PLAYS

THE WORLD OF ART

THE PLAY IS VERY, VERY GOOD!!!! SO MANY GREAT LINES!!!! Laugh out loud and intelligent! Baila Miller, Ringling College of Art & Design

DRAMATICS PERSONAE

ART

30’S BANKRUPT PLAYWRIGHT

( DUE TO FAILURE OF HIS MUSICAL BASED ON LIFE OF JEFFREY DAHMER, TASTES LIKE CHICKEN)

JO 30’S

ART’S FORMER PARTNER BUT PRESENT COHABITANT AND TENANT. AN ACCOUNTANT

AURORA 60’S (GLADYS)

FORMER PAINTER GROUPIE AND ART’S AUNT

VITO, 60’S

MAFIA ART FORGER AND GLADYS’ CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART

ACT ONE SCENE ONE

We are in a rather cramped downtown condo on a Saturday morning.

Stage left contains a dining table, chairs, and a laptop, its walls filled with paintings, photos and posters all with a literary theme, and festooned with Halloween decorations amid the mess. One particular theater poster features a musical called “Tastes Like Chicken”.

Center stage features a kitchenette, and stage right we have a spartan and spotless living room As the curtain rises, we see a couple in their thirties.

JO, a rather mousy-looking accountant for a law firm, is in the kitchen, She is dressed for a day at work, even though it is a Saturday.

There is a carton of milk on the kitchen table. JO sniffs it. It has obviously gone bad. ART in his pajamas, complete with bunny slippers, is at his laptop.

ART

Happy Renewal Day!

What?

ART

Our Treaty runs out at midnight. Things are going really well, so I don’t think we need to make any changes. Look at the time! It’s half past.

Yeah?

ART

Go to your room!

Knock yourself out, Art. You got half an hour.

(She retreats to the living room. Art moves into the kitchen.)

ART

If you don’t like any of the Clauses this is the time to speak up. It’s Renewal Day! Plenty of time for – Jo! where are the eggs?

What eggs?

ART

You ate my eggs!

Art. After three years, I still don’t eat eggs for breakfast.

ART

Well where are my eggs?

I would start the search in the supermarket. Why don’t you go into my side of the fridge and take my yogurt. Try my soy milk.

ART

OK, but technically that violates Clause Seven. Soy milk? I have real milk staring me in the face.

Only twenty-five minutes left! Drink up!

ART

Perhaps while I’m writing.

It’s pretty bad.

Art’s phone rings.

Aren’t you going to answer it?

ART

Nope.

Answer it!

ART

You were threatening to leave. Remember? You came up with some demands. Hence the Peace Treaty.

It could be an emergency!

ART

But it did bring us peace. I could finally write again

It could be your Mystery Woman!

ART

Year Three was quite…

Great. You missed it. Check your messages?

ART

Calm.

Suit yourself. Another missed opportunity.

ART

Now pardon me, while I take my milk to my dining room and get back to my play.

I’m telling you it’s bad!

ART

Au contraire. My play is actually quite good.

Says who? Your Mystery Woman?

ART

Clause Four, Section Three, “Although technically, they are still married for tax purposes, both parties are deemed free to date any person they desire”. We should take that out.

Why?

ART

Well I’m still married to you.

Technically. You gonna drink that milk?

ART

Yes I am going to drink that milk. Why aren’t you somewhere else?

Clause Three gives me the sole right to occupy this living room, at any time.

ART

Right. Renewal of our Agreement. All in favor? Hands up! Why aren’t you voting? Why the glazed expression? Daydreaming up a Prince Charming?

Thought I had a real one.

ART

Renewal has to be unanimous to pass, you know that.

Actually, I have met someone, Art.

ART

Oh.

And I wasn’t even looking.

ART

Well, congratulations. So that’s why you’re so out of it.

You want to know how we met?

ART

No.

In my drama class. And, although I’m moving out-

ART

You’re leaving?

– and obviously will not be renewing, I will not abrogate this Treaty even if it‘s the last day. Did I say last day? Last day. Woo hoo!

ART

Woo hoo? Why don’t you move out right now?

Nope. Tomorrow. November 1st. Independence Day.

ART

You had independence here! Things were better. I was writing. Behind my back you meet some guy?

You don’t need my permission to do the same. And when you do meet someone else as naïve as myself, just remember, women will say anything during the honeymoon period.

ART

Oh I can recall that. You said you loved my work. You showed interest.

That’s what got us in trouble. Tell me, do you have a title for your latest work in progress? This is called showing interest.

ART

A little too late for that.

I’m sorry. You are obviously too distraught to discuss your work.

ART

It’s called Law Like Love. OK? It’s is roughly based on the life of W.H. Auden

Never heard of him.

ART

Never heard of him? You take English 101 every Tuesday night and you never heard of W.H. Auden? Whatever. You found yourself another Sugar Daddy so I guess it all balances out.

Another Sugar Daddy? Some Sugar Daddy you turned out to be! Anyway. It’s not English 101. Like I told you a million times, it’s Dramatic Arts. Acting. Improv. Theatre games. Bernard said it would build up my confidence. And it has! He said it would give me the courage to finally get out from under you. Give you your space back.

ART

Bernard.

Bernard is our Drama Instructor.

ART

And an Inspirational Speaker. How wonderful for you. What a team you two should make. He in the Academy, eating bread and honey; you in the Counting House, counting all your money.

Does the Knave of Hearts not want to return to the World of Art?

ART

Anyway. Auden wrote a famous poem called-

“Law Like Love”?

ART

That is correct. The play starts at the end of his life and works backwards in flashbacks. See, it all begins in a Nursing Home.

