Excerpts from Fake News and Alternate Facts

TRUMP U FOXES UPSET COASTAL ELITES IN ELECTORAL COLLEGE BOWL!

The stunning victory marked the first time in eight years a Middle American school was crowned College Bowl champs! Head Coach Biff Bannon was jubilant as he oversaw his boys dousing teammates with vodka and engaging in locker room talk directed at triple-named cheer leaders Kelly Green Conway and Hilda Huckaby Sanders, both of whom pointedly ignored them.

Early in the contest it became clear that Coastal QB Butch Clinton had lost touch with his receivers and had to rely on the ground game. In fact the Foxes defensive corps, headed by All-American safety Val Putin had intercepted countless attempts through the air. It was almost as though they knew what was coming!

The tilt was supposed to be so one-sided that many key Coastal players failed to show. Some were told their healthcare would disappear if they made an appearance. In the trenches the entire Coastal backfield was made up of Latino players who vainly tried to penetrate the huge Trump U defensive wall, and consequently paid for it!

The heavily-favored Elites actually ran up more total yards on offense than did the champions. But when it really counted, Trump U made it count! But the few Coastal fans present blamed the influence of the huge University of Phoenix Stadium crowd.

Conway estimated the crowd at 200,000 souls, a new record for the venue that normally seats 63,400! They overwhelmingly rooted for the Foxes from opening kickoff. The rattling of jewelry from the skyboxes was unsettling enough, as the wives of billionaires anticipated the prospect of a Trump U victory.

Foxes Sports ratings for the classic were way up, despite only televising the game when the Foxes were on offense. Pundits who believed Trump U would play a traditionally conservative ground game based on going up the middle, instead witnessed devastating cuts by right wingback Brian Ryan, catching both Coastal defenders and spectators by surprise.

A tearful Sanders dedicated the victory to her famous father, the late military hero, Colonel Sanders. To her, the upset of the year could only be described as “finger lickin’ good!” In the opposition locker it was crickets, save the moaning from second-string lefty Tex Shapiro, who claimed the burn from the surprise loss would never have been felt had he been allowed to quarterback.

The unforeseen victory means tremendous revenue and opportunities for Trump U, headquartered at Mar-A-Lago Florida. The male-only institution is on its way to becoming the first Florida university to enter the ranks of the top 200 schools in the country, and this win will only cement that.

The school itself is attracting much international interest. There are plans for the team to go on a foreign good-will tour with friendly contests against such strongly-lead teams as the Istanbul Tyrants, the Riyadh Terrorists, and the Moscow Hackers. Some formerly friendly teams seemed cautious about such exhibitions, but the team President denied that the international climate had changed.

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