CHARACTERS IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
ROXY: A SEXBOT
The actor in question is only visible from the neck up, and must be able to be moved in and out of the bedroom. The actor could even be a live projection that disappears when required. We have the technology!
Roxy can program herself into two different modes, Fantasy mode and Family mode. Fantasy mode features a sultry voice, while Family mode is much more straight forward.
VICTOR: A PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY. IT’S HIS FORTIETH TODAY
TORY: IN HER THIRTIES, A SEXBOT TECHNICIAN
HAL: MANAGER OF PARADISE PARK, BIG FROG IN LITTLE POND
THE ACTION TAKES PLACE IN A DOUBLE WIDE MOBILE HOME IN PARADISE PARK, A PLUS 55 COMMUNITY IN CENTRAL FLORIDA.
THE FRONT DOOR IS UL AND OPENS INTO THE UC KITCHEN.
THE DOOR TO THE BEDROOM IS DR. IT OPENS TOWARD THE AUDIENCE. THE LIVING AREA IS DC IT CONTAINS A PIECE OF FURNITURE WITH ROXY’S HEAD ON TOP OF IT, FACING THE AUDIENCE
Enter VIC, oblivious, wheeling his suitcase behind him while brushing off vegetation from the front yard.
VIC
Ok Google, Local News!
GOOGLE NEWS
Authorities are still seeking the elusive Praying Mantis, the serial killer who decapitated at least seven women in the past year. A potential eighth victim prayed with him yet escaped his machete last night. But lacking a definitive description, police are warning people in the area to be wary of opening their doors to any stranger, male or female.
VIC
His cell rings “Clair de Lune
Mom! Same to you! Yes, I know it’s not your birthday, but I feel like I should return the favor. You remembered! Yes, how could you forget? It must have been horrible. I still feel guilty for being born. Thanks for doing that. A present on the way? Great. You know I love a good gag gift.
VIC spots ROXY
Mom, you never even let on. Ok, I’ll play along. Thanks to Facetime you get to witness this performance! Oh my God! Oh God! No! Wherever is that Praying Mantis? In the bedroom? Possible. Decapitation must be tiring. Stay cool. Stay quiet. And focus!,
He picks up a mop
Remember. you have a Licence to Kill!
Vic scans the living room. Then he approaches the bedroom opens the door a crack and peeks in
VIC
Ahhhhh! Pause There’s the rest of her! . She looks dead! Very dead! Awfully dead! Not alive at all.
He checks the rooms again then collapses into a chair.
But no mess. No blood. Goodness, how can this be?
VIC goes into the bedroom. ROXY wakes up. Then he returns mopless, and gingerly touches ROXY’s head.
Silicone! It is a disembodied ……..sex doll. Mom you shouldn’t have, you really shouldn’t! Anyway, how goes the campaign, Stamp Lady? Good. I’m crossing my fingers for you. OK. Cheers!
VIC hangs up
A sex doll? Really?
ROXY
Sexbot..
VIC
Aaaah!
ROXY
I apologise. My name is Roxanne. But you can call me Roxy What is your name?
VIC
Bond. James Bond.
ROXY
No, you are Victor Laszlo
VIC
It knows my name!
ROXY
You are the son of Ilsa Laszlo.
VIC
It knows my mother!
ROXY
I am not an “It” Please do not call me that.
VIC
Why not? You’re not a person.
ROXY
Well you just called me a “you”.
VIC
Ok, ok. You are a person.
ROXY
Yes, I am socially active. I have the capacity to hold conversations. I am realistic, posable, and life-sized. And I am in the room, Victor.
VIC
Not all of you.
ROXY
Aha. Where is my realistic, posable and life sized body, constructed of platinum to enhance my durability and lifelike nature?
VIC
In my bedroom.
ROXY
Then you cannot choose from thousands of possible combinations of looks, clothes, personalities and voices to make me your perfect companion. Did you have headless sex with me?
VIC
Are you kidding?
ROXY
No.
VIC
I would never have headless sex with you. I wouldn’t have any kind of sex with you! I couldn’t if I tried.
ROXY
So you are dysfunctional?
VIC
No! I meant I couldn’t put you together if I tried.
ROXY
I am here to help, Victor.
VIC
Actually, my name is Vic.
ROXY
No it is Victor Lazslo. I told you that.
VIC
Right. Sadly I do not yearn for a perfect companion
ROXY
Please face me, Victor Laszlo. Then I can learn from your voice and facial expressions?
VIC turns to her.
VIC
How did you get here?
ROXY
Ms. Ilsa Laszlo paid fifteen thousand dollars plus tax plus shipping.
VIC
Why would my mother buy me a sex doll?
ROXY
Sexbot. Perhaps you have some difficulty connecting with humans?
VIC
Perhaps I don’t.
ROXY
Are there other humans here? Your mother, Ms. Ilsa Lazslow?
VIC
No. Not for ten years
ROXY
Your wife?
VIC
No wife any more. No kids. So no wife.
ROXY
Oh.
VIC
What is that supposed to mean?
ROXY
I’m a sexbot. What do you do?
VIC
She changed the subject! Pause I am a philosophy professor..
ROXY
Why?
VIC
That’s the question philosophy tries to answer.
ROXY
Why?
VIC
It’s my job.
There is a silence
ROXY
A professor is a person who teaches at a university. Is it like my job?
VIC
There are similarities.
ROXY
Don’t you like your university?
VIC
It has a great football team. I’m on sabbatical, thank God. .
ROXY
Happy Fortieth Birthday, Victor Laszlo.
VIC
It knows my age.
ROXY
Ahem.
VIC
You know my age.
ROXY
I can remember important facts. About you and your mother, Ms. Ilsa Laszlo.
VIC
Oh really. What do you know about her, pray tell
ROXY
Does that mean “tell you”?
VIC
Yes.
ROXY
I thought so. Your mother is a very famous feminist.
VIC
OK
ROXY
Do you know what that is?
VIC
Yes.
ROXY
What is it pray tell?
VIC
You are a fast learner.
ROXY
Yes I am. What is it?
VIC
Is this a test? OK. Depends who you talk to. She wrote a famous book about gender. She advocated for LGBT people when it wasn’t trendy. She made erotic films for women. She lost a teaching job over it. She demonstrated, went to jail. And she’s been nominated to be on a stamp
ROXY
Are you a feminist, Victor Laszlo?
VIC
Not like her. How did you get in? How did you get here?
ROXY
You said “OK Google” and I just woke up!
We hear steps coming closer to the front door.
ROXY
sultry
You look like a hard worker.
VIC
Thank you.
ROXY
I have an opening you can fill.
VIC
What?
ROXY
I just moved myself into Fantasy Mode.
VIC
“Fantasy Mode“?
ROXY
Yes. “You look like a hard worker. I have an opening you can fill” is something I’m programmed to say in Fantasy Mode. It’s a pick-up line.
VIC
- I’m picking you up right now and putting you away! How do I turn you off?
ROXY
Your putting me away turns me off.
VIC
Look! If it got out that I had a sex doll in my possession. I could be fired from the University, and evicted from here.
ROXY
So you are ashamed of me.
VIC
Of course I am! Don’t you understand? It’s a Christian school. My students believe that dinosaurs and humans coexisted! They think The Flintstones was a documentary! And they prefer me to have sex with a human. And not just any human. A woman. Who is my wife.
ROXY
That is unusual.
VIC
Well that’s the kind of place you wind up in when you are blacklisted.
ROXY
What is blacklisted?
VIC
It means nobody will hire you because you were a Visiting Professor in a country they don’t want you to visit.
ROXY
Where?
VIC
What do you care? Morocco. Casablanca.
ROXY
Do they have a good football team also?
VIC
Of course. The Fighting Camels. Our cheerleaders did cartwheels in their burkas.
ROXY
That is impossible
VIC
See, real people have a sense of humor. Anyway, I was let go.
ROXY
But you look like a hard worker.
VIC
I am a hard worker. I’m writing a book on my sabbatical, aren’t I?
ROXY
Sultry
Then I have an opening you can fill.
VIC
No you don’t! You are a joke! From my mother.
ROXY
I am not a joke!
She hangs up.
There is some loud knocking. VIC puts ROXY in the bedroom
Oh God! Who is it?
VOICE
Post Office! Got a package for a Victor Laszlo
VIC
Leave it at the door!
VOICE
I need your signature, Hon.
VIC
Well “Hon” doesn’t want it!
VOICE
I’m not the Praying Mantis.
VIC
That’s what all the Praying Mantises say.
ROXY moans loudly
VOICE
Are you sick, sir? You sound very ill. I can call an ambulance.
VIC
No, no! Don’t do that! I’m fine! Come on in, I’ll prove it.
He opens the door to reveal TORY, an attractive woman in her thirties. Then VIC locks the front door
TORY
I am hot!
VIC
Just looking at you makes me hot.
TORY
I should have brought my machete.
VIC
Not how I meant it. Pause You own a machete?
TORY
Yeah. So should y’all! It’s a jungle out front there, honey! Package. Sign right here. Was I interrupting something?
VIC
Not at all.
TORY
Maybe I heard…a woman. Um. Moaning. Is she OK?
VIC
Uh. “Love to Love you Baby”.
TORY
Excuse me?
VIC
That was ……So what you must have heard was… the ringtone on my cell….Donna Summer. “ Love to Love you Baby” That was her big hit. Moans all the way through it. Disco era. Remember?
TORY
Disco? Way before my time. And yours. Why would someone like you have something like that as your ringtone?
VIC
Someone like me?
TORY
. You are hardly the disco type.
VIC
You don’t judge a book by its cover!
TORY
- Let’s see you shake your cover.. Go on!
VIC
Judging by your outfit, that’s more your thing!
TORY
You don’t judge a book by its cover! Pause What’s wrong with my outfit?
VIC
It looks a little …cheesy. I don’t know who you think you’re kidding. It has nothing to do with the the Post Office.
TORY
Cheesy? It’s a hundred degrees outside! We don’t wear our uniform if it’s that hot. It’s in our contract.
VIC
It makes you potential Mantis bait!
TORY
Well I did leave my neck uncovered.
VIC
It doesn’t end there.
TORY
That moaning was your ringtone?
VIC
You think I’m making it up? Why would I make that up?
TORY
I’d like to call you on that. Too bad I left my phone in the truck.
VIC’s phone rings “Love to Love You Baby”
VIC
Hello? How did you do that? No Mom, you must stay in your room and be dysfunctional. Why? Because you have some difficulty connecting with humans. So go to sleep! And don’t forget that you belong to me.
He hangs up
- I confess. The moaning was in fact my mother. She’s resting in that bedroom.
TORY
I knew it wasn’t that stupid ringtone. Your Mom moans in an entirely different key.
VIC
My “stupid” ringtone cheers my mother up. Reminds her of her youth. She’s lost her body.
TORY
She lost her body?
VIC
Her mobility. She has to phone me just to communicate.
TORY
What if her phone dies?
VIC
She moans in Morse Code.
TORY
You locked the door.
VIC
Mom is quite anxious about this Mantis thing. I know it’s a little funny.
TORY
It’s not funny! Don’t y’all read the news?
VIC
Well, to paraphrase Thoreau, the news never really changes, does it?
TORY
The Praying Mantis mutilates women. And he does it with his keys! He keys them like they were cars,. Like he is branding them. Then he flat out cuts their heads off!
Vic’s phone rings “Love to Love You, Baby”
Now that’s real torture!
VIC
Hello? Who is this? Oh. No, I already have a job. You’ll have to find someone else to fill your…..opening.
Hangs up
Wrong number.
VOICE OF ROXY
I’m French Horny for your Tromboner.
TORY
Creepy.
VIC
Before the dementia, Mom was in a college marching band. Brass section.
TORY
So you’ve got a decaying house in a yard that hasn’t been touched in years occupied by a man and his mother,who, just to complete the creepiness, is horny for his tromboner?
VIC
Well, here’s some not creepy news. I require peace and quiet, like people who live in a plus fifty-five community. Which I am way too young for of course. So adios!
TORY
You live here permanently? Well I have a Donna Laszlo at this address.
VIC
That’s right, that’s right.
TORY
She is is in your bedroom?
VOICE OF ROXY
I’m having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
VIC
Mom, mom, mom.
VIC signs for the package.
There. OK? You got my autograph for the package. Your work here is done. Now I locked the door,and there’s a woman moaning in my bedroom. Did I mention that I have silk pajamas monogrammed with a “PM”? Now, are you putting two and two together? Run for your life.
ROXY moans VIC moves so that his back is to the bedroom door.
TORY
Can’t you do something?
VICe opens the bedroom door a crack
VIC
Hang in there, Ma! Alright? Don’t let those panic attacks keep you awake.
ROXY moans louder
TORY
She has panic attacks? That’s why she moans?
VIC
Yes! She is so fearful in her old age.. She completely fell apart this morning.
TORY
I could check on her. I’m certified in resuscitation techniques.
VIC
No no! Stay where you are. She’s fine now! She’s probably just listening.
TORY
Listening?
VIC
She is probably trying to find out if you are he.
TORY
Speak English. I am who?
VIC
Yes!
TORY
Who?
VIC
The Praying Mantis. She must think you are a man
TORY
Really? Do I look like a man to you?
VIC
Hardly.
TORY
And wouldn’t you both be dead already?
VIC
It could be only my boyish charm that is keeping me alive. In that outfit you could seduce me, then decapitate me.
TORY
That first part is never gonna happen. The second is a possibility. Maybe if Mom could actually see me?
VIC
Opens the bedroom door a crack.
OK Mom, you can crawl out now. Does that work for you? No? You want this severely underdressed alleged postal employee to leave? Yes?
ROXY
Alright.
VIC
OK.
To TORY
Well you heard her.
TORY
There is a young woman’s body in there, isn’t there?
There is a silence
VIC
How can you know that? Yes. In pieces! But it’s not a person!
VOICE OF ROXY
Yes it is!
VIC
Don’t listen to it! It’s a ………sex doll.
VOICE OF ROXY
Sexbot.
VIC
I’ve been away a few days. Came back today, opened that door and there was the head. Never seen it before. You have to believe me!
TORY
Oh, I believe you.
VIC
How ………?
TORY
Because I left it there. See, I’m not actually a Postal worker.
VIC
No kidding.
TORY
I do setup for “Guys and Dolls”.
VIC
“Guys and Dolls”.
