Archives Self Help For Other People



Cure your lover naturally!

After all, who knows our bodies better? Our lover or our MD? Hopefully it’s our lover. Unless our lover is our MD. Anyway, what matters here is that our Sweetie is a good listener with a nice bedside manner. Someone who won’t rush us through our annual/weekly/daily check-up. Plus we won’t need to wear those silly gowns that fall open at the back.

Our darling may have been too stupid to pass biology or chemistry in high school. They might not have what it takes to get into Med School. Thankfully there is little science involved in the world of alternative medicine. But what if the love of our life is smart enough to favor the scientific based medicine of the last hundred years and doesn’t believe that magnets can’t cure our arthritis, carpal tunnel or migraines? We need to dump that partner in favor of someone much stupider.

For example, if we ever come down with disease, we don’t need a brain surgeon to cure us. Get Honey Muffin to have us drink a diluted substance that causes symptoms of the same disease in healthy people. We might be wary, but how dangerous could any such substance be when it’s unlikely to contain one molecule of the original herb or mineral? Bingo! Somebody just got promoted from “Honey Muffin” to “Homeopath”!

In the unlikely event that our condition doesn’t improve, Babycakes merely channels our supernatural vital energy which controls metabolism, reproduction, growth etc. We are talking the healing power of nature! Thankfully we live in one of the five provinces that regulate this pre-scientific belief system. Now Angel Face is a Naturopath!

Our Snuggle Bunny just has to use our “Qi”, which is an excellent Scrabble word for the energy which flows through our body, and helps propel our blood. If our Qi gets blocked we get disease. Doesn’t that make sense? It did in the fifth century BC. Cutie Pie just takes our pulse on both arms and inspects our tongue as part of an initial consultation. If necessary, explain to Sugar Lips that sucking on our tongue is going too far and against all precepts of Chinese medicine.

Stud Muffin may order us to lie still while he inserts, wait for it, five to twenty needles in locations determined by astrological calculations. and left in for ten to twenty minutes. If Sugar Buns is not an astrologist, just have them look up our horoscope in today’s newspaper. Naturally the needles restore balance to the blocked flows, and cures most ills. The WHO, (World Health Organization, not the rock band) recommends acupuncturists receive 2500 hours of specialized training. But this is not required if Sugar Pants plays darts.

If we don’t have the time for acupuncture we could show our Love Sponge how to transfer the supernatural energies from the palms of their hands to our bodily energy centers, called chakras, in order to heal us! Now we have taught Snookums Reiki! And if our Sex Machine looks peaked, why not give them a boost by reversing the charges through the palms of our own hands? It’s the least we can do.

Medical Science makes healing harder than it needs to be. They make us think that we have to be some kind of genius to heal others. That we have to ace hard subjects in school. Forget biology and chemistry.
Who has better chemistry than us and our Angel Baby?

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