This allegedly famous guy ended up in a Nursing Home too?

ART

Poetic license, OK?

When the curtain rises, do we see an overmedicated poet in a wheelchair by any chance?

ART

Yes. Breakfast is on his tray, but he has fallen asleep.

Is it possible his face is buried in his food?

ART

Yes. In his porridge.

Is there a long silence at this point?

ART

The audience thinks him dead. You would put him to sleep for making such a mess.

But then slowly the poet pulls his face out of the mush and delivers his first line. Can I guess?

ART

Go crazy.

“Law like love?”

ART

We have a winner!

You realize this scene is basically identical to the first scene in all your other plays?

ART

Not really. In the T.S. Eliot version it was Weetabix. And he died. It’s the steel cut oats that pulls Auden through.

Then who snorkeled in the Cream of Wheat?

ART

That was Langston Hughes. He dies too, so I guess that makes me a cereal killer!

Why aren’t I laughing?

ART

You’re an accountant. Stick with the spreadsheets. That will be all. Now for a slug of milk!

Art, it doesn’t pass the smell test. It turned my stomach!

ART

You take Drama, yet know nothing of Theater of the Absurd? You think Law Like Love is a stomach-turner? Ever hear of Samuel Beckett? Something called Happy Days?

I remember “The Fonz.” Vaguely. In reruns.

ART

Well, in this episode, when the curtain goes up you see this seaside couple and she is buried in sand up to her breasts! And in Act Two she is up to her neck in it!

I can identify.

ART

Oh, my sides!

So what happens?

ART

Nothing.

Sounds like us. Art, these plays. I don’t think they are helping you.

ART

It’s all about the process, my dear. Pure therapy. Art can do what numbers don’t. Art can get you through.

My Art just got me in deeper.

ART

On that note, in the spirit of farewell performance art, I intend to drink this straight out of the carton, right in front of you, so you might want to avert your gaze. Bottoms up! Glug. Glug. Oh.

I would give that performance a ten. How was it? Worse that face-planting into your porridge? Better than stuck in sand up to your neck?

ART

You are aware that under Clause Five Section One, you have a duty to warn me if I am in harm’s way.

Number one, I had been warning you all along. But you weren’t of this world. You were in the World of Art. Number two, that duty only applies to real and present dangers. Number three, you might consider taking time out from “Law Like Love” to get yourself some groceries today. And don’t forget the milk.

ART

I am so going to miss your numbers.

Yeah. Why can’t I be a free spirit like yourself? Oh, maybe it’s because , unlike yourself, I wasn’t born with a silver spoon up my butt! My parents never bought me a condo! I studied Accountancy; you studied English and Philosophy before law school, which is probably why the only thing on your side of the fridge was a carton of milk, and which, because you live in the World of Art, you left out overnight. Are you broke again?

ART

Just until tomorrow.

Why don’t you implement the Emergency Measures clause in Section E?

ART

I already told you, I don’t need your food!

“Pride goeth before a fall, Art!

ART

I’ve already fallen.

Fallen so far that you never considered for one second asking me to change my mind? To reconsider?

ART

Would you reconsider if I did?

You put that in the form of a question, Art. You on Jeopardy? What is “no”?

ART

What is the point then?

That’s it? You too proud to beg, Arthur?

ART

Oh. I get it. This was all a test. And I blew the final Jeopardy question.

The same pride that prevents you from going back to work. The old family firm would hire you back in an instant.

ART

I think you are being a little naïve. Anyway, I’d rather drink sour milk than toil in a soul-sucking profession.

Isn’t that what men do? These ludicrous plays.

ART

They help me, Jo.

Yeah they helped you get fired!

ART

I quit!

You got fired! See, that’s what happens when they discover your work day consists of writing a musical based on the career of Jeffrey Dahmer! You can’t even write music! Then, in Year One, you blew your severance package trying to produce it! Then in Year Two you blew my entire savings subsidizing its very short run!

ART

You were a willing investor at the time!

That’s what happens when you get too close to something. When there are no boundaries you drift too far. Who knew that a musical based on a career cannibal would close after six days and virtually bankrupt me?

ART

You ever hear of Sweeney Todd? Little Shop of Horrors? If them, why not Tastes Like Chicken? And don’t forget I was paying you back by subsidizing your rent. You would have never been able to live here otherwise.

I used to think that was my job. Believing in you like that. But not any more.

There is a silence

ART

Tomorrow. You must be excited.

What are you going to do for money, Art? Inheritance gone. No rent from me anymore. How are you going to live?

ART

I’ll rent your half out.

Just like that.

ART

She will take possession at noon, so be sure to have your stuff out by then.

She? You already had somebody lined up?

ART

Yes. My Mystery Woman. You think I’m an idiot? I could tell something was up. Highly irregular inefficiency on Tuesdays. So I got a back-up, just in case. Can’t afford a vacancy. But this whole episode, your leaving, has been a real lesson for me.

Well that’s something, isn’t it?

ART

Next Treaty is gonna have a month’s notice written right in.

Get out of my kitchen!

ART

What?

Times up! It’s my kitchen now! Get out!

ART

Because of a woman? What do you care? You’ve got Bernard! Hypocrite! Is he a Saint or a dog? Does he come with a keg around his neck?

Well I hope your Mystery Woman is a lot more thrilling than gullible.

ART

Don’t discount Year One. You were a very thrilling accountant. I’ll credit you with that. What a bottom line you had. What a spreadsheet! But it just didn’t add up. Anyway. How am I supposed to survive without rental income?

Don’t put this on me!

ART

You know, considering the location, you got a deal!

Considering what you owe me, you got a deal, Art!

