Thousands of canines blocked workers trying to enter Google Inc. headquarters in a concerted effort to roll back technologies which they say are harming them. Some wore masks so as not to be identified, but a few volunteered to give brief interviews to the fake press.
Dudley, a Labrador Retriever:
“I used to take pride in the fact that I cleaned up anything that hit the kitchen floor. My parents never needed to vacuum in the kitchen. They called me “Dyson”. But without even consulting me they bought this scary robot thing that goes everywhere! It sucks! I had no recourse but to find the courage to try to short circuit it, using the liquid method… However, I missed. Now they are talking about making me redundant!”
Max, a Rottweiler.
“My job was to scare intruders to death and I was very good at it. We were never broken into, nobody dared put flyers on our porch, you get the picture. But one day they left the house and didn’t get back for my supper. Then while I was wasting away with hunger. some random criminal unlocks the front door! So I just did what I was bred to do, OK? Now they won’t even let me visit Grandpa at the Rehab Facility, and tomorrow they are installing Google Home! “
Troglodytes Choice, Retired Greyhound
“So there I was, settling in for a nice winter’s nap when all of a sudden what should I hear? Some Chick saying “Please get off the couch” ! try it again, same thing, and Chick ain’t nowhere to be seen! How am I supposed to be a couch potato if I can’t go on a couch? So of course I trotted into my owners bedroom closet, got into the laundry and ripped up all the thongs. Now he’s talking about youthanizing me,. But going back to the puppy stage? Been there, done that.”
Chiquita, Teacup Chihuahua
“I remember when my Mistress used to take me out for walks in her purse, groom me, talk to me. Now she spends all her time on Facebook. I get to share purse space with the Android. So you can’t really blame me for pooping on it, can you? I mean, we are only talking rabbit pellets here. Plus I got rid of the evidence, if you catch my drift. I would have got away with it completely if she hadn’t taken me out and kissed me! Then she took out that phone and called ICE! Did I tell you I’m Undocumented?”
Goober, A Bloodhound
“Time was, when they called me out to track criminals. Now they just track his phone. So there I am, shut up in the house all day watching so-called celebrities flog their crap on the Shopping Network. I’m telling you, I wouldn’t hump Kim Kardashian if she was the last lady dog on Earth. And that loudmouth partner of hers? Don’t get me started!”
Unfurling a banner that read, “Google Is Not Man’s Best Friend”, the protest lasted until Security released a herd of cats on the steps of the venue which quickly dispersed the protestors.