Self Help For Other People



Not in the sense of horking on your in-laws’ vegetable garden, picking your nose at the gala, throwing up on your grandmother’s cat after a bender, or extracting nose hairs during your nuptials. Those activities are completely optional. No, we are talking about deliberately not knowing stuff. Why? You will live longer.

Ever hear the expression, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you”? If you are following our advice you never have heard of it. But this saying is absolutely true. Did you know that knowledge creates stress and that stress can kill you? See, even that nugget of information can come back to bite you.

For example, wouldn’t you be feeling better today if you knew nothing about the US election? Wouldn’t your blood pressure be much lower? Do you recognize the name Kim Jong-Un? If you believe it to be that of a Korean actress, good for you. Cherish that knowledge and never google that name. Don’t ask why, just don’t do it. You’ll live longer.

The Global Warming thing? Never look that up. “Winter is still cold.” Just repeat that phrase every night before bedtime. Have you heard that one per cent of the population owns fifty per cent of the worlds wealth? Oops! Forget we ever said that. Besides how could that even happen?

Whatever you do, don’t fact-check. That way madness lies. All it can do is create more stress for ourselves when we find out that the earth is not quite as flat as we may have thought.

We were perfectly happy when we were watching the Flat Earth News Network, listening to Flat Earth Talk Radio, visiting, hanging with our Flatty Friends and sending our kids to Flat Earth Charter School to preserve their child-like ignorance. Why burst their Flat bubble by playing with Rounders at recess?

Being ignorant can help us in our domestic life as well. Suppose we accidentally open our beloved’s email and find a reminder of tonight’s meeting of “our swinger’s club”. First of all, never read a partner’s email if we value a life free of cardiac events. Urge them to set up a private email server.

Think positive thoughts and avoid negativity at all costs. It could be that our sweetheart has joined a square dance group. Or perhaps the ball team has issued an invitation to meet at a local batting cage. Maybe it’s all about a golfing event featuring a mixed foursome. No, cancel that thought.

And whatever you do, do not interrogate your partner. Do not ask why one would wear stilettos to a square dance. And do not follow your partner at a discreet distance. And do not spy on your partner through a basement window. And do not ask yourself how on earth one could ever host square dancing in a dimly-lit recreation room full of heavy couches and a six foot ceiling? And where is the western attire? Where is the attire, period?

You’ll be much happier spending the evening watching cat videos instead.

As long as they are Flat Earth cat videos!

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