ART

You stayed three years. Why leave now? Oh, Bernard.

At least Bernard is trying to better himself. He’s taking a real estate course while teaching a full schedule. What does that tell you?

ART

He couldn’t get tenure.

When he’s through he will make more money than any University Instructor!

ART

A realtor. Were all the used car sales positions taken?

Like you can afford to look down your nose at Bernard. He’s a man who lives in the real world. And in the real world I am paid up twelve months in advance in my new place .

ART

You never did that with me!

You would have run out of money by June. So who is this Mystery Woman?

ART

I can’t believe you are jealous. I’m telling Bernard.

You are making her sign the Treaty, aren’t you?

ART

Of course. If there’s one thing you have taught me, it’s how blindly following orders can bring true peace of mind. Explains so much about Nazi Germany. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms. I’m not looking for trouble. I’m looking for a tenant with a steady income. What are you looking for?

Something better than a guy in bunny slippers.

ART

I hope you find it. I honestly do.

I did. So tell me about your new tenant. I repeat. If it happened to me, it could happen to you!

ART

She fell right into my lap.

Oh! A lap dancer!

ART

Could be. Her name is Aurora.

That’s a stripper name alright.

ART

She contacted me. Looking for a place downtown.

How is she paying you? You do remember Section S?

ART

“Both parties are forbidden to engage in sexual relations with each other while this covenant is in force”? You insisted on that clause, remember?

You had no problem. Are you going to take that out?

ART

Why would I?

Because she might be compatible, Art. Maybe she is as naïve as I was.

ART

But unlike yourself, willing to pay market rent. Dancers make a lot of money! You should look into it.

Seriously. It’s a small space. You get to know each other. You learn your lesson, give up the World of Art, go back to work. The next thing you know….

ART

Now that is plain crazy talk!

You know, you could easily install a pole in this room. Afterwards, she could take you back to her bedroom for a private dance. She could use these cupboards to store her drug paraphernalia. Right along side your penicillin and copy of Russian for Idiots!

ART

That’s a stereotype! Most of these women are working their way through university.

I’m working my way through university, Art! You think instead of pouring over spreadsheets, I’m lap dancing nine to five?

ART

Be better for you. The exercise, for one thing. Plus you could handle-

Handle what?

ART

The phony intimacy. So I was wondering if I could hit you up for a loan until she arrives. Groceries. That’s permitted under Clause Five.

Yes but Clause Five does not require me to loan you money!

ART

I’m starving! Pay you back when she gets here.

Whatever. Here. You going out in your pajamas? It’s freezing. At least put on your trench coat..

ART

Down at the market they really love it when I wear the bunny slippers.

At one time that would have embarrassed me. Take the stairs. Be better for you.

ART

The symbolism. Me on the way down, you on your way up.

Here. Your coat’s unbuttoned.

ART

I like it that way.

ART exits while JO violates the Treaty by cleaning up Art’s half. There is a buzzing sound.

Forget your key again?

VOICE

I called ahead but nobody picked up!

Who is this?

VOICE

Oh. You must be Jo. This is your Auntie Aurora! Can I come up?

Blackout

ACT ONE SCENE TWO

We see JO in her underwear, tied up with scarves to a living room chair. AURORA has set up an easel and is painting her portrait. Her belongings have really messed up JO’s living room. Dressed in flamboyant flowing robes with headscarf, AURORA is a handsome woman, a beauty in her time and now a woman of an uncertain age. She is holding a wine glass which Jo is eagerly draining through a straw.

AURORA

“As soon as I’m finished doing your portrait, I’m going to do you!”

“I’m going to do you”? Artie never ever said that to me. Ever ever! His exact words?

AURORA

More or less. They don’t teach you that phrase at Smith, senorita. I was breathless! I still am to this day! Can you hear it? I’m actually wheezing even as I speak!

You didn’t need to take the stairs. There’s an elevator, see? He’s on his way down, but I’m getting high. How did you get past the doorman?

AURORA

Your doorman just exudes sexual energy. OK. Back to work. Wine break over. This was all years ago. Anyway. I had just turned eighteen. I said, “Pablo, you don’t have to play those head games with me. I am Aurora, I am yours! The Universe has sent me to you, to do with as you may! The Goddess has anointed me for you!” That was when his aura turned from black to gold, just like that. He understood me completely, and I him. Of course it all came in layers. He was bored with Jacqueline and his art was stagnating. It was that piece where he needed inspiration and I was brought there to do just that. We spent one of the best weeks of my life together on the Cote D’Azure. But the reality was that once I had ….refreshed him, he was chomping at the bit to get back to work, so he hurriedly packed me off on the train to Nice with barely a goodbye. But I didn’t mind. My purpose was achieved. We were both artistes, but our disciplines were very different. And so it has been with all the geniuses I have known, Andy, Salvador – that was surreal – and of course my dear Pablo. Did you know he passed, barely a week later? It’s like when I paid a special visit to Andy after his gall bladder operation in that hospital in New York. Afterwards we talked about old times, the movies we made, the Studio, the Factory. It was like he wanted to summarize his whole life in one afternoon. But I didn’t like his aura at all. He hated hospitals! I wanted to stay with him but he insisted I leave, rather vehemently, I might add. I didn’t understand at the time why they escorted me out, but the Universe was just trying to save me grief. The very next day, he too passed over to the other side! Can you believe that?

I’m not feeling so great myself. Too much wine. And these scarves.

AURORA

They have to be tight. This piece is all about the boxes we women put ourselves in, not that I have to tell you that. You are in a box right now, I can sense it. But you are about to break free of your bondage!

I couldn’t break free of my bondage if I tried.

