These days it’s more and more difficult to stand out, be admired, and generally take our rightful place in society. But we can attract admiration and envy from our friends and neighbors by simply purchasing an elite upscale dog.
We could spend $8,000 on a Lowchen, which seems rather high. But luxury dogs are like, so yesterday. We could go for the designer dog hybrids. But Cockapoos, Yorkipoos, and Labradoodles are as common as we are. Better we should consider the Basset Poodle, or the deeply conflicted American French Bulldog.
Problem with these Frankenstein dogs is that like the royal family, they are inbred to the max. Many of them have trouble locating their dog dish. Some are pure mistakes, dogs that have been misbred to relieve themselves inside the house and to actually welcome burglars. No, the dog you want to purchase above all others is the Royal Bhutanese Sniffer.
Why? Well, for one thing Bhut Sniffers are the first dogs ever to be bred for their religion, a form of Buddhism. Hence, the Sniffers are organic vegetarians and practice meditation 24/7. When awake, they generally slip into a trance state where they vocalize while their limbs do a ritual spastic dance.
Eating and sleeping and licking their chakras take up most of their days and nights. They are completely self-grooming. Furthermore, their hypo allergenic fur is electro-statically charged such that, instead of shedding, they literally pick up detritus like a vacuum cleaner. Hence its nickname, “The Bhutanic Dirt Devil”!
Sniffers do not go for walks. Bhutanic law requires that outside the home these sacred animals be carried everywhere. What sets Sniffers further apart from all other dogs is the fact that when they tinkle on a plant, it galvanizes a vegetative growth spurt. Tourists flock to Bhutan to witness this phenomena at the Royal Bhutanical Gardens.
The other thing is that their poop literally does not stink. This allows the animal hours to examine it for imperfections, hence the “Sniffer” in its name. Rather it gives off an almost irresistible perfume which, if deemed perfect, is one of the chief exports of the country, and available at finer Bhutiques everywhere.
Sniffers are an ancient dog and were never seen outside of Bhutan until the 19th century when a pair were brought to England by Buddhist missionaries. Their offspring took to the more hectic pace of industrialized Britain. They became incredibly more active. However they lost all the other characteristics that made Sniffers so special. These offspring started a line of their own and were renamed by the Brits. They called them Golden Retrievers.
But we can only purchase a genuine Sniffer in Bhutan. Lots of people like to pretend their Goldens are actually Sniffers, but don’t be fooled. If someone in a dark alley offers to sell you a Sniffer for less than $10,000, be on your guard. They are virtually indistinguishable.
Have the canine in question do its business and then kneel down and smell the result. If you are still not sure, get the animal to pee on a plant. Then stand back. Finally throw a tennis ball in its direction. If the dog retrieves it, then we are dealing with an imposter.
But if not, we have the real thing. An eighty-pound Royal Bhutanese Sniffer.
We’ll be the envy of the neighborhood as we carry it all the way home!