Our Interview with the Vampire was granted on condition that his identity not be revealed on the grounds that he is completely fictional. With the global pandemic as the background, “Vlad” describes his life now:
“We object to the social distancing because we are virtually immortal, but then again because we are so old, we are especially vulnerable. So we self-isolate in coffins equipped with ventilators. Purchased them from Jared Kushner.
“He gave us a great deal! Rumour has it it’s because his in-laws come from Transylvania too. Anyway, Transylvania, besides being the world leader in sex change operations, has not recorded a single infection to date”.
“Speaking of family, seems like I’ve been married for about a thousand years to Hannah, that hard-hearted Vamp from Savanna. The old bat is stockpiling garlic because she heard on social media that it will drive the Virus away. And they say I’m a sucker! So I had to tell her, “Actually garlic traditionally drives us away.”
“I have a day job working for Canadian Blood Services. That’s a dream come true for me! Lately I’ve been donating. I’m kinda like a go-between-donor and recipient. And what thanks do I get? I get reprimanded for wearing a mask! So Hannah worries”.
“See, donations are down these days. And there’s plenty of folks that need transfusions, virus or no virus. They think the mask scares donors away. But what about my safety? And if donors turn up and see that I’m not wearing a mask won’t that freak them out even more?”
“But I keep my mouth shut about it at work, mainly because of the fangs. You might ask how I can look myself in the mirror? It’s easy because we don’t have a reflection”.
“ What I should tell Blood Services is that me and the boys can get them all the blood they need. First we tried sucking blood through our masks but that takes too long. But with everybody self isolating, no matter what open window you fly through, there is always someone at home.
So it all evens out.” When I say to them,”I want to taste your blood”, they hear “I want to test your blood” It’s that darned Transylvanian accent paying off for once.”
“Anyway, enough about me. My buddy, The Mummy, is unravelling with all the Virus talk. Very worried about his family. That’s right, the Mummy is a Daddy!”.
“But it’s not all bad. The Wolfman used to be pursued by huge mobs with the torches and the farm implements. Now, mobs are a thing of the past.
Townsfolk can’t get closer than six feet from him and even if they could they are ordered by the Government to “save lives and don’t put others at risk”.
And Wolfie has no worries about silver bullets, now that they have closed the mines. He tells me that last night that they were resorting to BB guns.
Trouble is, he can’t find victims on some lonely moor, because everybody is sheltering at home. Give a guy a break. A full moon only comes once a month!”
