How to Improve a Port Paradise


We may think we don’t need it, but resentments can build up in the happiest of relationships.  For example, maybe her towels are fluffier than ours.  Maybe he has taken over virtually every space in our home, while we have to change in the laundry room.

Maybe she throws out our prized Woodstock tee, just because it accents our midriff, or he lectures us about our poutine addiction. After a hundred years of marriage small grievances get magnified, especially in the bedroom.  We try to talk about it, but our spouse just goes into denial.  Yet we can’t deny that things have just gone downhill since our wedding night.  Yes, we are talking about Cover Stealing!

You know the drill.  We are freezing in bed under the covers because our partner is hot and has the ceiling fan rotating at about a million revolutions a minute.  The malefactor is to our right, lying on top of the covers.  So between that and Fido, lying on your left, we, the victim, are being shrink wrapped!  Then after a while the perpetrator  cools off and wakes us up by crawling under the covers, thus creating the perfect Dutch Oven scenario.

Then comes the pushing and pushing, such that the criminal has invaded our half of the bed which we already are sharing with the family pet!  Our half is our nocturnal dwelling, and somebody has broken into it, specifically to steal our covers!  Now the dog has fled in terror, and we are on the brink of tumbling right out of bed, a possibly fatal drop.  Silently we reach under our bed and grasp the shotgun, untraceable, thanks to the Harper government’s dismissal of the Gun Registry.

Yes it’s a shame it had to end this way.  But it should be no problem for your lawyer to argue that when your partner unlawfully entered your side of the nocturnal dwelling, lawfully occupied by you, you as owner are presumed to have held a reasonable fear of death or great bodily harm so as to justify the use of deadly force.  Make sure the jury is composed of married couples.

How many times did we beg our partner to get therapy?  But no.
Now does our suggestion look a little less crazy?

BEAR WITH ME by Patrick Harding
How do we improve a Port Paradise?

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