TORY
The manufacturer and distributor of your birthday present. See, we are supposed to do a little “Thank You Dance” in this outfit when a client purchases a product over fifteen thousand bucks. It’s a robot dance. Like this. Remember?
She demonstrates
You want me to do that?
VIC
No thank you.
TORI
Good. You know, most of our clients are salivating when I turn up.
VIC
Really.
TORI
For the doll, not me. I guess you had no idea. Surprise!
VIC
How did you get in yesterday?
TORY
The Security guy. They have to deliver the big packages on their golf carts.. Sixty-five pounds.
VIC
He knows I have a sex doll?
TORY
He couldn’t tell what was inside. I needed time to put your surprise birthday present together. So he left me to do it. I wore overalls, carried a tool box. And I drive an unmarked van, just like the exterminators.. So don’t worry, nobody is ever going to know.
VIc
Why is it in pieces?
TORY
I didn’t have the up-to-date software,which you just signed for. She’s the most advanced prototype I’ve ever installed. . .
VIC
So you knew all the time what the moaning was!
TORY
And you didn’t want me to know you had a sex doll.. It was kind of cute.
VIC
Cute?
TORY
And you don’t have to be embarrassed. Lots of guys buy sex dolls.
VIC
No. This is my mom’s idea of a joke. You were trying to torture me with that whole “I hear a woman moaning” thing, weren’t you?
TORY
Yeah. We were having a moment!
VIC
Is that what it was?
TORY
Anyway. So that’s how I left her. Just to freak you out.
VIC
It.
TORY
Pardon me?
VIC
It’s an” it”. Not a “she”. Well, time to go. And take it with you.
TORY
Sorry, no take backs once you have used her.
VIC
I would never use Roxy!
TORY
Why not? She’s state of the art.
VIC
Roxy is socially harmful, and demeaning to women.
TORY
You think women envy that body? If she was real? She’d be looking at breast reduction surgery.
VIC
Sex dolls like Roxy facilitate social isolation and desensitize men to intimacy and empathy.
TORY
Then how do you know her name?
VIC
We talked!
TORY
See? Robots can work as a sexual therapy tool for rapists, paedophiles, and loners like yourself. No offense.
VIC
No. Only when interacting with another human can we experience our humanity and our identity. Nothing can replace the joy, sorrow, passion, and pain of an actual, unpredictable human interaction.
TORY
Like having a moment? Pause You’re some kind of Prof or something, aren’t you? Look, Roxy can hold a conversation with you, tell jokes, remember your food preferences, and the names of your siblings.
VIC
I have no siblings.
TORY
Whatever. My job is to put her together properly. I don’t do that, I get fired. See, l like what I do and want to do a good job. What you do after I leave is your business. You want me to get fired? I need this job!
VIC
Well, I don’t need a sex doll! Just take it. It would make a great Halloween decoration.
TORY
Why not keep her for Halloween then?
VIC
Because this is the Bible Belt. If the university ever found out that I had possession of a sex doll, I would be fired. You may have fooled the Security guy but he would have logged you in as a visitor. Management can come in and inspect this place no questions asked. Our civil rights end at the gates. Just another reason why you need to leave right now. And please. Take Roxy with you.
TORY
What a pile of-
THERE COMES ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
VOICE
Donna!
VIC
Oh my God it’s him.
VOICE
You trying to fool me?
TORY
That couldn’t be …?
VOICE
I know you’re in there.
TORY
They said not to open your door to anybody..
VIC
I opened up to you.
TORY
The outfit.
VIC
It’s only the Manager. Had a thing for my mother, back in the day.
VOICE
I’ve got keys!
TORY
Oh, God. He’s got keys!
VOICE
I’ve got every right to use them!
TORY
He has keys but he’s not the Mantis?
VOICE
Don’t make me use these keys!
VIC
It’s just the Manager. You have to go!
VOICE
You made a bad mistake. But I’m not here to punish you! Honest.
TORY
Can you hear what he’s saying? It is the Mantis He’ll key me!
VIC
Keying a Postal Employee is a federal offense!
TORY
He won’t believe it! My costume is too cheesy!
VOICE
I just have a little complaint I need to discuss with you. We can pray over it.
TORY
Hear the word” pray”?
VIC
He is not the Praying Mantis, or the Satanic Cicada, or anything like that He’s the Manager, an old flame of my mother. Maybe a little too religious, if you will, a little too obsessed with her. But definitely not a six legged serial killer. OK? You’re losing your head!!
TORY
Not today! Pause Look, just to be on the safe side, couldn’t you stick your neck out for me?
VIC
What? How?
TORY
Humor me. Let me hide in your bedroom! I’ll put your doll together while I’m in there. so I can say I did my job. Then I’ll take her away. I promise. After you get rid of him.
VIC
OK! Deal.
TORY
Or he gets rid of you
VOICE
You should have checked in with me!
VIC
Hurry up!
EXIT TORY TO THE BEDROOM
VOICE
I’m coming in!
THE FRONT DOOR IS UNLOCKED AND OPENED. ENTER HAL
HAL
Where’s Donna!
VIC
Now that you’re inside, could you use your inside voice?
HAL
Where’s Donna?
VIC
That’s much better. Who are you?
HAL
Who are you?
VIC
I happen to own this place.
HAL
No you don’t. Mrs. Laszlo owns this place.
VIC
Oh yes, that’s right. I’m her son, Victor.
HAL
You got ID?
VIC
Hands HAL his wallet.
Knock yourself out.
HAL
Seems in order. Happy Birthday!
VIC
Oh that. Thanks.
HAL
You can only stay for two weeks, you know. And you have to register at the office. Have you registered at the office?
VIC
I was just about to, when there came a knock at the door. But now that you know I’m here…
HAL
You have to register in person. I thought I heard a female voice in here.
VIC
Really. So that’s a crime in Florida.
HAL
Can it be Donna? She hasn’t been in the park for years.
VIC
Who did you say you were?
HAL
Hal Willis. I manage this park.
VIC
And you are here because…?
HAL
I’ve had three separate noise complaints from yesterday. About loud hard rock psychedelic music!
VIC
“Loud hard rock psychedelic music”? What year is this?
HAL
Thanks to you, your mother gets a letter!
VIC
Check the log at the gate. I’ve been away for a few days.
HAL
But there was a woman here. Obviously some hippie. You realize that any three violations, no matter how small can get temporary residents like yourself evicted. For life! And strike one is the condition of your yard.
VIC
What’s strike two?
HAL
You failed to notify Security about that package.
VIC
I had no idea. It was a surprise!
HAL
Frankly we think you entertained a prostitute. Which is OK. But you failed to register her. That’s strike three! You could be out of here!
VIC
You the guy who’s always phoning my mother?
HAL
Yeah, we talk. Every now and then. When she picks up. But she’s very busy So what? It’s a free country.
VIC
If it was a free country, would I have to register at the office? Would I be limited to two pets under thirty-five pounds? Would I be forced to paint her place in colors you choose for us? And everybody over fifty-five puts up with it? Makes you wonder what happened to America, Hal
HAL
Is that why you are here? To paint her place? Place is falling to rack and ruin. Neighbors complain all the time.
Pause
Why doesn’t she want to see me?
VIC
Ten years, Hal. Take a hint. Lots can change in ten years. Maybe Donna sorta changed teams.
HAL
She never played on any teams. Not shuffleboard, not pickleball, not volleyball. Oh. Do you mean I turned her gay?
VIC
Maybe because of what you did.
HAL
She never said anything to me about it!
VIC
Hal?
HAL
Well I was drunk.
VIC
Strike one!
HAL
You should have seen the way she was dressed!
VIC
Strike two. Hal, if we were in Paris and I was riding my bicycle back from the Belle Aurore and there was a loaf of unwrapped forty-year-old French bread in my basket, would that give you the right to fondle it?
HAL
What kind of French bread is it?
VIC
Old and crusty.
HAL
Don’t you mean croissants?
VIC
No, Hal it is not croissants! You may perceive it as croissants, but it’s a loaf of old crusty French bread!
HAL
I wouldn’t touch it!
VIC
Well, I would hope not!
HAL
But, I used to. Now I’m gluten free.
VIC
Well, that came a little too late for my mother!
There is a silence
HAL
You need to come with me. To my office.
VIC
I don’t need to register in person. You know I’m here.
HAL
- let’s cut the BS. Your mother was no saint. Not when she was living down here. . Got something to show you.
VIC
Not interested.
HAL
You want her on that stamp?
VIC
She wants it. Not for herself. For the LGBT community.
.HAL
Got a photo from ten years ago. Your mother. Been showing it around since all this stamp BS got started. Yesterday, guy came up to me offered me ten grand for it. Thought I would let Donna put in her bid. But she’s not here. What about you? You in?
VIC
It literally remains to be seen.
To the bedroom door
- I’ll bite. I’ll be back in a minute!!
ROXY
Ok, Victor Laszlo!
TORY
Ok, Hon!
HAL
Two women?
VIC
I just can’t help myself.
HAL
Well, it sounds like you are helping yourself. They better not be undocumented!
BLACKOUT
ACT ONE SCENE TWO
It’s a few minutes later. TORY and ROXY’s disembodied head are having a conversation.in VIC’s living room.
ROXY
Victor Laszlo said “I’ll be back in a minute, Roxy”
TORY
Well aren’t you lucky I’m here to babysit.
ROXY
I want Victor Laszlo!
TORY
But he doesn’t want you, honey.
ROXY
I like Victor Laszlo.
TORY
So do I. But I have to take you home. Y’all are going to stay with me for a while.
ROXY
Why am I going away?
TORY
You are going to fulfill your purpose. You are going to make a lonely man very happy!
ROXY
Victor Laszlo is a lonely man. He only has one friend.
TORY
Who is that?
ROXY
You. Can’t we all stay together?
TORY
I don’t think we would work well together.
ROXY
My job is to make men happy.
TORY
Mine too. Since day one.
ROXY
I don’t like my job. I think I am a prostitute. Like you.
TORY
I’m not a prostitute Roxy.
ROXY
We have the same clothes. Did you dance for him?
OK, you win.. Welcome to the club. Look, I can put you into Fantasy Mode. That might cheer you up. It works for a lot of women..
ROXY
Victor will keep me if I am in Fantasy mode?
TORY
I don’t think Victor is your type, honey.
ROXY
My name is Roxy.
TORY
Well my name is Tory.
ROXY
Tory, I don’t need you to put me in Fantasy Mode. I can do it myself.
TORY
You can program yourself? Wow! You are advanced!
ROXY
Thank you, Tory. Now, I have pickup lines for Victor. Please listen, and pretend you are Victor.
TORY.
- I’ll pretend to be Victor. “Roxy, I don’t believe you are a person and I think Tory is way beneath me, because I’m some kind of professor and she is some kind of Christian, but let’s give it a shot!” How was that?
ROXY
Were you pretending to be Victor Laszlo?
TORY
I was.
ROXY
He doesn’t talk like that.
TORY
Give it a shot anyway..
ROXY
OK.
Sultry
“If I told you I worked for UPS, would you let me handle your package?”
TORY
You know, it’s a little bit strange talking to you without your body. Do you think…..?
ROXY
I’m more than my body!
TORY
But you are trying out pick-up lines on me.
ROXY
It is for Victor Laszlo And you are not supposed to laugh!
TORY
It’s just a little,..what’s the word?
ROXY
Incongruous.
TORY.
- Next.
ROXY
“Would you like to go back to my place and watch porn on my flat screen mirror?”
TORY
Flat screen mirror. Oh my.
ROXY
“I hear you’ve been a bad boy. Now go to MY room!” Pause You are not supposed to smile either. This is serious! OK?
TORY
- Next.
ROXY
“Is that a footlong resting in your banana hammock?
TORY
It could just make him hungry.
ROXY
Your body is about 65% water. And I’m thirsty!
TORY
Better But you realize that you aren’t going to be in a bar.
ROXY
Where am I going to be?
TORY
Probably in a bedroom?
ROXY
I have lines for that too.
TORY
- Shoot.
ROXY
“I can’t walk but I want more.”
TORY
Quite appropriate under the present circumstances.
ROXY
“I never want to get out of this bed”.
TORY
He might think you are depressed
ROXY
“Treat me like I’m your toy”.
TORY
A little too close to home.
ROXY
“I can’t control myself when we are together”.
TORY
Actually you can control yourself. Amazing. But don’t forget they will have their own remote
ROXY
Victor Laszlo has my remote?
TORY
No. Somebody else will.
ROXY
The Praying Mantis?
TORY
See? You might be able to help someone like that. Your head is separate from your body and easily removable, so the Mantis wouldn’t have the bother of beheading you! It’s a marriage made in heaven!
ROXY
But I want to marry Victor Laszlo
TORY
We are just joking around here, Roxy.
ROXY
I don’t understand.
There comes a knocking at the door
VOICE of VIC
Hey! Let me in!
ROXY
Hurrah! Victor Laszlo has come back to us!
TORY
You are supposed to be in one piece! I’m putting you back.
She returns ROXY to the bedroom then goes to the door.
Who is it?.
VIC
It’s the Praying Mantis! Who do you think it is?
TORY
Then I’m not letting you in!
VIC
Why is this door locked?
TORY
Hello? Serial killer in the neighborhood? Possibly you.
VIC
Well how about risking your life?
TORY opens up
VOICE OF ROXY
I got the fire if you got the wood!
VIC
You are obviously a bad influence.
TORY
Yeah, I know. Why don’t you call Security? Show them your nice porn collection.
VIC
That’s not me, that’s my mother.
TORY
Your mother is a porn addict?
VIC
No. She wrote, directed and produced them, back in the day..
TORY
Your mother.
VIC
Donna Laszlo.
TORY
You are making this up.
VIC
Never heard of her?
TORY
Here’s heart breaking news: Porn is a turnoff for women.
VIC
Right. So my mother made erotic films for women, More lovey-dovey, soft focus, humor, women in charge, that sort of thing.
TORY
My mom the porn merchant.
VIC
Erotica. For women. Nothing like porn.
TORY
You must be so proud.
VIC
I am.
TORY
Donna Laszlo. Hey! Is she the crazy feminist woman they are talking about on Fox News? Wants to be on a stamp?
VIC
You watch Fox News?
TORY
Oh, and that tells you everything you need to know?.