AURORA

You don’t need to, honey. The Universe is taking care of that. You allowed me to paint you, because you realized that there’s a reason I was sent here. Of course we are family, but we have never met in this life. Nevertheless, you trusted me because I dazzle. That’s what I do. It’s one of my gifts. I dazzle you just like I have dazzled all the others. We made a connection. That’s a big step for you, sweetie.

This is like those trust exercises Bernard has us do in theatre class. Except there we keep our clothes on, of course. For now. My little Artie is going to have a fit!

AURORA

You don’t need to explain yourself, honey. You just need to be yourself.

I think myself is blotto. Are you almost finished?

AURORA

You mean to say, “Are we almost finished”. This is a joint piece. Equal responsibility. Yes I think we are. Now, are you worried that Arthur will come back or that he won’t come back? You know, when I spent that week with Tennessee, he used to say that when the marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are usually in the bed. Such a sweet man. His rocks were in his head at the time, until I got them off, although I didn’t sense that until he sent me away. You seem distracted.

Just drunk. Did you say you were in Tennessee?

AURORA

No. In fact quite the reverse, despite his preferences. You just don’t want Arthur to see you as vulnerable, do you?

Search me! Shouldn’t take long!

AURORA

Why did you permit a complete stranger to paint you this way? Because you want to be open to yourself and to the Universe! Mostly you want him to look up and really see you. You should be completely nude, you know that. But I get it. You don’t trust me completely. But you will! Do you realize you are saying, “Arthur, I am frightened to reveal my entire self to you, attired in these worn out mundane garments that I cannot cast off. Come my love, anoint my body with oils, restore me!”

What’s wrong with my underwear?

AURORA.

It’s underwear an accountant would choose. But at least it helps you keep track of the days of the week. You know, I am picking up so many mixed messages in this space. I see with fresh eyes what you cannot. This tape on the floor. A house divided! That must go!

Don’t touch the tape and nobody gets hurt! Artie will be real upset!

AURORA

Don’t you mean that you will be upset? This space needs a makeover, right now! It’s completely unbalanced! Someone here is very sad. The aura goes to black. Why didn’t I sense that? Look at this!

You can look, but you can’t touch!

But AURORA goes about the task of evening up the décor, moving Halloween decorations, pictures, knickknacks, etc., from ART’s half to JO’s.

AURORA

I couldn’t live in such a space. There has to be balance, there has to be harmony! Just like there has to be harmony between the three of us!

The three of us? I told you I’m blowing this pop stand, baby.

AURORA

We all need balance. The light and the dark, the hot and the cold. The old and the young. But not separate. Together! All you need is balance.

Tell me about it. I can hardly see straight. Thank God I can’t walk! Is Artie OK? He’s been gone a long, long, long time in those cute little bunny slippers. You should be up here, not me, cos I think he’s expecting a stripper.

AURORA

Honey, you don’t strip until your parents completely cut you off. You got a nice figure. Trust me, use it while you can. You realize I’ve been sent to save your marriage?

Artie sent you? Too bad for him he still loves me.

AURORA

No he didn’t send for me, the Cosmos sent me, just in time. It’s all part of The Plan. Like after a week, my sister spontaneously gave me Arthur’s cell. So Aurora called him to see if he had any room. My sister told me it would be better to just pretend I was a total stranger, not to use my birth name

Which is?

AURORA

Gladys.

Gladys? Gladys? That is such a funny name! Gladys.

AURORA

Anyway, we had this long conversation where his marriage was on the rocks.

Artie poured his heart out to a total stranger?

AURORA

It’s a skill. Arthur said there was no room at the inn, so I stayed with an old friend in the art business. But unfortunately something came up and so here I am, a little early!

What came up?

AURORA

His number.

He dead?

AURORA

Yes. It was quite beautiful. Sad, though. We were planning to make a life together. Alas, it was not to be. But then Arthur left me a message that there might be a vacancy. See? When one door opens, you jump out of the window!

Won’t Artie be surprised. What you doing?

AURORA

I bear gifts! You didn’t think I would come here empty handed, did you? Just some groceries. Oh, there’s the refrigerator! Lot’s of room in here for a vegan! You drank all the wine and we don’t seem to have much soymilk. I’ll just finish off this carton.

Don’t!

AURORA

Don’t worry it won’t change my preferences. Well. That was interesting. After you haven’t had it for a while you realize how bad it tasted all those years. But I must admit I’m not thirsty anymore. No gluten-free bread. We’ll have to remedy that, won’t we? But you do have tofu. Can’t deal with my fibro without it.

What’s that?

AURORA

A housewarming present. Go ahead. Open it.

With my teeth?

AURORA

I’ll do it.

It’s a painting!

AURORA

Let me show you.

It’s a nude. Close up! Extremely close up. There’s no face! I guess the artist ran out of canvas.

AURORA

It’s me! Here, on the back! See the certificate of authentication?

Lionel Hiltz? Never heard of him.

AURORA

He’s my gynecologist. I think I’m going to hang it right over there, on that wall. That way we will enjoy it every time we dine together! So you like it?

It’s sobering me up. I like paintings with entire people in them. And Art isn’t much of a lover.

AURORA

You poor thing!

No. What I meant to say, if I was perfectly sober, was “Art isn’t much of an art lover. Not the visual arts, anyway.”

AURORA

Look at his wall. Are you sure you are not talking about yourself?

I really need you to untie me.

AURORA

I can’t live here to save your marriage until you talk Arthur out of this horrible Treaty! It has to be a law like love.

But that’s so…vague.

AURORA

It’s not vague at all, it’s just clouded for you. But the Universe runs on the law of love and all will be revealed in time.

