How to Improve a Port Paradise

Turn abandoned cottages into meth labs

Why?  Because abandoned cottages are an eyesore in this otherwise lovely lake shore village.  Certainly the new occupants would make every effort to keep up the property, if only to avoid suspicion. But only do this if the cottage is actually abandoned, like one where Grandma murdered her partner in some argument about watching hockey versus watching Jeopardy, and has been incarcerated for life. That’s about the same amount of time it would take the municipality to tear it down.

Of course these days life in prison means maybe 25 years for Grandma, until the Government’s new legislation is passed and we can finally rest easy that Grandmas Gone Bad are no longer a threat. Anyway, when Grandma gets out of the Slammer and returns home, she doesn’t want to open the door only to find Wolfgang, a young Meth cook of German ancestry, squatting in her kitchen and cooking up something that smells awful.

Plus there’s a load of unwashed test tubes piled up in the sink and some chick is rolling around on the floor hallucinating. Even if Granny is on parole she might whip out that Magnum .44, put it against the punk’s head and ask him if he’s feeling lucky.  You don’t want to make her day.  See, she’s not reformed at all!

An abandoned cottage is perfect for your Meth Labs. Nobody expects something like that, so Wolf is probably safe from the Community Police.
You may think that this can’t turn out well, but bear with us.

Let’s call you Red, and say you are riding to the ‘hood to your paroled Grandma’s house with a batch of newly baked cookies in your basket.  You knock, but Granny doesn’t live here anymore because she couldn’t afford the ever-increasing water bills and has sold her place to Wolf.  Because Breaking Bad reruns conflict with Girl Guides, Red thinks a Meth Lab is a dog.
Always prepared, she jimmies the lock to find Wolf cooking up a storm.  What big eyes Wolf has.  What few teeth he has.  Wolf gums the cookies, overwhelmed by this random act of kindness.  Next Sunday, Wolf accompanies Red to church.  When the Pastor calls on sinners to repent, Wolf breaks down in tears, gets a full immersion baptism and vows to give up being a Wolf  in favor of being a Lamb.  See, people can change!
Now isn’t that a happier ending than incarceration?

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