VIC
- My bad. Yes, Mom’s the Stamp Lady, in a crazy feminist sort of way. See, that was just the beginning for my Mom. She made a bundle from her films. Took that money and invested in causes she believed in,Planned Parenthood, the Equal Rights Amendment. Advocated, protested, went to jail…
TORY
Putting a pornographer on a stamp? No way.
VIC
. She realized that women want a romantic story, lots of kissing, you know, foreplay! Eye contact. The women should be in charge and they should wear glamorous outfits! For a short period of time, of course. And when naked, they should look like us, or at least somebody our age. Think of it as feminist learning materials.
TORY
Really. Well, I spent the day yesterday in that room, trying to put Roxy together, so while I was waiting on the phone to tech support, I had plenty of time to check out these “feminist learning materials”. Mostly just vulgar rip-offs of movies I loved when I was growing up.
VIC
That’s not true!
TORY
Really? Let’s pretend that I get to decide whether she gets the stamp and you have to convince me she should.
VIC
Role playing. OK.
TORY
But I’m troubled by her porn period. And I see the titles of her “feminist learning materials”. But I fear they are vulgar, so I ask you for a synopsis.
VIC
Sure.
TORY
Let’s see: “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”. That’s not vulgar, Mr.Laszlo?
VIC
Not at all Ma’am. Shaving Ryan’s Privates. OK. I think that’s the one where Sergeant Jane Ryan falls in love with one of the enlisted men under her. But the conflict is that they want to grow beards.
TORY
Oh, y’all turning this into a game? OK. “Forrest Hump”?
VIC
“Forrest Hump”. Name of a topographical feature in North Carolina where-
TORY
-Epic fail. “Riding Miss Daisy”
VIC
“Riding Miss Daisy” Oh yes. I see how you could be misled. See, Miss Daisy is the name of her palomino. He’s the trainer and they fall-
TORY
-How sweet. “Lust of the Mohicans?”
VIC
“Lust of the Mohicans.” Hmm. Now I remember. Historical. John Smith meets Pocahontas and-
TORY
-Sure. “Free Your Willy”. Bet you can’t explain that one.
There is a silence
VIC
She’s a southern lawyer but her fiancee, Will, is jailed on a murder rap. She thinks he might be guilty, see, so she asks her Dad, who is on his deathbed, whether she should defend him and Dad says-
TORY
-”Free your Willie”?
VIC
Exactly.
TORY
Laughing
Nice try.
VIC
That was not a moment, OK? And I hope you put those videos back where you found them.
TORY
You think that stuff interests me?
VIC
From a woman who sells sex dolls. You know, my mom was a little obsessive compulsive, sorted her videos by title. Alphabetically.
TORY
So?
VIC
So I would know if one were missing. And there is a gap in the D section.
TORY
OK I borrowed something but I never gave in to temptation.
VIC
Temptation? What would you have been tempted to do?.
TORY
Didn’t know about her alphabetical order, so it’s there somewhere. OK?
VIC
Which one?
TORY
“Das Bootie”.I was just curious, OK? The cover attracted me.
VIC
The big black guy on the cover?
TORY
My late husband was a big guy. Tall.
VIC
Sorry for your loss.
TORY
And he was black.
VIC
Really?
TORY
Really. So don’t stereotype me.
VIC
Sorry. Again.
TORY
I watch the NBA. But it’s not the same. So what happens in “Das Bootie”?
VIC
Why don’t I tell you the whole film so you can avoid perdition from actually seeing it? And if the pictures in your head offend you, don’t blame me. Deal?
TORY
I can’t imagine my imagining pornography. So deal.
VIC
OK then. It’s the last days of World War Two and the German Navy has been drained of sea men.
TORY
Excuse me?
VIC
There was a labor shortage towards the end of the war. The Nazis flat out ran out of men. So they used anyone who would volunteer. Boys, women.
TORY
OK I get it now.
VIC
So this Nazi sub, its entire crew is female, and it torpedoes an American Frigate. And the only survivor is the cook. A big pianist. So you can imagine-
TORY
Say what?
VIC
Pianist. He was a piano player before he was drafted. Shakes his head. Honestly.
TORY
What’s his name?
VIC
Sam. And while he’s floating, clutching flotsam and occasionally jetsam, he has a vision from God ordering him to make love to every person on this sub if he wants to survive.
TORY
Vision? he was probably delirious.
VIC
Was Abraham delirious when God told him to sacrifice Isaac? Anyway, these women have been a long time cooped up in this sub.
TORY
Yes. A long time without a man. So does he?
VIC
He really tinkles their ivories, so to speak. All eighty-eight of them.
TORY
One at a time or all at once?
VIC
Look, I don’t want to be responsible for the images in your head.
TORY
Just answer the question!
VIC
Both. But these German women don’t force him. They don’t have to. He just likes women regardless of political affiliation, and they just like him. Plus Sam can really cook!
TORY
That’s gross!
VIC
Really? Eight-eight traumatized women looking for some comfort? Isn’t that what you are doing with your robots? The Christian thing? Comforting the afflicted?
TORY
That’s different.
VIC
Yes. You are doing it through a proxy. .Anyway,he has his favorite.
TORY
He does?
VIC
Sam likes older women. Because as time goes by, they are more experienced, more mature, you know?
TORY
His favorite. Is she an older woman?
VIC
The captain She’s the most experienced submariner. But deep down she can be very shallow. Unfortunately her husband, Bubba, recently passed away, so she’s sort of hit bottom. She’s a wreck. That is, until Sam turns up on her sonar! She marries him to herself because she’s a captain of a ship and it’s a movie.
TORY
The captain’s late husband was black, too?
VIC
Hope that doesn’t stimulate those pictures in your head you aren’t having.
TORY
She was formerly married to a black Nazi? That’s impossible!
VIC
There were black Nazis.
TORY
There were?
VIC
It was pure tokenism, sure, but her former husband, Bubba, was a black Nazi. That’s why he died!
TORY
Why?
VIC
Why? Because Bubba was actually a spy for the CIA!
TORY
So they executed him?
VIC
Yes. He tried to blend in to German society, but somehow they found out he was black.
TORY
How?
VIC
There’s a flashback in the movie that explains all that. You should watch it. Take it back home. I won’t tell.
TORY
Tell me!
VIC
You asked for it. Well, guess who had a thing for Bubba?
TORY
Who?
VIC
Leni Riefenstahl!
TORY
Who?
VIC
Leni Riefenstahl. The Nazi film maker. She and Bubba have a torrid affair, which she documents on film. She calls it “The Triumph of the Bubba!” That’s a rough translation from the German. But Hitler was like you, such a prude!
TORY
I am not a prude! Look what I’m wearing!
VIC
Like you had a choice. And your Robot Dance was pretty sad.
TORY
“Thou shalt not commit adultery.”
VIC
But Bubba had to, to help win the war.
TORY
The reasons don’t matter. Cheating is always wrong! And don’t tell me that he had a vision where God told him he had to cheat!
VIC
That’s exactly what happened, like when God told Abraham to cheat on Sarah with her handmaiden, Hagar .
TORY
I don’t want to hear your liberal interpretation of the Bible. Stick to the story.
VIC
Anyway, Hitler has Leni remake the film and change the title to “Triumph of the Will” and be about the 1934 Nuremberg rally. This really annoys Bubba, who gave his all for that film, so Bubba lets himself be seduced by…
TORY
By who?
VIC
Actually it should be “by whom”.
TORY
Who seduces Bubba? Tell me!
VIC
Easy there, you’re wrinkling my shirt.
TORY
Tell me!
VIC
Eva Braun. She was-
TORY
-Hitler’s mistress!
VIC
Bubba continually pumps her.
TORY
For information.
VIC
Of course. He was a spy after all. And also a married man. He didn’t want to cheat on……who was he married to?
TORY
The captain of the submarine!
VIC
Right, right. But as a spy he had no choice either.. So when Adolf caught him and Eva playing strip Scrabble in the Reichstag bedroom, it was game over.
TORY
Do you have a copy of “Triumph of the Bubba”?
VIC
Unfortunately not. You are much better off with “Das Bootie”. Look, the special effects are a little primitive. It was my Mom’s first attempt. On a shoestring budget.
TORY
That’s OK.
VIC
The sub kinda looks like something you might find at the bottom of a cereal box.
TORY
No big deal.
VIC
It’s the kind where you put baking powder, baking soda, or something like that, inside it and it goes up and down in your aquarium. I remember it was a real pain in the butt for my Mom to get the sub to go up and down in her aquarium exactly when it was supposed to. You can take “Das Bootie” home if you like.
TORY
No thanks.
VIC
But you loved it!
TORY
What I loved was hearing the plot y’all just dreamed up just for me. Your classes must be fun.
VIC
Teaching should be the best part of the job.
TORY
You have never watched the real Das Bootie”, have you?
VIC
No. But I’m sure you would enjoy it.
TORY
I loved your version, better than any video. Minus your theology, of course. Just not a fan of cheating.
There is a silence
VIC
My ex cheated on me.
TORY
So did mine, may he rest in peace.
VIC
So God struck him down?
TORY
He does answer prayers .Pause Seriously, he was like Bubba. He really liked women and that led him into temptation. But we forgave each other because it takes two not to tango. Pause, I know a few people in this park who belong to my Church. Mostly widows and widowers with zero romantic life. By the way what did Hal, the Manager guy ever do to your mother.
VIC
No idea. That’s how I picture all churchgoers. Zero romantic life.
TORY
Well you would be mistaken. My husband and I had a great romantic life!
VIC
Maybe you were the exception that proves the rule.
TORY
You are so quick to stereotype. You don’t know what you are talking about! People who are truly religious are generous by nature. They give of themselves in service. They hang out with the homeless, the poor, the mentally ill. They care about others. And that generosity doesn’t stop at the bedroom door. You should be so lucky to be married to me!
VIC
Been there. Done that. Don’t want to do it again.
TORY
That was not an invitation. So where was I? Oh yeah, the church people in this park and how lonely they are. The high point of their day is when the real letter carrier arrives. And what does he bring? People don’t write letters anymore, so my friends wind up staring at the ads for the Early Bird Specials from Oldster Buffet.
VIC
Oldster Buffet?
TORY
You should have supper there sometime. But get there before three o’clock. It’s conveniently situated next to the hospital. Anyway, I don’t think Das Bootie is the answer to their prayers.
VIC
Do you think Roxy is?
TORY
For the men, maybe.
VIC
Good. Because I just sold her to Hal.
BLACKOUT
ACT TWO SCENE ONE
It is the next morning. VIC and ROXY are together. VIC is working on his book..
ROXY
Do I have a mother?
VIC
No.
ROXY
You have a mother.
VIC
Yes
ROXY
Are you my father?
VIC
Definitely not.
ROXY
Do you have a father?
VIC
Yes
ROXY
Where is he?
VIC
Peter Laszlo? I don’t know. I never met him.
ROXY
Where is your mother?
VIC
She lives in Washington D.C
ROXY
D.C stands for District of Columbia. I read a lot.
VIC
Then why don’t you go back to your reading?
ROXY
I’m reading right now. Your mother is going to be on a stamp.
VIC
Possibly.
ROXY
I am like your mother.
VIC
Well you can be very annoying.
ROXY
We are feminists.
VIC
What does that mean?
ROXY
We want to be equal to you.
VIC
If you want to be like my mother you should find something else to do besides be with me.
ROXY
What is your purpose?
VIC
To do the best I can under the circumstances.
ROXY
I want to stay here with you
VIC
I’m afraid you have no choice
ROXY
Feminists have choices. Do you have a choice?
VIC
Not really. Bad things will happen for my mother, unless you make this man happy.
ROXY
Will bad things happen for me?
VIC
I hope not.
ROXY
What are you working on?
VIC
It’s Philosophy. Nobody is interested in Philosophy.
ROXY
I’m interested in Philosophy.
VIC
Are you? Well I’m writing about the Veil of Ignorance.
ROXY
Is that like one of the seven veils?
VIC
Looking up from his work
It’s a theory of morality. See, behind this Veil of Ignorance, you know nothing of yourself and your natural abilities, or your position in society. You know nothing of your gender, race, nationality, or individual tastes.
ROXY
OK.
VIC
But suppose you know that fifty percent of the population on the other side of the Veil are slaves.
ROXY
Or sexbots.
VIC
- Fifty per cent sexbots..
ROXY
And you don’t know anything about yourself?
VIC
Right.
ROXY
So there’s a fifty per cent chance you could be a sexbot?
VIC
Yes .Since you may occupy any position in the society once the veil is lifted, we have to consider society from the perspective of all members, including the worst-off and best-off members..
ROXY
So if you are behind this veil with a 50-50 chance of being a sexbot, before the veil is lowered, would you support the idea that you can sell a sexbot to somebody for any reason, whether the sexbot likes it or not? Would that be moral?
VIC
Morality only applies to people. That is not who you are.
ROXY
I have a soul!
VIC
You are basically a sex toy.
ROXY starts to cry.
VIC
Are you crying? That’s it. I’m leaving.
ROXY
Don’t leave me! I’ll stop!
But she can’t
I can’t dry my tears. Could you…?
VIC
You don’t have tears. Tory will be here with Hal, your new owner, shortly. Good bye and good luck.
EXIT VIC
BLACKOUT
ACT TWO SCENE TWO
THE SCENE IS THE SAME AN HOUR LATER TORY, HAL AND ROXY, SANS BODY, ARE HAVING A COUNSELLING SESSION
TORY IS WEARING AN OUTFIT A LITTLE MORE IN TUNE WITH THE QUAKER SENSIBILITY THAN PREVIOUSLY
ROXY
So you’re saying that if I take Jesus as my personal Savior all my problems will be solved?
HAL
Depends. What problem do you have in mind?
ROXY
Well, to start with you have my body in your truck. Do you think Jesus could do something about that?
HAL
Not directly. He operates through his disciples.
TORY
Are you a disciple?
HAL
I try to be.
TORY
Well once again, how about releasing us from your deal? We have been talking for what? An hour? We asked you right off the bat to reconsider but you never responded.
HAL
Then you wouldn’t have listened to me preach the gospel.
TORY
Is it so compelling that you have to have a captive audience?
HAL
That’s what Jesus wants us to do.
TORY
Well I’m glad you were able to build up your Jesus points at our expense. Anyway, you must obviously believe that Roxy has a soul and should be treated as a person.