But Auntie, trust me, you need the Treaty to live with Artie. Otherwise it’s pure chaos!

AURORA

Call me a cab!

I’m afraid my hands are tied! See Artie Anywho, I originally said to Artie: Either you sign this Treaty, or I’m leaving! But now I’m leaving anyway. But my little Artie is cool with it. Couldn’t care less, now he’s got you.

AURORA

Here, let me fix that. Any man who would subject himself to the laws you established, would have to either be crazy, or in love with you, or crazy in love with you!

He would? You mean Artie?

AURORA

I doubt any other such person exists.

What rule don’t you like?

AURORA

Well, where do I begin? Let’s see: Oh yes: “said party cannot bring said date under said roof”! Love killer!

I am not a love killer!

AURORA

You two haven’t made love for at least a year.

That’s the woman’s fault?

AURORA

I’m sorry. I can see that you are hurt. My apologies.

Believe me, I’m not missing a thing!

AURORA

You’re angry, and afraid of what might happen if you ever did. Anger is negative energy. And I will not stay in a place saturated with negative energy!

Auntie, Artie blew all our dough! I went tits up! I can’t have a credit card! And he is in just as bad a shape! This condo is the only thing left! He needs your rent for income. Poor Artie!

AURORA

He doesn’t need my money. He doesn’t need your Treaty. He needs a law like love.

I loved Artie!

AURORA

Well that’s a start. Maybe your anger is actually a good sign. Perhaps the universe is signaling that your time of sadness is coming to an end!

Thanks for releasing me.

AURORA

You realize this is all symbolic. What you do now is completely up to you. Perhaps a fresh start.

Sorry I dissed your weird painting.

AURORA

What about this one? Fresh off the presses, so to speak.

Oh God!

AURORA

You don’t like it? It has an entire person in it this time. You.

Is that what you see? Really?

AURORA

Art captures the things that science misses.

I look like Whistler’s mother! I’m a dried up prune! Look at me! I look like an accountant!

BLACKOUT

ACT ONE SCENE THREE

AURORA and ART are in the living room. ART is nude except for a fig leaf, and bunny slippers. AURORA is painting his portrait.

ART

And all the time I was pouring my heart out to my Auntie Gladys.

AURORA

Glass of wine?

ART

No thank you. Where did you get the fig leaf? It seems…well used.

AURORA

It’s been part of my art kit as long as I can remember. I just pull it out whenever I have to. If it bothers you, don’t feel you have to use it. Believe me, I’m quite familiar with your genitalia.

ART

That makes you a member of a very small club.

AURORA

Why, I used to help your mother bathe you when you were just an infant. You’ve come a long way since then.

ART

Thank you. Leaf doesn’t bother me. I mean it chafes a little, but it’s a pleasant chafing. And it matches my slippers.

AURORA

You should have gone full monte. I sense you have trouble finishing what you start.

ART

Maybe if we weren’t related.

AURORA

The leaf is strictly for your benefit. I do not include it in the finished piece. I prefer my imagination run a little wild.

ART

I hope you have a big imagination.

AURORA

As big as yours? Your wife told me that you write plays. I didn’t sense that. The money and the desperation, yes. Apparently your main character always winds up in a Nursing Home, his face buried in his food.

ART

I try to work backwards from there, Auntie, but I get stuck every time!

AURORA

Nephew, you need to understand that that poor soul in all of your plays is you! You are stuck in the mush of your life!

ART

But in my latest version, he lifts his face out of it!

AURORA

That’s a good sign

ART

And he speaks!

AURORA

So must you, nephew, so must you! That’s the message the Cosmos is sending you! I seek balance Arthur. The male energy and the female energy. You have no balance. I should seek elsewhere. We have nothing in common!

ART

But when I agreed to let you paint me, you said we were kindred spirits. Jo would never consent to this in a million years! She would have to be falling down drunk! And I’m in complete violation of the Treaty just by being in this room! See, rebellion. That’s something we have in common!

AURORA

So you agree? The only law anyone needs is a law like love?

ART

“Law like love”. Did you know that’s the title of a poem By W.H. Auden?

AURORA

Oh. You know my work?

ART

I certainly know Auden. I wrote a paper on him as an undergrad, and he’s the subject of my play. See, we have Auden in common!

AURORA

So I’m the subject of your play?

ART

No Auntie. You’re a little mixed up. W. H. Auden is the subject of my play.

AURORA

But I was W.H. Auden!

ART

Like in a play?

AURORA

Like in a past life.

ART

Oh.

AURORA

Stay still! And no secret silly snickering on your part. Trust me, I’ll call you on it!

ART

I hate silly secret snickering. Something else we have in common.

AURORA

It’s not “silly secret snickering”, it’s “secret silly snickering”!

ART

Either way.

AURORA

I’ve had many past lives, and so have you.

ART

So we have that in common too?

AURORA

When you have achieved an advanced consciousness, you will begin to remember them. Myself, I seem to specialize in Presidents of the United States. My most recent past life was Jimmy Carter.

ART

He’s still alive.

AURORA

Really? That explains so much. Well, dead or alive, it’s much like being inside someone, looking out. I tend to be inside men. I haven’t been inside a woman for ages.

ART

That’s something else we have in common. OK, OK! Law like love. We’ll give it a try. I should tell Jo. Where is she, by the way?

AURORA

After she woke up she went shopping.

ART

She never goes shopping. She had a nap? She never takes a nap.

AURORA

I suggested it.

ART

What’s that?

AURORA

That’s my housewarming present. Do you like it?

