The role of any newspaper or journalist is to deliver the naked truth, specifically concerning the nude beach volleyball game between male and female staff at a local shoreline restaurant on October 17 2018, the day Canada legalized marijuana.
Ignoring the 2019 date for the legal inclusion of the drug into food stuffs, their cooks had infused their signature dish, the perch platter, with hash oil and had invited staff to partake.
As part of our in-depth study on the effect of legalization on a charming beach town, we could not avert our eyes from this relaxed attempt at team-building. Evidently, neither could local drivers. Ironically, nobody involved in the ensuing ten-car pileup was found to be under the influence of the newly legal narcotic.
A short walk downtown revealed that in hope of windfall profits, restaurants also ignored the law by lending new meaning to the term “corned beef hash” for breakfast and “pot pies” for lunch. These pipe dreams were dashed as patrons lingered for hours at their tables as if they had lost all sense of time. The sole food outlets to have profited thus far are local variety stores. You just can’t buy a potato chip in this town today.
A special meeting of the local Village Council found Developers and Council Members sitting in a circle on the floor amid a purple haze, sharing a hookah. They hashed out a motion removing all limits on the height of local buildings, definitively answering the proverbial Council question: “What were they smoking?
This so-called “Eight Miles High” bylaw received unanimous consent, After a quick adjournment we elicited comment from the participants as they slowly exited the building. The most common response was, “Excuse me, while I kiss the sky.”
The relaxed atmosphere the drug engenders is said to lower one’s sexual inhibitions. In elderly circles it is said to be a Depends remover. Seeking a serious take on this aspect we looked in on the after-service coffee conflab in the basement of a local place of worship, the better to interview the thoughtful religious.
The smell of freshly baked brownies greeted us. But food was the last thing on the minds of the languid faithful,who seemed to be intent on acting out selected verses from The Song of Solomon that made Sodom and Gomorrah seem like The Blessing of the Nets! And this was not even the United Church!
How had all this happened so quickly? Obviously a huge supply of the crop had been illegally grown and harvested right under our noses, and then recently distributed in celebration of this day. But who was responsible?
Outside the church in a drug induced vertigo, we face planted in the center of a huge flower bed. There we stared at a stand of what were clearly young marijuana plants shielded from public view by taller flowers . A quick survey of other such installations revealed the same thing.
We are now on our way to the headquarters of the Volunteer Gardeners, to inform them that their labors have been covertly co-opted by some landscaping drug cartel. We hate to disappoint these retired flower children, who, laughing and giggling to each other, happily beautify their home town. It will be such a shock!