to post the following:

“Many biofilm residents in beach sand known as pathogens, can cause infectious disease. Accidentally swallow some of them and you might develop diarrhea. Digging in germy sand raises the risk of stomach disease, especially in children. Some pathogens can lead to eye and ear infections. Breathing these in could trigger lung infections, making it hard to breathe. Have a nice day.”

If education doesn’t work, a strategic violent incident engineered early in the season could discourage tourists all summer. So why not make the first long weekend of the summer “Bike Weekend!” Designate the beach for Hell’s Angels only. Everybody with a criminal record gets a free tattoo!

Then Sunday morning, at the climax of the, Motorcycle Mama Beachside Beauty Contest, who do we see invading the beach? It’s the Body Builders for Jesus Invitation Road Race, terminating at the water’s edge!

That would be a riot!

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