ART

Why is it facing the wall? There, that’s better. Now that’s an unusual color for a cave. Where was it painted?

AURORA

The south of France.

ART

Really. That’s where we went on our honeymoon. We did a lot of exploring during those ten days, but I don’t remember this. The Cote D’Azure has become so commercialized. Something like that must be quite the tourist attraction now. Lots of visitors going in and out.

AURORA

It was very popular at one time. Not so much lately.

AURORA’S phone rings. She ignores it..

ART

Who was that?

AURORA

Just a friend of mine. An art dealer. I’ll get back to him.

ART

You read the rules about dates, right?

AURORA

Oh, I was under the impression we were under a law like love. If not, I’ll call him back for a pick up.

We hear the door bell.

ART

Why call him back when you could have just talked through the door?

AURORA

That’s not him. I’ll get it!

Enter JO peeking through some boxes. You can see she’s had some kind of glamour makeover.

Art?

ART

Jo?

BLACKOUT

ACT TWO SCENE ONE

JO and ART, fully dressed, are sitting at the dining room table.

You know it’s been a year since I last sat in here? That was when we came up with the Treaty.

ART

Jo?

Joint responsibility.

ART

Well, it ended the war between us.

But it started the cold war. Your Auntie tore down that wall this afternoon when she painted us.

ART

Cold war? Yeah. I was freezing in that fig leaf. I felt so small. Until you walked in.

Is that why you changed?

ART

You are the one who changed! Wow! Why?

Did you see my portrait?

ART

Way better than that cave painting. Some schmuck named Lionel Hiltz.

He’s her gynecologist.

ART

He should keep his day job.

You didn’t.

ART

You think I’m writing cave paintings?

She says she met Picasso. He did her portrait then he did her! Then he died a happy man.

ART

It’s possible, isn’t it? How old do you think she is?

She says she was eighteen when she was with Picasso. Picasso died in 1973 He was ninety-two years old. Do the math.

ART

She’s something! She actually intends to date some art dealer, drag him back here and make love to him!

No. He’s dead. She told me.

ART

If he’s not, he will be after she’s

through with him!

You said it! She meets these icons, stays for a week, and then they croak. I’m still your beneficiary, aren’t I?

ART

You were until I cashed it. What’s weird is having said all that, I kind of like her. She seems to understand.

Understand what?

ART

Me. Thing is, she won’t stay here unless you stay here too. She thinks she is saving our marriage. Is she?

I tried to tell her I’m leaving.

ART

Then there goes my tenant! So I was wondering…..

I told you, I paid up for the year! And that is a lot of money.

ART

Why did you do that?

So I would go through with it.

ART

If you go, she goes!

You made that bed, Art! So you can go lie in it.

ART

Fine. Speaking of which, Auntie is lying down in your bed. Napping also. Probably resting up for her tryst. And, while you were out she deliberately moved all your stuff into my bedroom. Looks like she wants us to share tonight.

I won’t be home.

ART

Right. You’ll be taking a position as a missionary with Bernard.

I have not. Yet.

ART

You know, you are out of practice. Maybe we should withdraw to my room and let Nature take its course.

Nature failed that course and there are no make-ups.

ART

Stay for just a while and I’ll figure something out. She’s my income, Jo. Help me out here! At least until I can replace her.

Step away from the World of Art for once. I won’t be home tonight and I am leaving tomorrow.

There is a silence.

You really didn’t recognize me just now?

ART

No. I did not. Not right away. And that dress!

Do you like it? It’s my version of what a fashionable woman might wear in Paris in 1936. There’s a class Halloween party at Bernard’s place tonight.

ART

Bernard.

Bernard. Ironically the theme is the World of Art. So people are going as famous painters, dancers, sculptors. So this is my costume. I’m going as Dora Maar.

ART

Who?

Dora Maar. She was Pablo Picasso’s mistress for almost nine years. It was all your Auntie’s idea, after I told her that Bernard is going as Picasso.

ART

So the party of the first part is going to a party.

It’s different. Everyone has to stay in character the whole night. You have to live, breath and be that person.

ART

So what happens if Picasso hits on you tonight? Does history repeat itself?

She wasn’t just some tramp! Your Auntie told me all about her. Dora Maar was a famous photographer in her own right before she ever met Picasso! I told Aurora I didn’t have the confidence to pull it off. Especially after I saw myself in that portrait!

ART

That witch cast a spell on you! She accomplished in one afternoon what I should have been trying to do these last three years!

What? Get me out of my clothes or get yourself out of your pajamas?

ART

Bernard should be so successful! By the way, you can’t bring him back here! It completely violates the Treaty!

You just don’t get it! Look, you’ll meet Bernard for yourself, tomorrow morning. He’s helping me move out.

ART

How nice of him!

Enter AURORA. Disheveled

Your disharmony has awoken me. What on earth is the matter?

Art doesn’t want me to go to a Halloween party!

ART

Not tonight.

AURORA

What better night? Why aren’t you going with her?

ART

I’m not invited.

AURORA

Then don’t go. I was hoping you and I could conduct a séance tonight, anyway. Contact W.H. Auden. Of course. I would be basically talking to myself.

ART

But then she’ll be all by herself! Look at her, she’s gorgeous! I don’t want some stranger hitting on my wife!

I can take care of myself!

ART

If only there was somebody who could go with her. Like a chaperone!

I don’t need a chaperone!

AURORA

I’ll go!

ART

Would you?

But Auntie it’s a costume party!

AURORA

Oh dear!

ART

Go as you are!

AURORA

Dressed like this? Who would I be going as?

ART

The Witch of Endor?

That won’t work!

ART

Why not?