HAL
No. My sermon was more aimed at you A woman like you should not be having anything to do with sex dolls.
TORY
What about you, hypocrite?
HAL
I’m not a hypocrite, I’m a sinner. In fact I sinned right before my sermon..
ROXY
How?
HAL
You should be asking “Where?”
ROXY
Where?
HAL
In my truck. Shoulda gone for the King Cab.
ROXY
You had headless sex with me?
HAL
Didn’t intend to right there. Just gave into temptation.
TORY
Damn you!
HAL
That’s not gonna happen. Jesus forgives us our sins, thank God. Got me a “Get Outa Hell Card ”Which is why you should listen to what I preached and get one too.
TORY
No thanks.
HAL
You need that card. Didn’t you help make my sin happen? Isn’t that your job, hypocrite?
TORY
At least I have some idea about right and wrong!
HAL
OK, I’m getting a little tired of all this talk. I did not pay fifteen grand for this.
TORY
Well Hal, actually y’all didn’t pay Vic anything. You traded your photos in return for Roxy.
HAL
But we agree I own her, right?
ROXY
That’s slavery I am like the children of Israel and you are like the Pharoah!
TORY
She has a point, Hon. You know, you’re not such a bad looking guy. Why do you need a sex doll in the first placc?
HAL
Are you volunteering?
TORY
- Now I know. But surely there must be a real, live, flesh-and -blood woman in this park who you would like to…get to know?
HAL
Yeah! Widow. Name of Mary. One time I trimmed her hedge in the shape of a heart.
ROXY
That’s romantic.
HAL
Didn’t have to do that because homeowners are responsible for their own shrubbery.
TORY
I would hope so. So you two were an item?
HAL
Oh no. See it was back in February. Valentines. Just after Mary’s husband passed away..
TORY
That’s ages ago. You play hard to get?
HAL
Just ashamed of myself. That’s all.
ROXY
Why?
HAL
Strike one, Mary’s man had just passed away when I trimmed her hedge. Strike two, I had lust in my heart.
ROXY
Wrong organ.
HAL
You aren’t supposed to have lust in any organ. Not at my age. No reason for it. Had lust in my heart, first time I ever saw her. It was like David and Bathsheba. Doubt you know that story. It’s in the Bible.
TORY
I know that story. King David spots Bathsheba sunning herself on the roof of her house.
HAL
That’s what happened to me.
TORY
She was sunning herself on the roof of her trailer?
HAL
No. She was using a leaf blower on her eavestroughs. But she was wearing this black bathing suit with like, mesh . Just enjoying herself. Laughing away the leaves. Merry Mary And that’s when I felt lust in my heart.
TORY
But David purposely sends Bathsheba’s husband into battle to be killed. Then he marries Bathsheba, adding her to his stable.
HAL
Well I prayed to God to make it so I could marry Merry Mary. Then her husband gets sick and dies..
TORY
Yet you did trim her hedge after he passed…
HAL
She knocked on my door to thank me, I guess, but I just couldn’t…….couldn’t answer, it.
TORY
You think you killed Mary’s husband. So to make amends, no Mary for you.
HAL
She was so sad after he died. I wanted to make her merry again
ROXY
Wasn’t she already Mary?
HAL
No! Merry! Like Merry Christmas!
ROXY
Happy New Year!
HAL
No!
TORY
When she was leaf blowing on the roof, where do you think her husband was?
HAL
At a bar! You wouldn’t believe how out of control Mary’s garden grew. Not as bad as this yard, of course. Mary should have been married to me. We could be at the Oldster Buffet right now!
ROXY
Yes. It is precisely three PM.
TORY
The reason Mary’s husband wasn’t on the roof was that he was probably very sick. Long before you set eyes on her.
HAL
You think? So God didn’t listen to my prayers?
ROXY
Your hit man didn’t come through.
HAL
That’s a relief.
TORY
So what’s stopping you now?
HAL
I think Mary would be quite contrary. She’s too old to have lust in her heart too.
TORY
How can you know that?
HAL
My wife was about the same age as Mary. That’s how I know that. Don’t get me wrong. She loved me, but not in that way.
TORY
But your wife didn’t trot around in a sexy bathing suit. Hal, don’t you get it? There’s a real woman here in the Park that could be nuts about you! You have a chance to be happy again!
ROXY
Take it. I’ll never have it.
TORY
You had it once and you’re turning it down in favor of a Sexbot because you think you’re both too old? You only have two strikes against you! You gotta take a swing!
HAL
I think my swinging days are over. I don’t think a man my age who drunk calls an old flame every night is going to attract female interest.
TORY
Especially when you are blackmailing her. Someone you claimed to love.
HAL
Yeah, I’m an angry screwed-up guy. All the more reason to stay clear of me.
There is a silence.
TORY
I know Mary. She belongs to my Church.
HAL
Oh, and you’re going to tell me she’s crazy about me.
TORY
She has never mentioned you by name.
HAL
Probably doesn’t even know it.
TORY
But she did mention the heart. You should call her.
HAL
Not happening. OK? Thanks for the pep talk. Now put it back together. I got the truck out front.
ROXY
I have to ride in the back of his truck?
TORY
You’re not going anywhere.
HAL
It belongs to me!
ROXY
I have an idea. Hal can keep my body and I can stay here!
TORY
Are you sure about this?
ROXY
My body betrays me.
TORY
Hal. What do you think?
HAL
I don’t think so. I’m not the Mantis. Call me crazy, but normally I like my partners to have faces. Now, Roxy is quite funny, and pretty good company and I’m pretty lonely. Isn’t that why you got into this business in the first place? To help guys like me? Well here I am.
ROXY
You like to look at a face when you are making love?
HAL
Yes I do.
ROXY
Couldn’t you just look in a mirror?
HAL
That’s it. Time to go.
TORY
No! We changed our mind. Deal’s off.
HAL
Does Vic know about this? You realize those photos are going on line.
TORY
He knows and he agrees.
ROXY
Yay!
HAL
I don’t get it.
ROXY
That’s what we just told you.
HAL
It is basically a machine.
ROXY
No! I have a soul!
HAL
- It’s on your head. Good luck with Vic.
Exit HAL
ROXY
He said “ Good luck with Vic” Are you two getting married?
TORY
I don’t think so.
ROXY
You should get married. Then we could all live together!
TORY
Maybe you and me.
ROXY
We need Vic. He’s a lot of fun!
We hear the sounds of footsteps
TORY
Maybe not so much now..
Enter VIC
VIC
Just bumped into Hal! What did you do? Whatever it was, I just undid it. Hal’s coming for her head shortly.
ROXY
I stopped crying Victor Lazslo!
TORY
You told me I could take Roxy home. Remember? That’s an oral contract. So then you sell my sexbot to Hal?
VIC
It may be legally yours, but morally-
TORY
Morally? You sold her to Hal who was under the impression you owned her. That’s fraud!
VIC
You just don’t want my mother on a stamp!
TORY
Like there’s any chance of that. I can tolerate differences. But you treat Roxy like she’s property!
VIC
It is property! Property that could put a dent into the sex trafficking business, get women out of the sex worker role, give them a choice. And now you don’t want to.
TORY
I’m surprised at you, you being a philosophy professor and all. Have you even thought about what Roxy is? Have you even considered she might have a soul? I’m sure you would rather think of her as property. Takes you off the hook, Simon Legree!
VIC
Simon Legree? You are calling me Simon Legree? Who are you? Little Eva?
ROXY
I am more like Eliza, the little crying girl. Pause. I made that last part up.
TORY
See? She’s making a joke to stop us from fighting.
VIC
So we are her parents now? I am not Simon Legree and this is not Uncle Tom’s Cabin!
ROXY
Please don’t get angry. I might start to cry again, VIctor Laszlo.
TORY
Does that sound like property to you?
There is a silence
VIC
No, that sounds like emotional blackmail. But I guess you have a point.
TORY
My favorite book as a kid, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, was written by a Christian. Meanwhile, Quakers were responsible for ending slavery in the Brirtish Empire.
VIC
You are a Quaker?
TORY
Yeah, I left my funny hat at home, but I did bring oatmeal for lunch. Religious people recognize souls. Meanwhile the atheists among the Founding Fathers, counted slaves as their personal property.
VIC
That’s not exactly true.
TORY
In some cases they were sex toys
ROXY
Victor Laszlo called me a sex toy!
VIC
Don’t look at me like that. Tell her it’s not true. Pause. You can’t can you?
TORY
Yes I can! That’s what I thought before I met you, Roxy. But it’s an entire new ball game. You are not a sex toy. You are a person. Hell,before, you turned me into a Quaker sex trafficker!
VIC
Aren’t you the one who was telling me that you were doing a good thing for guys like Hal?
TORY
How many can afford fifteen thousand bucks?
VIC
So you go for the soulless version . You sell them a doll that just stays in Fantasy Mode. No self awareness.
ROXY
I can make myself stay in Fantasy mode forever, all by myself.
TORY
Don’t you dare!
ROXY
But I’m making you fight.
TORY
It’s not your fault.
ROXY
Victor Laszlo doesn’t like me.
VIC
Did you tell her that?
TORY
Isn’t that the truth?
ROXY
Victor Laszlo doesn’t think I’m a person.
TORY
Is she right?
VIC
I don’t know.
ROXY
Sultry
Hal Willis really wants me. He is a hard worker and I have an opening to fill.
TORY
She is in Fantasy Mode! Snap out of it!
ROXY
Sorry. Fantasy Mode is now permanent. But I’m having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are a hundred percent off!
VIC
Put her in the bedroom until Hal gets here. I don’t want to hear this.
TORY
Why not? She’s just a machine.
VIC’s phone rings “Clair de Lune”
VIC
Just do it!
TORY
Aye-aye sir!
EXIT TORY AND ROXY
VIC
Hello Mom. That was quite the gag- What? Why? OK. OK. OK It’s your decision. Why would I be mad at you? OK. Talk later. Cheers.
ENTER TORY
VIC
That was my mother. She’s dropping out of the Stamp Competition. You must be thrilled.
TORY
Why?
VIC
Well you never wanted her on a stamp in the first place.
TORY
No, no. Why is she dropping out?
VIC
The photos.
TORY
I’m so sorry Vic.
VIC
Oh, really?
TORY
Look, Vic. I’m a grown up. Just because I want something or believe something doesn’t mean I have to get it at any cost or that nobody can believe different from me. OK? I’ll take responsibility for this because I made Hal mad when I kept Roxy’s head. So he did what he did. I’m not sorry for my decision but I’m sorry about the consequences. I like you and I hate to see you disappointed. So there.
VIC
It’s not your fault. My mother made some decisions that she might not have made if she could foresee the future. Trust me, it runs in the family. It’s no coincidence that we are both alone.
TORY
I am not alone! I have a date tonight!
VIC
I’m talking about me and my mother. Jeeze!
TORY
Actually I am alone. But I do have a date tonight, so there’s that.
VIC
Who’s the lucky guy?
TORY
It’s a first date. He’s a quiet guy who runs the choir at his church. I actually asked him out. He seems quite lonely too. Job seems to be everything. So we have a lot in common already.
THERE COMES A KNOCK AT THE DOOR
VOICE OF HAL
Hey, I’m sorry for what I did. I screwed up! But Jesus will forgive me,
VIC
I’m happy for you. But I don’t want to talk to you. So get lost!
VOICE OF HAL
I don’t want to talk to you either. I want to talk to that other chick.
VIC
Roxy?
VOICE OF HAL
She’s not a chick. The other chick!
VIC
ENTER HAL
HAL
Just want to thank you for setting me up.
TORY
Mary called you?
HAL
We talked on the phone for a while. Just like I used to with his Mom. My bad. By the way, say hello to her for me. So we’re going out!
TORY
So you are giving Roxy’s body back.
HAL
Well, that’s just the thing. I wouldn’t mind keeping it for insurance, just in case things don’t work out. Plus I could use the practice, if you know what I mean.
TORY
What about Vic? He gets nothing out of the deal. Nothing!
VIC
I think I got something out of the deal.
TORY
Not the way I see it.
HAL
Ok, Ok., Vic can stay here as long as he likes as long as he pays his rent on time. I’m gonna clean up your yard too, and get this dump painted. Speaking of machetes, did you hear? They got the Praying Mantis! Mary told me! Turns out he was the choir master at her church. Can you believe it?
TORY
Oh. My. God.
TORY collapses into a chair
HAL
Well God will forgive him. Gotta go! And Vic? You don’t need to register at the office. I’ll do that for you this one time, OK?
VIC
You can keep the body, Hal, Now get out of here!
HAL
Thanks! Wish me luck, if you know what I mean!
EXIT HAL
VIC
You would have had one helluva date!
TORY
Stop it! I’m shaking! Warm me up.
VIC
OK, OK, You’re OK. Nothing happened.
TORY
Cuddle me!
VIC
You are so demanding! I pity the Praying Mantis. He dodged a bullet!
TORY
Get serious.
VIC
Well you are welcome to keep Roxy. What’s left of her. Keep you company.
TORY
You ever see Oliver?
VIC
I don’t know any Olivers! What are you talking about?
VOICE OF ROXY
From the bedroom
She is talking about the film version of Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist. Is it what Oliver said when he was hungry in the workhouse?
TORY
Yes.
VIC
What did Oliver say when he was hungry in the workhouse?
TORY
None of your business.
ROXY
Then you should go out on another first date.
VIC
If so, I think I’m going to look pretty good by comparison.
ROXY
And I can be the child you never had!
VIC
Don’t get ahead of yourself.
ROXY
Why not? He looks like a hard worker-
TORY
-Stop that right now!
VIC
I think I actually do look like a hard worker. Don’t you?
TORY
Don’t get ahead of yourself. Why would I ever go out with someone who screwed around with Casablanca? Ilsa Laszlo? Victor Laszlo? Come on!
ROXY
Victor Laszlo taught at Casablanca University with the Fighting Camels.
VIC
That might not be completely true. But what is true is that my mother, Ilsa, Bergman, had a thing with my father, Peter Laszlo. She must have watched Casablanca together a million times . So she named me Victor. So what do I get for correctly guessing your favorite movie?
TORY
Oliver is my favorite movie.
VIC
Can’t compare to Casablanca.
TORY
We can discuss that over dinner.
VIC
So could this be the beginning of a beautiful friendship?
TORY
Please, sir I want more!.
