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Kill Our Partners With Kindness


Offing our partner is risky business. We can’t afford a Mob hit and we are not exactly criminal masterminds ourselves, so the chance of a screw up is high. Even though real cops are a far cry from the Harvard educated geniuses you see on TV, they are a little more experienced than we are in these matters. Next thing you know we are pacing our cells to the tune of “Dead Man Walking”, awaiting a date with Old Sparky and the Green, Green Grass of Home.

So how do we commit the perfect crime? The important thing is not to give anyone, including our erstwhile sweetheart, reason to believe that things are anything but perfect between us. That eliminates motive. We just have to announce that from now on we intend to remedy any stormy marital history by treating them like the kings and queens they are!

Assume that one of the reasons we want to bump him off is that he is an idiot. Consequently, he would love a regular fast food diet. We recommend the six dollar guacamole burger with medium natural cut fries and a 32 ounce coke. That comes to 1,810 calories 92 g fat (29.5 g saturated, 2 g trans) 3,450 mg sodium

As the website, Food Matters, notes, “This meal has the caloric equivalent of 9 Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnuts, the saturated fat equivalent of 30 strips of bacon, and the salt equivalent of 10 large orders of McDonald’s French fries. And for many men the best part is that it only costs six bucks!

In the unlikely event that he hesitates, point out that the word “natural” appears in the description. Unfortunately our weapon can only be purchased at Carl Jrs, in the USA. But it does not require background checks. If this means a romantic road trip, buy in bulk and flash freeze That way this treat becomes a suppertime standby. Burn the receipts.

Our female victim may be a little more savvy food-wise, but not without an Achilles heel. May we recommend Baskin-Robbins’ Large Chocolate Oreo Shake? Food Matters notes that it contains 2,600 calories, 135 g fat (59 g saturated, 2.5 g trans), 1,700 mg sodium and 263 g sugars. That’s more than a day’s worth of calories and 3 days’ worth of saturated fat. Best of all, it takes less than 10 minutes to sip through a straw. What better way to show our love than by attending to her daily chocolate fix ?

But we can’t just depend on fast food to ice our former beloved. How romantic is it to wait on your partner hand and foot so they never have to lift a finger or get off the couch? Yes, this could be wearing for us, but remember, what we are really doing is whipping our self into shape for when we are once again single, whilst they are being fattened up for the proverbial slaughter. Think veal.

Finally, what more romantic film is there for the two of us to enjoy over and over again than Casablanca? Humphrey Bogart smokes approximately a million cigarettes in that classic flick. This is when we purchase a couple of cartons of smokes so that they can puff along And be sure to go for the unfiltered kings – the real coffin nails, just like Bogey. They’ll be hooked.

If all else fails to ensure their last moments occur beached in bed, we may have to make the ultimate sacrifice, so wear something sexy and be vigorous. Although the Coroner’s Report is sure to say “Death From Natural Causes”, it will be the neighbors comments that put us in the clear.
“They were so in love!”

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