You have to go as someone from the world of art. Bernard will be there as Pablo Picasso. And we have to be in character all evening! With a bunch of undergrads from class. I’ll be easily the oldest one there.

ART

Except for Bernard. Couldn’t she go as one of Picasso’s mistresses?

AURORA

You flatter me! They were all young, young. But I could go as Olga Khokhlova!

Who?

AURORA

Olga! His first wife. I’d rather not be Eva, because she died of TB while Picasso was having an affair with Gaby. Definitely not Marie-Therese, because she hung herself! And certainly not Jacqueline, because she shot herself! Talk about bad auras! So Olga it is!

What happened to me?

AURORA

That is the question only you can answer. Now where are our coats?

I mean what happened to my character – Dora Maar?

AURORA

Nothing. She just passed penniless and alone.

ART

See what I mean? All this doesn’t reflect very well on Pablo, does it? Olga, you will look after Dora, here, won’t you? Bring her back to me, safe and sound?

AURORA

Picasso won’t touch a hair on your lovely wife’s head once he sees me again! I’ll see to that!

It’s just a Halloween party with a bunch of kids, What can go wrong?

BLACKOUT

ACT TWO SCENE TWO

It is the middle of the night in the condo. the silence is broken by the buzzer and the pounding on the door.

VOICE

Let me in lover! Let me in! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! Please forgive me!

ART, fully dressed, comes out of his bedroom and opens the door. We see VITO, a middle aged man, also dressed to the nines.

ART

I forgive you. Trick or treat? You decide.

VITO

Aren’t I supposed to say that?

ART

Go ahead.

VITO

No way. I don’t believe in Halloween. It’s not in the Bible. You know what else isn’t in the Bible? Vegetarianism!

ART

You must be Aurora’s friend.

VITO

You mean Gladys? Where’s her bedroom?

ART

You better sit down. She’s out at the moment.

VITO

We had a rendezvous! Then she cancelled on me. Where is she?

ART

Halloween party.

VITO

The whole Halloween thing should be banned!.

ART

You think?

VITO

I tried to tell the Warden that. But did he listen?

ART

I’m guessing not.

VITO

They shouldn’t have Halloween in the Joint.

ART

Is this from the perspective of a prison guard?

VITO

No. I say that in the spirit of full disclosure. However, I’m not the man I was.

ART

Who is? I admit I never gave Halloween in prison much thought.

VITO

We don’t dress up.

ART

I guess not.

VITO

It’s the “trick or treat” thing that’s the worst part, When you said that? Kinda sent me down memory lane, there.

ART

Sorry. If it’s any comfort, I have been in a cell for three years myself.

VITO

Then you know what I’m talking.

ART

You had a fight with Aurora?

VITO

Gladys! Then, when we calmed down, I had to mention the whole vegetarian thing! You try eating that tofu stuff for a week! We had better food in the slammer. Did you know Adam and Eve were vegetarians? It’s right there in the Bible!

ART

What about the loaves and the fishes?

VITO

That’s what I said!

ART

You’re having a picnic with a bunch of people, But you have no food. Your friends are all fisherman and you are staying by a lake. Why bother with a miracle? Save it for when you really need it!

VITO

That’s what I told her!

ART

Like when you are drowning in your porridge.

VITO

I never told her that. But she said that they never bothered to fish because Jesus was a vegetarian and they gave everybody at the picnic seaweed instead!

ART

She’s nuts!

VITO

Watch what you say about my girl!

ART

Sorry.

VITO

What have you done with her? Talk!

ART

Told you. She’s at a Halloween party with my wife! They should be back any minute!

VITO

You lying to me?

ART

Can’t you see I’m waiting up? It’s two in the morning and I’m still dressed! Back off!

VITO

Sorry. I just got out a week ago, so, you know. Old habits.

ART

Why…..?

VITO

Forgery. I’m an Old Master at it, so to speak.

ART

So you are the art dealer. Tell me. This painting. Is it a Picasso?

VITO

Why bring that up again? That’s why she left me! You actually believe that story? Are you stupid?

ART

Apparently. So what are you doing here?

VITO

Nothing much till she gets back. You do three years in the joint, you realize that you got to make the most of life.

ART

Right.

VITO

Cause it can all go away.

ART

Yes it can.

VITO

But I gotta history to make life more difficult for myself, like it’s not difficult enough already.

ART

I hear you, brother.

VITO

Like, Gladys who I ain’t seen since I was in high school, walks into the room. It’s a life drawing class, and I’m posing, see, just trying to make a few honest bucks straight out of prison. I got my back to her but of course she recognizes me. I guess you could say I’m hard to forget that way. So I says to her, “I loved you as Gladys way before you ran away from home. Now, forty years later, you are Aurora? What’s your last name? Borealis?” But guess what? There is no last name. And she wanted me to have a one-word name too. She wanted to call me “Rainbow”! I said, “To hell with that, my name is Vito!” Then she says, “Vito is dead to me!”, which is not the first time I’ve ever heard those words, but I have to admit they stung a little, just the same. That was the last straw for her, over a name. I tried to make it up to her. Drove her over here, dropped her off, intimidated your doorman. No “thank you”. Nothing. Why couldn’t I have just gone along? It’s the same as when we were kids. I loved her, but she had places to go, people to meet..

ART

That reminds me. Something I have been thinking a lot about lately is a poem called “The More Loving One”

VITO

That’s by W.H. Auden.

ART

You know it?

VITO

We had a poetry club in the slammer.

ART

Get out!

VITO

It was a minimum security facility. Anyway, I remember we had a big discussion about one particular line, you know what I’m talking?

ART

“If equal affection cannot be / Let the more loving one be me.”