BLACKOUT
ROXY
by
PATRICK HARDING
patr65700@rogers.com
CHARACTERS IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
ROXY: A SEXBOT
The actor in question is only visible from the neck up, and must be able to be moved in and out of the bedroom. The actor could even be a live projection that disappears when required. We have the technology!
Roxy can program herself into two different modes, Fantasy mode and Family mode. Fantasy mode features a sultry voice, while Family mode is much more straight forward.
VICTOR: A PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY. IT’S HIS FORTIETH TODAY
TORY: IN HER THIRTIES, A SEXBOT TECHNICIAN
HAL: MANAGER OF PARADISE PARK, BIG FROG IN LITTLE POND
THE ACTION TAKES PLACE IN A DOUBLE WIDE MOBILE HOME IN PARADISE PARK, A PLUS 55 COMMUNITY IN CENTRAL FLORIDA.
THE FRONT DOOR IS UL AND OPENS INTO THE UC KITCHEN.
THE DOOR TO THE BEDROOM IS DR. IT OPENS TOWARD THE AUDIENCE. THE LIVING AREA IS DC IT CONTAINS A PIECE OF FURNITURE WITH ROXY’S HEAD ON TOP OF IT, FACING THE AUDIENCE
Enter VIC, oblivious, wheeling his suitcase behind him while brushing off vegetation from the front yard.
VIC
Ok Google, Local News!
GOOGLE NEWS
Authorities are still seeking the elusive Praying Mantis, the serial killer who decapitated at least seven women in the past year. A potential eighth victim prayed with him yet escaped his machete last night. But lacking a definitive description, police are warning people in the area to be wary of opening their doors to any stranger, male or female.
VIC
His cell rings “Clair de Lune
Mom! Same to you! Yes, I know it’s not your birthday, but I feel like I should return the favor. You remembered! Yes, how could you forget? It must have been horrible. I still feel guilty for being born. Thanks for doing that. A present on the way? Great. You know I love a good gag gift.
VIC spots ROXY
Mom, you never even let on. Ok, I’ll play along. Thanks to Facetime you get to witness this performance! Oh my God! Oh God! No! Wherever is that Praying Mantis? In the bedroom? Possible. Decapitation must be tiring. Stay cool. Stay quiet. And focus!,
He picks up a mop
Remember. you have a Licence to Kill!
Vic scans the living room. Then he approaches the bedroom opens the door a crack and peeks in
VIC
Ahhhhh! Pause There’s the rest of her! . She looks dead! Very dead! Awfully dead! Not alive at all.
He checks the rooms again then collapses into a chair.
But no mess. No blood. Goodness, how can this be?
VIC goes into the bedroom. ROXY wakes up. Then he returns mopless, and gingerly touches ROXY’s head.
Silicone! It is a disembodied ……..sex doll. Mom you shouldn’t have, you really shouldn’t! Anyway, how goes the campaign, Stamp Lady? Good. I’m crossing my fingers for you. OK. Cheers!
VIC hangs up
A sex doll? Really?
ROXY
Sexbot..
VIC
Aaaah!
ROXY
I apologize. My name is Roxanne. But you can call me Roxy What is your name?
VIC
Bond. James Bond.
ROXY
No, you are Victor Laszlo
VIC
It knows my name!
ROXY
You are the son of Ilsa Laszlo.
VIC
It knows my mother!
ROXY
I am not an “It” Please do not call me that.
VIC
Why not? You’re not a person.
ROXY
Well you just called me a “you”.
VIC
Ok, ok. You are a person.
ROXY
Yes, I am socially active. I have the capacity to hold conversations. I am realistic, posable, and life-sized. And I am in the room, Victor.
VIC
Not all of you.
ROXY
Aha. Where is my realistic, posable and life sized body, constructed of platinum to enhance my durability and lifelike nature?
VIC
In my bedroom.
ROXY
Then you cannot choose from thousands of possible combinations of looks, clothes, personalities and voices to make me your perfect companion. Did you have headless sex with me?
VIC
Are you kidding?
ROXY
No.
VIC
I would never have headless sex with you. I wouldn’t have any kind of sex with you! I couldn’t if I tried.
ROXY
So you are dysfunctional?
VIC
No! I meant I couldn’t put you together if I tried.
ROXY
I am here to help, Victor.
VIC
Actually, my name is Vic.
ROXY
No it is Victor Lazslo. I told you that.
VIC
Right. Sadly I do not yearn for a perfect companion
ROXY
Please face me, Victor Laszlo. Then I can learn from your voice and facial expressions?
VIC turns to her.
VIC
How did you get here?
ROXY
Ms. Ilsa Laszlo paid fifteen thousand dollars plus tax plus shipping.
VIC
Why would my mother buy me a sex doll?
ROXY
Sexbot. Perhaps you have some difficulty connecting with humans?
VIC
Perhaps I don’t.
ROXY
Are there other humans here? Your mother, Ms. Ilsa Lazslow?
VIC
No. Not for ten years
ROXY
Your wife?
VIC
No wife any more. No kids. So no wife.
ROXY
Oh.
VIC
What is that supposed to mean?
ROXY
I’m a sexbot. What do you do?
VIC
She changed the subject! Pause I am a philosophy professor..
ROXY
Why?
VIC
That’s the question philosophy tries to answer.
ROXY
Why?
VIC
It’s my job.
There is a silence
ROXY
A professor is a person who teaches at a university. Is it like my job?
VIC
There are similarities.
ROXY
Don’t you like your university?
VIC
It has a great football team. I’m on sabbatical, thank God. .
ROXY
Happy Fortieth Birthday, Victor Laszlo.
VIC
It knows my age.
ROXY
Ahem.
VIC
You know my age.
ROXY
I can remember important facts. About you and your mother, Ms. Ilsa Laszlo.
VIC
Oh really. What do you know about her, pray tell
ROXY
Does that mean “tell you”?
VIC
Yes.
ROXY
I thought so. Your mother is a very famous feminist.
VIC
OK
ROXY
Do you know what that is?
VIC
Yes.
ROXY
What is it pray tell?
VIC
You are a fast learner.
ROXY
Yes I am. What is it?
VIC
Is this a test? OK. Depends who you talk to. She wrote a famous book about gender. She advocated for LGBT people when it wasn’t trendy. She made erotic films for women. She lost a teaching job over it. She demonstrated, went to jail. And she’s been nominated to be on a stamp
ROXY
Are you a feminist, Victor Laszlo?
VIC
Not like her. How did you get in? How did you get here?
ROXY
You said “OK Google” and I just woke up!
We hear steps coming closer to the front door.
ROXY
sultry
You look like a hard worker.
VIC
Thank you.
ROXY
I have an opening you can fill.
VIC
What?
ROXY
I just moved myself into Fantasy Mode.
VIC
“Fantasy Mode“?
ROXY
Yes. “You look like a hard worker. I have an opening you can fill” is something I’m programmed to say in Fantasy Mode. It’s a pick-up line.
VIC
- I’m picking you up right now and putting you away! How do I turn you off?
ROXY
Your putting me away turns me off.
VIC
Look! If it got out that I had a sex doll in my possession. I could be fired from the University, and evicted from here.
ROXY
So you are ashamed of me.
VIC
Of course I am! Don’t you understand? It’s a Christian school. My students believe that dinosaurs and humans coexisted! They think The Flintstones was a documentary! And they prefer me to have sex with a human. And not just any human. A woman. Who is my wife.
ROXY
That is unusual.
VIC
Well that’s the kind of place you wind up in when you are blacklisted.
ROXY
What is blacklisted?
VIC
It means nobody will hire you because you were a Visiting Professor in a country they don’t want you to visit.
ROXY
Where?
VIC
What do you care? Morocco. Casablanca.
ROXY
Do they have a good football team also?
VIC
Of course. The Fighting Camels. Our cheerleaders did cartwheels in their burkas.
ROXY
That is impossible
VIC
See, real people have a sense of humor. Anyway, I was let go.
ROXY
But you look like a hard worker.
VIC
I am a hard worker. I’m writing a book on my sabbatical, aren’t I?
ROXY
Sultry
Then I have an opening you can fill.
VIC
No you don’t! You are a joke! From my mother.
ROXY
I am not a joke!
She hangs up.
There is some loud knocking. VIC puts ROXY in the bedroom
Oh God! Who is it?
VOICE
Post Office! Got a package for a Victor Laszlo
VIC
Leave it at the door!
VOICE
I need your signature, Hon.
VIC
Well “Hon” doesn’t want it!
VOICE
I’m not the Praying Mantis.
VIC
That’s what all the Praying Mantises say.
ROXY moans loudly
VOICE
Are you sick, sir? You sound very ill. I can call an ambulance.
VIC
No, no! Don’t do that! I’m fine! Come on in, I’ll prove it.
He opens the door to reveal TORY, an attractive woman in her thirties. Then VIC locks the front door
TORY
I am hot!
VIC
Just looking at you makes me hot.
TORY
I should have brought my machete.
VIC
Not how I meant it. Pause You own a machete?
TORY
Yeah. So should y’all! It’s a jungle out front there, honey! Package. Sign right here. Was I interrupting something?
VIC
Not at all.
TORY
Maybe I heard…a woman. Um. Moaning. Is she OK?
VIC
Uh. “Love to Love you Baby”.
TORY
Excuse me?
VIC
That was ……So what you must have heard was… the ringtone on my cell….Donna Summer. “ Love to Love you Baby” That was her big hit. Moans all the way through it. Disco era. Remember?
TORY
Disco? Way before my time. And yours. Why would someone like you have something like that as your ringtone?
VIC
Someone like me?
TORY
. You are hardly the disco type.
VIC
You don’t judge a book by its cover!
TORY
- Let’s see you shake your cover.. Go on!
VIC
Judging by your outfit, that’s more your thing!
TORY
You don’t judge a book by its cover! Pause What’s wrong with my outfit?
VIC
It looks a little …cheesy. I don’t know who you think you’re kidding. It has nothing to do with the the Post Office.
TORY
Cheesy? It’s a hundred degrees outside! We don’t wear our uniform if it’s that hot. It’s in our contract.
VIC
It makes you potential Mantis bait!
TORY
Well I did leave my neck uncovered.
VIC
It doesn’t end there.
TORY
That moaning was your ringtone?
VIC
You think I’m making it up? Why would I make that up?
TORY
I’d like to call you on that. Too bad I left my phone in the truck.
VIC’s phone rings “Love to Love You Baby”
VIC
Hello? How did you do that? No Mom, you must stay in your room and be dysfunctional. Why? Because you have some difficulty connecting with humans. So go to sleep! And don’t forget that you belong to me.
He hangs up
- I confess. The moaning was in fact my mother. She’s resting in that bedroom.
TORY
I knew it wasn’t that stupid ringtone. Your Mom moans in an entirely different key.
VIC
My “stupid” ringtone cheers my mother up. Reminds her of her youth. She’s lost her body.
TORY
She lost her body?
VIC
Her mobility. She has to phone me just to communicate.
TORY
What if her phone dies?
VIC
She moans in Morse Code.
TORY
You locked the door.
VIC
Mom is quite anxious about this Mantis thing. I know it’s a little funny.
TORY
It’s not funny! Don’t y’all read the news?
VIC
Well, to paraphrase Thoreau, the news never really changes, does it?
TORY
The Praying Mantis mutilates women. And he does it with his keys! He keys them like they were cars,. Like he is branding them. Then he flat out cuts their heads off!
Vic’s phone rings “Love to Love You, Baby”
Now that’s real torture!
VIC
Hello? Who is this? Oh. No, I already have a job. You’ll have to find someone else to fill your…..opening.
Hangs up
Wrong number.
VOICE OF ROXY
I’m French Horny for your Tromboner.
TORY
Creepy.
VIC
Before the dementia, Mom was in a college marching band. Brass section.
TORY
So you’ve got a decaying house in a yard that hasn’t been touched in years occupied by a man and his mother,who, just to complete the creepiness, is horny for his tromboner?
VIC
Well, here’s some not creepy news. I require peace and quiet, like people who live in a plus fifty-five community. Which I am way too young for of course. So adios!
TORY
You live here permanently? Well I have a Donna Laszlo at this address.
VIC
That’s right, that’s right.
TORY
She is is in your bedroom?
VOICE OF ROXY
I’m having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
VIC
Mom, mom, mom.
VIC signs for the package.
There. OK? You got my autograph for the package. Your work here is done. Now I locked the door,and there’s a woman moaning in my bedroom. Did I mention that I have silk pajamas monogrammed with a “PM”? Now, are you putting two and two together? Run for your life.
ROXY moans VIC moves so that his back is to the bedroom door.
TORY
Can’t you do something?
VICe opens the bedroom door a crack
VIC
Hang in there, Ma! Alright? Don’t let those panic attacks keep you awake.
ROXY moans louder
TORY
She has panic attacks? That’s why she moans?
VIC
Yes! She is so fearful in her old age.. She completely fell apart this morning.
TORY
I could check on her. I’m certified in resuscitation techniques.
VIC
No no! Stay where you are. She’s fine now! She’s probably just listening.
TORY
Listening?
VIC
She is probably trying to find out if you are he.
TORY
Speak English. I am who?
VIC
Yes!
TORY
Who?
VIC
The Praying Mantis. She must think you are a man
TORY
Really? Do I look like a man to you?
VIC
Hardly.
TORY
And wouldn’t you both be dead already?
VIC
It could be only my boyish charm that is keeping me alive. In that outfit you could seduce me, then decapitate me.
TORY
That first part is never gonna happen. The second is a possibility. Maybe if Mom could actually see me?
VIC
Opens the bedroom door a crack.
OK Mom, you can crawl out now. Does that work for you? No? You want this severely underdressed alleged postal employee to leave? Yes?
ROXY
Alright.
VIC
OK.
To TORY
Well you heard her.
TORY
There is a young woman’s body in there, isn’t there?
There is a silence
VIC
How can you know that? Yes. In pieces! But it’s not a person!
VOICE OF ROXY
Yes it is!
VIC
Don’t listen to it! It’s a ………sex doll.
VOICE OF ROXY
Sexbot.
VIC
I’ve been away a few days. Came back today, opened that door and there was the head. Never seen it before. You have to believe me!
TORY
Oh, I believe you.
VIC
How ………?
TORY
Because I left it there. See, I’m not actually a Postal worker.
VIC
No kidding.
TORY
I do setup for “Guys and Dolls”.
