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RETIREES WANTED!

As a person of a certain age, have you ever spotted an attractive person of the opposite sex approaching, perhaps forty of fifty years younger? Of course you give them a welcome smile in passing, only to get no reaction whatsoever. Then you realize. “I am invisible”!

If this happens to you over and over, do not despair. Your invisibility opens a whole new career for you in the exciting realm of espionage! The CIA, Mossad, CSIS, and MI5 are stepping up their recruitment of Geriatric International Mysterious Persons. (GIMPS)

In this age of sophisticated weaponry and technology it’s easy to be a Mature Spy. The white cane that converts to a sword can surprise. The Whisper 2000, the old school hearing aid that can hear a pin drop across a room would look suspicious in Daniel Craig’s ear, but perfectly natural on an eighty-seven-year-old Sean Connery. Remember how they outfitted his Aston–Martin with machine guns, oil slick, and rockets? Standard equipment on a GIMP wheelchair!

But what advantages would a GIMP have over your standard attractive and fit Secret Agent? Well, it’s not only the invisibility factor that allows you to personally be present at Kremlin strategy meetings without being noticed. Once their patterned support hose hits the floor, Mature Mata Haris, can proceed to employ a lifetime of sexual expertise to persuade their targets to tell them all. Their Licensed to Thrill male counterparts? Well, hopefully they have Viagra.

Often in spy films the hero infiltrates a Bad Guy summit, gets the secret info, then begs off to the bathroom to report back to Headquarters. His suspicious absence is soon noticed and he is discovered blabbing away the secret missile codes on the toilet. Had it been a GIMP absent for a good half hour, no worries. That is understood by all to be the average time it takes for him to complete a call of nature.

In such films, there’s always a scene where the bad guys suspect that the attractive young agent is wearing a wire. The goons are only too happy to perform a prolonged pat down, topped off with a strip search. But when the suspect is in her golden years, the drawing of straws, with the loser having to perform a perfunctory visual assessment, keeps her secret safe.

Then there is the scene where the spy slinks off to explore a room containing the blueprint for world domination. Frantically opening drawers, tapping the walls for hiding places, the search is inevitably interrupted by a suspicious bad guy who wants to know why the spy entered the forbidden room. While young spies are stuck for an answer, GIMPs can truly say, “You know, I have no idea why I came into this room”.

And there is always an Interrogation Scene where the captured spy with the photographic memory is encouraged by way of brutal torture to give up the names of his superiors, etc. Whereas GIMPs can state that they know the name, and would be happy to spill, but they just can’t recall it. What are the interrogators going to do when the punk operating the lie detector says ,”Boss, they’re telling the truth!”? Throw you in Jail?

Peace and quiet for once. But if you are planning your escape, just look your gorgeous young jailer in the eye and smile.

Poof! You’re invisible!

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