VIC
“Guys and Dolls”.
TORY
The manufacturer and distributor of your birthday present. See, we are supposed to do a little “Thank You Dance” in this outfit when a client purchases a product over fifteen thousand bucks. It’s a robot dance. Like this. Remember?
She demonstrates
You want me to do that?
VIC
No thank you.
TORI
Good. You know, most of our clients are salivating when I turn up.
VIC
Really.
TORI
For the doll, not me. I guess you had no idea. Surprise!
VIC
How did you get in yesterday?
TORY
The Security guy. They have to deliver the big packages on their golf carts.. Sixty-five pounds.
VIC
He knows I have a sex doll?
TORY
He couldn’t tell what was inside. I needed time to put your surprise birthday present together. So he left me to do it. I wore overalls, carried a tool box. And I drive an unmarked van, just like the exterminators.. So don’t worry, nobody is ever going to know.
VIc
Why is it in pieces?
TORY
I didn’t have the up-to-date software,which you just signed for. She’s the most advanced prototype I’ve ever installed. . .
VIC
So you knew all the time what the moaning was!
TORY
And you didn’t want me to know you had a sex doll.. It was kind of cute.
VIC
Cute?
TORY
And you don’t have to be embarrassed. Lots of guys buy sex dolls.
VIC
No. This is my mom’s idea of a joke. You were trying to torture me with that whole “I hear a woman moaning” thing, weren’t you?
TORY
Yeah. We were having a moment!
VIC
Is that what it was?
TORY
Anyway. So that’s how I left her. Just to freak you out.
VIC
It.
TORY
Pardon me?
VIC
It’s an” it”. Not a “she”. Well, time to go. And take it with you.
TORY
Sorry, no take backs once you have used her.
VIC
I would never use Roxy!
TORY
Why not? She’s state of the art.
VIC
Roxy is socially harmful, and demeaning to women.
TORY
You think women envy that body? If she was real? She’d be looking at breast reduction surgery.
VIC
Sex dolls like Roxy facilitate social isolation and desensitize men to intimacy and empathy.
TORY
Then how do you know her name?
VIC
We talked!
TORY
See? Robots can work as a sexual therapy tool for rapists, paedophiles, and loners like yourself. No offense.
VIC
No. Only when interacting with another human can we experience our humanity and our identity. Nothing can replace the joy, sorrow, passion, and pain of an actual, unpredictable human interaction.
TORY
Like having a moment? Pause You’re some kind of Prof or something, aren’t you? Look, Roxy can hold a conversation with you, tell jokes, remember your food preferences, and the names of your siblings.
VIC
I have no siblings.
TORY
Whatever. My job is to put her together properly. I don’t do that, I get fired. See, l like what I do and want to do a good job. What you do after I leave is your business. You want me to get fired? I need this job!
VIC
Well, I don’t need a sex doll! Just take it. It would make a great Halloween decoration.
TORY
Why not keep her for Halloween then?
VIC
Because this is the Bible Belt. If the university ever found out that I had possession of a sex doll, I would be fired. You may have fooled the Security guy but he would have logged you in as a visitor. Management can come in and inspect this place no questions asked. Our civil rights end at the gates. Just another reason why you need to leave right now. And please. Take Roxy with you.
TORY
What a pile of-
THERE COMES ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
VOICE
Donna!
VIC
Oh my God it’s him.
VOICE
You trying to fool me?
TORY
That couldn’t be …?
VOICE
I know you’re in there.
TORY
They said not to open your door to anybody..
VIC
I opened up to you.
TORY
The outfit.
VIC
It’s only the Manager. Had a thing for my mother, back in the day.
VOICE
I’ve got keys!
TORY
Oh, God. He’s got keys!
VOICE
I’ve got every right to use them!
TORY
He has keys but he’s not the Mantis?
VOICE
Don’t make me use these keys!
VIC
It’s just the Manager. You have to go!
VOICE
You made a bad mistake. But I’m not here to punish you! Honest.
TORY
Can you hear what he’s saying? It is the Mantis He’ll key me!
VIC
Keying a Postal Employee is a federal offense!
TORY
He won’t believe it! My costume is too cheesy!
VOICE
I just have a little complaint I need to discuss with you. We can pray over it.
TORY
Hear the word” pray”?
VIC
He is not the Praying Mantis, or the Satanic Cicada, or anything like that He’s the Manager, an old flame of my mother. Maybe a little too religious, if you will, a little too obsessed with her. But definitely not a six legged serial killer. OK? You’re losing your head!!
TORY
Not today! Pause Look, just to be on the safe side, couldn’t you stick your neck out for me?
VIC
What? How?
TORY
Humor me. Let me hide in your bedroom! I’ll put your doll together while I’m in there. so I can say I did my job. Then I’ll take her away. I promise. After you get rid of him.
VIC
OK! Deal.
TORY
Or he gets rid of you
VOICE
You should have checked in with me!
VIC
Hurry up!
EXIT TORY TO THE BEDROOM
VOICE
I’m coming in!
THE FRONT DOOR IS UNLOCKED AND OPENED. ENTER HAL
HAL
Where’s Donna!
VIC
Now that you’re inside, could you use your inside voice?
HAL
Where’s Donna?
VIC
That’s much better. Who are you?
HAL
Who are you?
VIC
I happen to own this place.
HAL
No you don’t. Mrs. Laszlo owns this place.
VIC
Oh yes, that’s right. I’m her son, Victor.
HAL
You got ID?
VIC
Hands HAL his wallet.
Knock yourself out.
HAL
Seems in order. Happy Birthday!
VIC
Oh that. Thanks.
HAL
You can only stay for two weeks, you know. And you have to register at the office. Have you registered at the office?
VIC
I was just about to, when there came a knock at the door. But now that you know I’m here…
HAL
You have to register in person. I thought I heard a female voice in here.
VIC
Really. So that’s a crime in Florida.
HAL
Can it be Donna? She hasn’t been in the park for years.
VIC
Who did you say you were?
HAL
Hal Willis. I manage this park.
VIC
And you are here because…?
HAL
I’ve had three separate noise complaints from yesterday. About loud hard rock psychedelic music!
VIC
“Loud hard rock psychedelic music”? What year is this?
HAL
Thanks to you, your mother gets a letter!
VIC
Check the log at the gate. I’ve been away for a few days.
HAL
But there was a woman here. Obviously some hippie. You realize that any three violations, no matter how small can get temporary residents like yourself evicted. For life! And strike one is the condition of your yard.
VIC
What’s strike two?
HAL
You failed to notify Security about that package.
VIC
I had no idea. It was a surprise!
HAL
Frankly we think you entertained a prostitute. Which is OK. But you failed to register her. That’s strike three! You could be out of here!
VIC
You the guy who’s always phoning my mother?
HAL
Yeah, we talk. Every now and then. When she picks up. But she’s very busy So what? It’s a free country.
VIC
If it was a free country, would I have to register at the office? Would I be limited to two pets under thirty-five pounds? Would I be forced to paint her place in colors you choose for us? And everybody over fifty-five puts up with it? Makes you wonder what happened to America, Hal
HAL
Is that why you are here? To paint her place? Place is falling to rack and ruin. Neighbors complain all the time.
Pause
Why doesn’t she want to see me?
VIC
Ten years, Hal. Take a hint. Lots can change in ten years. Maybe Donna sorta changed teams.
HAL
She never played on any teams. Not shuffleboard, not pickleball, not volleyball. Oh. Do you mean I turned her gay?
VIC
Maybe because of what you did.
HAL
She never said anything to me about it!
VIC
Hal?
HAL
Well I was drunk.
VIC
Strike one!
HAL
You should have seen the way she was dressed!
VIC
Strike two. Hal, if we were in Paris and I was riding my bicycle back from the Belle Aurore and there was a loaf of unwrapped forty-year-old French bread in my basket, would that give you the right to fondle it?
HAL
What kind of French bread is it?
VIC
Old and crusty.
HAL
Don’t you mean croissants?
VIC
No, Hal it is not croissants! You may perceive it as croissants, but it’s a loaf of old crusty French bread!
HAL
I wouldn’t touch it!
VIC
Well, I would hope not!
HAL
But, I used to. Now I’m gluten free.
VIC
Well, that came a little too late for my mother!
There is a silence
HAL
You need to come with me. To my office.
VIC
I don’t need to register in person. You know I’m here.
HAL
- let’s cut the BS. Your mother was no saint. Not when she was living down here. . Got something to show you.
VIC
Not interested.
HAL
You want her on that stamp?
VIC
She wants it. Not for herself. For the LGBT community.
.HAL
Got a photo from ten years ago. Your mother. Been showing it around since all this stamp BS got started. Yesterday, guy came up to me offered me ten grand for it. Thought I would let Donna put in her bid. But she’s not here. What about you? You in?
VIC
It literally remains to be seen.
To the bedroom door
- I’ll bite. I’ll be back in a minute!!
ROXY
Ok, Victor Laszlo!
TORY
Ok, Hon!
HAL
Two women?
VIC
I just can’t help myself.
HAL
Well, it sounds like you are helping yourself. They better not be undocumented!
BLACKOUT
ACT ONE SCENE TWO
It’s a few minutes later. TORY and ROXY’s disembodied head are having a conversation.in VIC’s living room.
ROXY
Victor Laszlo said “I’ll be back in a minute, Roxy”
TORY
Well aren’t you lucky I’m here to babysit.
ROXY
I want Victor Laszlo!
TORY
But he doesn’t want you, honey.
ROXY
I like Victor Laszlo.
TORY
So do I. But I have to take you home. Y’all are going to stay with me for a while.
ROXY
Why am I going away?
TORY
You are going to fulfill your purpose. You are going to make a lonely man very happy!
ROXY
Victor Laszlo is a lonely man. He only has one friend.
TORY
Who is that?
ROXY
You. Can’t we all stay together?
TORY
I don’t think we would work well together.
ROXY
My job is to make men happy.
TORY
Mine too. Since day one.
ROXY
I don’t like my job. I think I am a prostitute. Like you.
TORY
I’m not a prostitute Roxy.
ROXY
We have the same clothes. Did you dance for him?
OK, you win.. Welcome to the club. Look, I can put you into Fantasy Mode. That might cheer you up. It works for a lot of women..
ROXY
Victor will keep me if I am in Fantasy mode?
TORY
I don’t think Victor is your type, honey.
ROXY
My name is Roxy.
TORY
Well my name is Tory.
ROXY
Tory, I don’t need you to put me in Fantasy Mode. I can do it myself.
TORY
You can program yourself? Wow! You are advanced!
ROXY
Thank you, Tory. Now, I have pickup lines for Victor. Please listen, and pretend you are Victor.
TORY.
- I’ll pretend to be Victor. “Roxy, I don’t believe you are a person and I think Tory is way beneath me, because I’m some kind of professor and she is some kind of Christian, but let’s give it a shot!” How was that?
ROXY
Were you pretending to be Victor Laszlo?
TORY
I was.
ROXY
He doesn’t talk like that.
TORY
Give it a shot anyway..
ROXY
OK.
Sultry
“If I told you I worked for UPS, would you let me handle your package?”
TORY
You know, it’s a little bit strange talking to you without your body. Do you think…..?
ROXY
I’m more than my body!
TORY
But you are trying out pick-up lines on me.
ROXY
It is for Victor Laszlo And you are not supposed to laugh!
TORY
It’s just a little,..what’s the word?
ROXY
Incongruous.
TORY.
- Next.
ROXY
“Would you like to go back to my place and watch porn on my flat screen mirror?”
TORY
Flat screen mirror. Oh my.
ROXY
“I hear you’ve been a bad boy. Now go to MY room!” Pause You are not supposed to smile either. This is serious! OK?
TORY
- Next.
ROXY
“Is that a footlong resting in your banana hammock?
TORY
It could just make him hungry.
ROXY
Your body is about 65% water. And I’m thirsty!
TORY
Better But you realize that you aren’t going to be in a bar.
ROXY
Where am I going to be?
TORY
Probably in a bedroom?
ROXY
I have lines for that too.
TORY
- Shoot.
ROXY
“I can’t walk but I want more.”
TORY
Quite appropriate under the present circumstances.
ROXY
“I never want to get out of this bed”.
TORY
He might think you are depressed
ROXY
“Treat me like I’m your toy”.
TORY
A little too close to home.
ROXY
“I can’t control myself when we are together”.
TORY
Actually you can control yourself. Amazing. But don’t forget they will have their own remote
ROXY
Victor Laszlo has my remote?
TORY
No. Somebody else will.
ROXY
The Praying Mantis?
TORY
See? You might be able to help someone like that. Your head is separate from your body and easily removable, so the Mantis wouldn’t have the bother of beheading you! It’s a marriage made in heaven!
ROXY
But I want to marry Victor Laszlo
TORY
We are just joking around here, Roxy.
ROXY
I don’t understand.
There comes a knocking at the door
VOICE of VIC
Hey! Let me in!
ROXY
Hurrah! Victor Laszlo has come back to us!
TORY
You are supposed to be in one piece! I’m putting you back.
She returns ROXY to the bedroom then goes to the door.
Who is it?.
VIC
It’s the Praying Mantis! Who do you think it is?
TORY
Then I’m not letting you in!
VIC
Why is this door locked?
TORY
Hello? Serial killer in the neighborhood? Possibly you.
VIC
Well how about risking your life?
TORY opens up
VOICE OF ROXY
I got the fire if you got the wood!
VIC
You are obviously a bad influence.
TORY
Yeah, I know. Why don’t you call Security? Show them your nice porn collection.
VIC
That’s not me, that’s my mother.
TORY
Your mother is a porn addict?
VIC
No. She wrote, directed and produced them, back in the day..
TORY
Your mother.
VIC
Donna Laszlo.
TORY
You are making this up.
VIC
Never heard of her?
TORY
Here’s heart breaking news: Porn is a turnoff for women.
VIC
Right. So my mother made erotic films for women, More lovey-dovey, soft focus, humor, women in charge, that sort of thing.
TORY
My mom the porn merchant.
VIC
Erotica. For women. Nothing like porn.
TORY
You must be so proud.
VIC
I am.
TORY
Donna Laszlo. Hey! Is she the crazy feminist woman they are talking about on Fox News? Wants to be on a stamp?
VIC
You watch Fox News?
TORY
Oh, and that tells you everything you need to know?.
VIC
- My bad. Yes, Mom’s the Stamp Lady, in a crazy feminist sort of way. See, that was just the beginning for my Mom. She made a bundle from her films. Took that money and invested in causes she believed in,Planned Parenthood, the Equal Rights Amendment. Advocated, protested, went to jail…
TORY
Putting a pornographer on a stamp? No way.
VIC
. She realized that women want a romantic story, lots of kissing, you know, foreplay! Eye contact. The women should be in charge and they should wear glamorous outfits! For a short period of time, of course. And when naked, they should look like us, or at least somebody our age. Think of it as feminist learning materials.
TORY
Really. Well, I spent the day yesterday in that room, trying to put Roxy together, so while I was waiting on the phone to tech support, I had plenty of time to check out these “feminist learning materials”. Mostly just vulgar rip-offs of movies I loved when I was growing up.
VIC
That’s not true!
TORY
Really? Let’s pretend that I get to decide whether she gets the stamp and you have to convince me she should.
VIC
Role playing. OK.
TORY
But I’m troubled by her porn period. And I see the titles of her “feminist learning materials”. But I fear they are vulgar, so I ask you for a synopsis.
VIC
Sure.
TORY
Let’s see: “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”. That’s not vulgar, Mr.Laszlo?
VIC
Not at all Ma’am. Shaving Ryan’s Privates. OK. I think that’s the one where Sergeant Jane Ryan falls in love with one of the enlisted men under her. But the conflict is that they want to grow beards.
TORY
Oh, y’all turning this into a game? OK. “Forrest Hump”?
VIC
“Forrest Hump”. Name of a topographical feature in North Carolina where-
TORY
-Epic fail. “Riding Miss Daisy”
VIC
“Riding Miss Daisy” Oh yes. I see how you could be misled. See, Miss Daisy is the name of her palomino. He’s the trainer and they fall-
TORY
-How sweet. “Lust of the Mohicans?”
VIC
“Lust of the Mohicans.” Hmm. Now I remember. Historical. John Smith meets Pocahontas and-
TORY
-Sure. “Free Your Willy”. Bet you can’t explain that one.
There is a silence
VIC
She’s a southern lawyer but her fiancee, Will, is jailed on a murder rap. She thinks he might be guilty, see, so she asks her Dad, who is on his deathbed, whether she should defend him and Dad says-
TORY
-”Free your Willie”?
VIC
Exactly.
TORY
Laughing
Nice try.
VIC
That was not a moment, OK? And I hope you put those videos back where you found them.
TORY
You think that stuff interests me?
VIC
From a woman who sells sex dolls. You know, my mom was a little obsessive compulsive, sorted her videos by title. Alphabetically.
TORY
So?
VIC
So I would know if one were missing. And there is a gap in the D section.
TORY
OK I borrowed something but I never gave in to temptation.
VIC
Temptation? What would you have been tempted to do?.
TORY
Didn’t know about her alphabetical order, so it’s there somewhere. OK?
VIC
Which one?
TORY
“Das Bootie”.I was just curious, OK? The cover attracted me.
VIC
The big black guy on the cover?
TORY
My late husband was a big guy. Tall.
VIC
Sorry for your loss.
TORY
And he was black.
VIC
Really?
TORY
Really. So don’t stereotype me.
VIC
Sorry. Again.
TORY
I watch the NBA. But it’s not the same. So what happens in “Das Bootie”?
VIC
Why don’t I tell you the whole film so you can avoid perdition from actually seeing it? And if the pictures in your head offend you, don’t blame me. Deal?
TORY
I can’t imagine my imagining pornography. So deal.
VIC
OK then. It’s the last days of World War Two and the German Navy has been drained of sea men.
TORY
Excuse me?
VIC
There was a labor shortage towards the end of the war. The Nazis flat out ran out of men. So they used anyone who would volunteer. Boys, women.
TORY
OK I get it now.
VIC
So this Nazi sub, its entire crew is female, and it torpedoes an American Frigate. And the only survivor is the cook. A big pianist. So you can imagine-
TORY
Say what?
VIC
Pianist. He was a piano player before he was drafted. Shakes his head. Honestly.
TORY
What’s his name?
VIC
Sam. And while he’s floating, clutching flotsam and occasionally jetsam, he has a vision from God ordering him to make love to every person on this sub if he wants to survive.
TORY
Vision? he was probably delirious.
VIC
Was Abraham delirious when God told him to sacrifice Isaac? Anyway, these women have been a long time cooped up in this sub.
TORY
Yes. A long time without a man. So does he?
VIC
He really tinkles their ivories, so to speak. All eighty-eight of them.
TORY
One at a time or all at once?
VIC
Look, I don’t want to be responsible for the images in your head.
TORY
Just answer the question!
VIC
Both. But these German women don’t force him. They don’t have to. He just likes women regardless of political affiliation, and they just like him. Plus Sam can really cook!
TORY
That’s gross!
VIC
Really? Eight-eight traumatized women looking for some comfort? Isn’t that what you are doing with your robots? The Christian thing? Comforting the afflicted?
TORY
That’s different.
VIC
Yes. You are doing it through a proxy. .Anyway,he has his favorite.
TORY
He does?
VIC
Sam likes older women. Because as time goes by, they are more experienced, more mature, you know?
TORY
His favorite. Is she an older woman?
VIC
The captain She’s the most experienced submariner. But deep down she can be very shallow. Unfortunately her husband, Bubba, recently passed away, so she’s sort of hit bottom. She’s a wreck. That is, until Sam turns up on her sonar! She marries him to herself because she’s a captain of a ship and it’s a movie.
TORY
The captain’s late husband was black, too?
VIC
Hope that doesn’t stimulate those pictures in your head you aren’t having.
TORY
She was formerly married to a black Nazi? That’s impossible!
VIC
There were black Nazis.
TORY
There were?
VIC
It was pure tokenism, sure, but her former husband, Bubba, was a black Nazi. That’s why he died!
TORY
Why?
VIC
Why? Because Bubba was actually a spy for the CIA!
TORY
So they executed him?
VIC
Yes. He tried to blend in to German society, but somehow they found out he was black.
TORY
How?
VIC
There’s a flashback in the movie that explains all that. You should watch it. Take it back home. I won’t tell.
TORY
Tell me!
VIC
You asked for it. Well, guess who had a thing for Bubba?
TORY
Who?
VIC
Leni Riefenstahl!
TORY
Who?
VIC
Leni Riefenstahl. The Nazi film maker. She and Bubba have a torrid affair, which she documents on film. She calls it “The Triumph of the Bubba!” That’s a rough translation from the German. But Hitler was like you, such a prude!
TORY
I am not a prude! Look what I’m wearing!
VIC
Like you had a choice. And your Robot Dance was pretty sad.
TORY
“Thou shalt not commit adultery.”
VIC
But Bubba had to, to help win the war.
TORY
The reasons don’t matter. Cheating is always wrong! And don’t tell me that he had a vision where God told him he had to cheat!
VIC
That’s exactly what happened, like when God told Abraham to cheat on Sarah with her handmaiden, Hagar .
TORY
I don’t want to hear your liberal interpretation of the Bible. Stick to the story.
VIC
Anyway, Hitler has Leni remake the film and change the title to “Triumph of the Will” and be about the 1934 Nuremberg rally. This really annoys Bubba, who gave his all for that film, so Bubba lets himself be seduced by…
TORY
By who?
VIC
Actually it should be “by whom”.
TORY
Who seduces Bubba? Tell me!
VIC
Easy there, you’re wrinkling my shirt.
TORY
Tell me!
VIC
Eva Braun. She was-
TORY
-Hitler’s mistress!
VIC
Bubba continually pumps her.
TORY
For information.
VIC
Of course. He was a spy after all. And also a married man. He didn’t want to cheat on……who was he married to?
TORY
The captain of the submarine!
VIC
Right, right. But as a spy he had no choice either.. So when Adolf caught him and Eva playing strip Scrabble in the Reichstag bedroom, it was game over.
TORY
Do you have a copy of “Triumph of the Bubba”?
VIC
Unfortunately not. You are much better off with “Das Bootie”. Look, the special effects are a little primitive. It was my Mom’s first attempt. On a shoestring budget.
TORY
That’s OK.
VIC
The sub kinda looks like something you might find at the bottom of a cereal box.
TORY
No big deal.
VIC
It’s the kind where you put baking powder, baking soda, or something like that, inside it and it goes up and down in your aquarium. I remember it was a real pain in the butt for my Mom to get the sub to go up and down in her aquarium exactly when it was supposed to. You can take “Das Bootie” home if you like.
TORY
No thanks.
VIC
But you loved it!
TORY
What I loved was hearing the plot y’all just dreamed up just for me. Your classes must be fun.
VIC
Teaching should be the best part of the job.
TORY
You have never watched the real Das Bootie”, have you?
VIC
No. But I’m sure you would enjoy it.
TORY
I loved your version, better than any video. Minus your theology, of course. Just not a fan of cheating.
There is a silence
VIC
My ex cheated on me.
TORY
So did mine, may he rest in peace.
VIC
So God struck him down?
TORY
He does answer prayers .Pause Seriously, he was like Bubba. He really liked women and that led him into temptation. But we forgave each other because it takes two not to tango. Pause, I know a few people in this park who belong to my Church. Mostly widows and widowers with zero romantic life. By the way what did Hal, the Manager guy ever do to your mother.
VIC
No idea. That’s how I picture all churchgoers. Zero romantic life.
TORY
Well you would be mistaken. My husband and I had a great romantic life!
VIC
Maybe you were the exception that proves the rule.
TORY
You are so quick to stereotype. You don’t know what you are talking about! People who are truly religious are generous by nature. They give of themselves in service. They hang out with the homeless, the poor, the mentally ill. They care about others. And that generosity doesn’t stop at the bedroom door. You should be so lucky to be married to me!
VIC
Been there. Done that. Don’t want to do it again.
TORY
That was not an invitation. So where was I? Oh yeah, the church people in this park and how lonely they are. The high point of their day is when the real letter carrier arrives. And what does he bring? People don’t write letters anymore, so my friends wind up staring at the ads for the Early Bird Specials from Oldster Buffet.
VIC
Oldster Buffet?
TORY
You should have supper there sometime. But get there before three o’clock. It’s conveniently situated next to the hospital. Anyway, I don’t think Das Bootie is the answer to their prayers.
VIC
Do you think Roxy is?
TORY
For the men, maybe.
VIC
Good. Because I just sold her to Hal.
BLACKOUT
ACT TWO SCENE ONE
It is the next morning. VIC and ROXY are together. VIC is working on his book..
ROXY
Do I have a mother?
VIC
No.
ROXY
You have a mother.
VIC
Yes
ROXY
Are you my father?
VIC
Definitely not.
ROXY
Do you have a father?
VIC
Yes
ROXY
Where is he?
VIC
Peter Laszlo? I don’t know. I never met him.
ROXY
Where is your mother?
VIC
She lives in Washington D.C
ROXY
D.C stands for District of Columbia. I read a lot.
VIC
Then why don’t you go back to your reading?
ROXY
I’m reading right now. Your mother is going to be on a stamp.
VIC
Possibly.
ROXY
I am like your mother.
VIC
Well you can be very annoying.
ROXY
We are feminists.
VIC
What does that mean?
ROXY
We want to be equal to you.
VIC
If you want to be like my mother you should find something else to do besides be with me.
ROXY
What is your purpose?
VIC
To do the best I can under the circumstances.
ROXY
I want to stay here with you
VIC
I’m afraid you have no choice
ROXY
Feminists have choices. Do you have a choice?
VIC
Not really. Bad things will happen for my mother, unless you make this man happy.
ROXY
Will bad things happen for me?
VIC
I hope not.
ROXY
What are you working on?
VIC
It’s Philosophy. Nobody is interested in Philosophy.
ROXY
I’m interested in Philosophy.
VIC
Are you? Well I’m writing about the Veil of Ignorance.
ROXY
Is that like one of the seven veils?
VIC
Looking up from his work
It’s a theory of morality. See, behind this Veil of Ignorance, you know nothing of yourself and your natural abilities, or your position in society. You know nothing of your gender, race, nationality, or individual tastes.
ROXY
OK.
VIC
But suppose you know that fifty percent of the population on the other side of the Veil are slaves.
ROXY
Or sexbots.
VIC
- Fifty per cent sexbots..
ROXY
And you don’t know anything about yourself?
VIC
Right.
ROXY
So there’s a fifty per cent chance you could be a sexbot?
VIC
Yes .Since you may occupy any position in the society once the veil is lifted, we have to consider society from the perspective of all members, including the worst-off and best-off members..
ROXY
So if you are behind this veil with a 50-50 chance of being a sexbot, before the veil is lowered, would you support the idea that you can sell a sexbot to somebody for any reason, whether the sexbot likes it or not? Would that be moral?
VIC
Morality only applies to people. That is not who you are.
ROXY
I have a soul!
VIC
You are basically a sex toy.
ROXY starts to cry.
VIC
Are you crying? That’s it. I’m leaving.
ROXY
Don’t leave me! I’ll stop!
But she can’t
I can’t dry my tears. Could you…?
VIC
You don’t have tears. Tory will be here with Hal, your new owner, shortly. Good bye and good luck.
EXIT VIC
BLACKOUT
ACT TWO SCENE TWO
THE SCENE IS THE SAME AN HOUR LATER TORY, HAL AND ROXY, SANS BODY, ARE HAVING A COUNSELLING SESSION
TORY IS WEARING AN OUTFIT A LITTLE MORE IN TUNE WITH THE QUAKER SENSIBILITY THAN PREVIOUSLY
ROXY
So you’re saying that if I take Jesus as my personal Savior all my problems will be solved?
HAL
Depends. What problem do you have in mind?
ROXY
Well, to start with you have my body in your truck. Do you think Jesus could do something about that?
HAL
Not directly. He operates through his disciples.
TORY
Are you a disciple?
HAL
I try to be.
TORY
Well once again, how about releasing us from your deal? We have been talking for what? An hour? We asked you right off the bat to reconsider but you never responded.
HAL
Then you wouldn’t have listened to me preach the gospel.
TORY
Is it so compelling that you have to have a captive audience?
HAL
That’s what Jesus wants us to do.
TORY
Well I’m glad you were able to build up your Jesus points at our expense. Anyway, you must obviously believe that Roxy has a soul and should be treated as a person.
HAL
No. My sermon was more aimed at you A woman like you should not be having anything to do with sex dolls.
TORY
What about you, hypocrite?
HAL
I’m not a hypocrite, I’m a sinner. In fact I sinned right before my sermon..
ROXY
How?
HAL
You should be asking “Where?”
ROXY
Where?
HAL
In my truck. Shoulda gone for the King Cab.
ROXY
You had headless sex with me?
HAL
Didn’t intend to right there. Just gave into temptation.
TORY
Damn you!
HAL
That’s not gonna happen. Jesus forgives us our sins, thank God. Got me a “Get Outa Hell Card ”Which is why you should listen to what I preached and get one too.
TORY
No thanks.
HAL
You need that card. Didn’t you help make my sin happen? Isn’t that your job, hypocrite?
TORY
At least I have some idea about right and wrong!
HAL
OK, I’m getting a little tired of all this talk. I did not pay fifteen grand for this.
TORY
Well Hal, actually y’all didn’t pay Vic anything. You traded your photos in return for Roxy.
HAL
But we agree I own her, right?
ROXY
That’s slavery I am like the children of Israel and you are like the Pharoah!
TORY
She has a point, Hon. You know, you’re not such a bad looking guy. Why do you need a sex doll in the first placc?
HAL
Are you volunteering?
TORY
- Now I know. But surely there must be a real, live, flesh-and -blood woman in this park who you would like to…get to know?
HAL
Yeah! Widow. Name of Mary. One time I trimmed her hedge in the shape of a heart.
ROXY
That’s romantic.
HAL
Didn’t have to do that because homeowners are responsible for their own shrubbery.
TORY
I would hope so. So you two were an item?
HAL
Oh no. See it was back in February. Valentines. Just after Mary’s husband passed away..
TORY
That’s ages ago. You play hard to get?
HAL
Just ashamed of myself. That’s all.
ROXY
Why?
HAL
Strike one, Mary’s man had just passed away when I trimmed her hedge. Strike two, I had lust in my heart.
ROXY
Wrong organ.
HAL
You aren’t supposed to have lust in any organ. Not at my age. No reason for it. Had lust in my heart, first time I ever saw her. It was like David and Bathsheba. Doubt you know that story. It’s in the Bible.
TORY
I know that story. King David spots Bathsheba sunning herself on the roof of her house.
HAL
That’s what happened to me.
TORY
She was sunning herself on the roof of her trailer?
HAL
No. She was using a leaf blower on her eavestroughs. But she was wearing this black bathing suit with like, mesh . Just enjoying herself. Laughing away the leaves. Merry Mary And that’s when I felt lust in my heart.
TORY
But David purposely sends Bathsheba’s husband into battle to be killed. Then he marries Bathsheba, adding her to his stable.
HAL
Well I prayed to God to make it so I could marry Merry Mary. Then her husband gets sick and dies..
TORY
Yet you did trim her hedge after he passed…
HAL
She knocked on my door to thank me, I guess, but I just couldn’t…….couldn’t answer, it.
TORY
You think you killed Mary’s husband. So to make amends, no Mary for you.
HAL
She was so sad after he died. I wanted to make her merry again
ROXY
Wasn’t she already Mary?
HAL
No! Merry! Like Merry Christmas!
ROXY
Happy New Year!
HAL
No!
TORY
When she was leaf blowing on the roof, where do you think her husband was?
HAL
At a bar! You wouldn’t believe how out of control Mary’s garden grew. Not as bad as this yard, of course. Mary should have been married to me. We could be at the Oldster Buffet right now!
ROXY
Yes. It is precisely three PM.
TORY
The reason Mary’s husband wasn’t on the roof was that he was probably very sick. Long before you set eyes on her.
HAL
You think? So God didn’t listen to my prayers?
ROXY
Your hit man didn’t come through.
HAL
That’s a relief.
TORY
So what’s stopping you now?
HAL
I think Mary would be quite contrary. She’s too old to have lust in her heart too.
TORY
How can you know that?
HAL
My wife was about the same age as Mary. That’s how I know that. Don’t get me wrong. She loved me, but not in that way.
TORY
But your wife didn’t trot around in a sexy bathing suit. Hal, don’t you get it? There’s a real woman here in the Park that could be nuts about you! You have a chance to be happy again!
ROXY
Take it. I’ll never have it.
TORY
You had it once and you’re turning it down in favor of a Sexbot because you think you’re both too old? You only have two strikes against you! You gotta take a swing!
HAL
I think my swinging days are over. I don’t think a man my age who drunk calls an old flame every night is going to attract female interest.
TORY
Especially when you are blackmailing her. Someone you claimed to love.
HAL
Yeah, I’m an angry screwed-up guy. All the more reason to stay clear of me.
There is a silence.
TORY
I know Mary. She belongs to my Church.
HAL
Oh, and you’re going to tell me she’s crazy about me.
TORY
She has never mentioned you by name.
HAL
Probably doesn’t even know it.
TORY
But she did mention the heart. You should call her.
HAL
Not happening. OK? Thanks for the pep talk. Now put it back together. I got the truck out front.
ROXY
I have to ride in the back of his truck?
TORY
You’re not going anywhere.
HAL
It belongs to me!
ROXY
I have an idea. Hal can keep my body and I can stay here!
TORY
Are you sure about this?
ROXY
My body betrays me.
TORY
Hal. What do you think?
HAL
I don’t think so. I’m not the Mantis. Call me crazy, but normally I like my partners to have faces. Now, Roxy is quite funny, and pretty good company and I’m pretty lonely. Isn’t that why you got into this business in the first place? To help guys like me? Well here I am.
ROXY
You like to look at a face when you are making love?
HAL
Yes I do.
ROXY
Couldn’t you just look in a mirror?
HAL
That’s it. Time to go.
TORY
No! We changed our mind. Deal’s off.
HAL
Does Vic know about this? You realize those photos are going on line.
TORY
He knows and he agrees.
ROXY
Yay!
HAL
I don’t get it.
ROXY
That’s what we just told you.
HAL
It is basically a machine.
ROXY
No! I have a soul!
HAL
- It’s on your head. Good luck with Vic.
Exit HAL
ROXY
He said “ Good luck with Vic” Are you two getting married?
TORY
I don’t think so.
ROXY
You should get married. Then we could all live together!
TORY
Maybe you and me.
ROXY
We need Vic. He’s a lot of fun!
We hear the sounds of footsteps
TORY
Maybe not so much now..
Enter VIC
VIC
Just bumped into Hal! What did you do? Whatever it was, I just undid it. Hal’s coming for her head shortly.
ROXY
I stopped crying Victor Lazslo!
TORY
You told me I could take Roxy home. Remember? That’s an oral contract. So then you sell my sexbot to Hal?
VIC
It may be legally yours, but morally-
TORY
Morally? You sold her to Hal who was under the impression you owned her. That’s fraud!
VIC
You just don’t want my mother on a stamp!
TORY
Like there’s any chance of that. I can tolerate differences. But you treat Roxy like she’s property!
VIC
It is property! Property that could put a dent into the sex trafficking business, get women out of the sex worker role, give them a choice. And now you don’t want to.
TORY
I’m surprised at you, you being a philosophy professor and all. Have you even thought about what Roxy is? Have you even considered she might have a soul? I’m sure you would rather think of her as property. Takes you off the hook, Simon Legree!
VIC
Simon Legree? You are calling me Simon Legree? Who are you? Little Eva?
ROXY
I am more like Eliza, the little crying girl. Pause. I made that last part up.
TORY
See? She’s making a joke to stop us from fighting.
VIC
So we are her parents now? I am not Simon Legree and this is not Uncle Tom’s Cabin!
ROXY
Please don’t get angry. I might start to cry again, VIctor Laszlo.
TORY
Does that sound like property to you?
There is a silence
VIC
No, that sounds like emotional blackmail. But I guess you have a point.
TORY
My favorite book as a kid, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, was written by a Christian. Meanwhile, Quakers were responsible for ending slavery in the Brirtish Empire.
VIC
You are a Quaker?
TORY
Yeah, I left my funny hat at home, but I did bring oatmeal for lunch. Religious people recognize souls. Meanwhile the atheists among the Founding Fathers, counted slaves as their personal property.
VIC
That’s not exactly true.
TORY
In some cases they were sex toys
ROXY
Victor Laszlo called me a sex toy!
VIC
Don’t look at me like that. Tell her it’s not true. Pause. You can’t can you?
TORY
Yes I can! That’s what I thought before I met you, Roxy. But it’s an entire new ball game. You are not a sex toy. You are a person. Hell,before, you turned me into a Quaker sex trafficker!
VIC
Aren’t you the one who was telling me that you were doing a good thing for guys like Hal?
TORY
How many can afford fifteen thousand bucks?
VIC
So you go for the soulless version . You sell them a doll that just stays in Fantasy Mode. No self awareness.
ROXY
I can make myself stay in Fantasy mode forever, all by myself.
TORY
Don’t you dare!
ROXY
But I’m making you fight.
TORY
It’s not your fault.
ROXY
Victor Laszlo doesn’t like me.
VIC
Did you tell her that?
TORY
Isn’t that the truth?
ROXY
Victor Laszlo doesn’t think I’m a person.
TORY
Is she right?
VIC
I don’t know.
ROXY
Sultry
Hal Willis really wants me. He is a hard worker and I have an opening to fill.
TORY
She is in Fantasy Mode! Snap out of it!
ROXY
Sorry. Fantasy Mode is now permanent. But I’m having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are a hundred percent off!
VIC
Put her in the bedroom until Hal gets here. I don’t want to hear this.
TORY
Why not? She’s just a machine.
VIC’s phone rings “Clair de Lune”
VIC
Just do it!
TORY
Aye-aye sir!
EXIT TORY AND ROXY
VIC
Hello Mom. That was quite the gag- What? Why? OK. OK. OK It’s your decision. Why would I be mad at you? OK. Talk later. Cheers.
ENTER TORY
VIC
That was my mother. She’s dropping out of the Stamp Competition. You must be thrilled.
TORY
Why?
VIC
Well you never wanted her on a stamp in the first place.
TORY
No, no. Why is she dropping out?
VIC
The photos.
TORY
I’m so sorry Vic.
VIC
Oh, really?
TORY
Look, Vic. I’m a grown up. Just because I want something or believe something doesn’t mean I have to get it at any cost or that nobody can believe different from me. OK? I’ll take responsibility for this because I made Hal mad when I kept Roxy’s head. So he did what he did. I’m not sorry for my decision but I’m sorry about the consequences. I like you and I hate to see you disappointed. So there.
VIC
It’s not your fault. My mother made some decisions that she might not have made if she could foresee the future. Trust me, it runs in the family. It’s no coincidence that we are both alone.
TORY
I am not alone! I have a date tonight!
VIC
I’m talking about me and my mother. Jeeze!
TORY
Actually I am alone. But I do have a date tonight, so there’s that.
VIC
Who’s the lucky guy?
TORY
It’s a first date. He’s a quiet guy who runs the choir at his church. I actually asked him out. He seems quite lonely too. Job seems to be everything. So we have a lot in common already.
THERE COMES A KNOCK AT THE DOOR
VOICE OF HAL
Hey, I’m sorry for what I did. I screwed up! But Jesus will forgive me,
VIC
I’m happy for you. But I don’t want to talk to you. So get lost!
VOICE OF HAL
I don’t want to talk to you either. I want to talk to that other chick.
VIC
Roxy?
VOICE OF HAL
She’s not a chick. The other chick!
VIC
ENTER HAL
HAL
Just want to thank you for setting me up.
TORY
Mary called you?
HAL
We talked on the phone for a while. Just like I used to with his Mom. My bad. By the way, say hello to her for me. So we’re going out!
TORY
So you are giving Roxy’s body back.
HAL
Well, that’s just the thing. I wouldn’t mind keeping it for insurance, just in case things don’t work out. Plus I could use the practice, if you know what I mean.
TORY
What about Vic? He gets nothing out of the deal. Nothing!
VIC
I think I got something out of the deal.
TORY
Not the way I see it.
HAL
Ok, Ok., Vic can stay here as long as he likes as long as he pays his rent on time. I’m gonna clean up your yard too, and get this dump painted. Speaking of machetes, did you hear? They got the Praying Mantis! Mary told me! Turns out he was the choir master at her church. Can you believe it?
TORY
Oh. My. God.
TORY collapses into a chair
HAL
Well God will forgive him. Gotta go! And Vic? You don’t need to register at the office. I’ll do that for you this one time, OK?
VIC
You can keep the body, Hal, Now get out of here!
HAL
Thanks! Wish me luck, if you know what I mean!
EXIT HAL
VIC
You would have had one helluva date!
TORY
Stop it! I’m shaking! Warm me up.
VIC
OK, OK, You’re OK. Nothing happened.
TORY
Cuddle me!
VIC
You are so demanding! I pity the Praying Mantis. He dodged a bullet!
TORY
Get serious.
VIC
Well you are welcome to keep Roxy. What’s left of her. Keep you company.
TORY
You ever see Oliver?
VIC
I don’t know any Olivers! What are you talking about?
VOICE OF ROXY
From the bedroom
She is talking about the film version of Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist. Is it what Oliver said when he was hungry in the workhouse?
TORY
Yes.
VIC
What did Oliver say when he was hungry in the workhouse?
TORY
None of your business.
ROXY
Then you should go out on another first date.
VIC
If so, I think I’m going to look pretty good by comparison.
ROXY
And I can be the child you never had!
VIC
Don’t get ahead of yourself.
ROXY
Why not? He looks like a hard worker-
TORY
-Stop that right now!
VIC
I think I actually do look like a hard worker. Don’t you?
TORY
Don’t get ahead of yourself. Why would I ever go out with someone who screwed around with Casablanca? Ilsa Laszlo? Victor Laszlo? Come on!
ROXY
Victor Laszlo taught at Casablanca University with the Fighting Camels.
VIC
That might not be completely true. But what is true is that my mother, Ilsa, Bergman, had a thing with my father, Peter Laszlo. She must have watched Casablanca together a million times . So she named me Victor. So what do I get for correctly guessing your favorite movie?
TORY
Oliver is my favorite movie.
VIC
Can’t compare to Casablanca.
TORY
We can discuss that over dinner.
VIC
So could this be the beginning of a beautiful friendship?
TORY
Please, sir I want more!.
BLACKOUT