VITO

That’s the one! We discussed it and we all agreed. In a relationship, it’s never equal. Like, I love Gladys more than she will ever love me. It’s never fifty-fifty. But you gotta accept that. You gotta work with that. Capiche? I can’t tell you the number of times I had to explain that to my cell-mate.

ART

I believe that. I’m a playwright? But Jo wants me to go back to law.

VITO

A playwright? Back when I was incarcerated, if you were, like, a model prisoner, which I was, they used to take us out to the theatre district. You know, we lived for those field trips! They would get cheap tickets for some

play that stunk so bad they couldn’t give them away. Know what I mean? They thought they were torturing us. Well, one night we’re watching this musical, Tastes Like Chicken. Hey! You got the poster! You do time too?

ART

Three years, less a day.

VITO

Then you know it’s all about this guy who likes to kill people, and then he eats them!

ART

Jeffery Dahmer.

VITO

That’s the guy! I mean there are so many quicker ways of getting rid of a body, but to each his own. Capiche? People were leaving left and right, but that play was the best one we ever seen! That prison scene at the end, when he’s eating breakfast and somebody shivs him and he dies face down in his cereal, and then they sing that song about Captain Crunch? That was so real to us! We would have given it a standing ovation, but that’s hard to do when you’re all chained together. I had tears in my eyes! Reminded me so much of how my godfather went. Face down in his wedding soup!

ART

He drowned?

VITO

Nope. You know it’s never good when you see the phrase “in a hail of bullets” in your obituary. I worshipped that man. But it’s like nobody wants to know him now. I mean, if some cannibal gets to be remembered, why can’t my godfather?

ART

Was your godfather a poet by any chance?

VITO

Not really. He was more like a Sicilian rapper. Like, he would make up rhymes right on the spot: “ Make sure Rico’s really dead/Put a bullet in his head.” Stuff like that.

ART

That’s a guy you could really write a musical about. The problem is getting the money to float it.

VITO

That’s not the problem. There’s plenty of guys with deep pockets that feel the way I do. The problem is finding someone who can write it. There aren’t too many of those guys! Hey! What about you? You do it! Here, take this!

ART

All this cash?

VITO

It’s OK. It’s in unmarked bills. Consider it an advance. But back out, and you could wind up floating in a sea of Lucky Charms. Capiche?

ART

OK, OK! You don’t have to twist my arm.. I practically have it written!

Enter JO and AURORA, both looking like they have been in a fight. Clothing much the worse for wear. AURORA has her arm in a sling.

VITO

Aurora! What did she do to you!

ART

She didn’t do anything, idiot!

Will you two calm down! We have had enough drama for one night. Who are you, anyway?

VITO

They call me Rainbow.

ART

What drama?

AURORA

First of all, we have no trouble finding Picasso’s duplex.

VITO

Picasso?

AURORA

Dora’s teacher

VITO

Dora?

ART

Jo’s teacher.

Vito

No. She said, “Dora’s teacher. Who is Jo?

I am.

AURORA

We tour the duplex. His side is beautifully decorated, walls covered with art. All of his mistresses are there! Ferdinande, Eva, myself, you, Francoise, Genevieve, and Jacquelin. Eight of us altogether! You wouldn’t believe the auras!

You wouldn’t believe the backbiting! The jealousy! At one point it dawned on me that nobody there was taller than Bernard.

AURORA

And Picasso was only five foot four.

VITO

Bernard?

Picasso.

VITO

Not the five foot four guy.

No. Bernard is a little taller, so he had to keep hunching down. And he made the girls take off their heels.

VITO

What about the guys?

There were no guys.

AURORA

Except for Picasso. We were the last to arrive. That was when he announced that there were only two types of women – doormats or goddesses!

He made us play this weird game where we had to state which type we were, and explain why to everybody.

AURORA

Then Pablo would tell us which we really were.

Me and Olga both turned out to be doormats. Too old I guess.

VITO

Olga?

Auntie Gladys

VITO

Aurora!

ART

You were doormats? Is this guy blind?

AURORA

He was just jealous. I was a great ballerina. Dora was a great photographer. The other five? They were the real doormats!

You forgot a mistress there. Marie-Therese. The love of his life!

AURORA

She was not the love of his life!

Well she said she was. And Bernard said she was a goddess!

AURORA

She was only seventeen years old when they hooked up!

VITO

Bernard hooked up with a seventeen-year-old?

No. Picasso!

AURORA

Genevieve, was seventeen too, but at least she was sober. Not like Marie-Therese!

ART.

Bernard was hitting on drunk under-aged girls and not you?

Then Marie-Thérèse looks at me, turns to him and says: “Make up your mind. Which one of us goes?” Picasso told us we would have to fight it out for ourselves. So she challenged me to wrestle! I was not about to kick some drunk undergrad’s butt!

AURORA

But you did!

She had it coming! Then she runs to Daddy!

VITO

Daddy?

ART

Picasso

Bernard.

AURORA

He was all over her! I just couldn’t stand it!

Especially when he put his hands on her!

VITO

On her what?

I said right to his face,” As an artist you may be extraordinary, but morally speaking you are worthless.” Then when I tried to intervene, he put his hands on me!

AURORA

And her, a married woman! I had to restore the harmony. That’s how my arm got wrecked.

We spent the rest of the night in Emergency. I don’t ever want to see Bernard’s bald head again! I dread the thought!

AURORA

You don’t have to ever see him again!

Yes I do. Picasso is my landlord! And I’m paid up a year in advance.

ART

Why didn’t you tell me?

What? Tell you he was hitting on a mouse so that he could rent out his duplex to me?

AURORA

You are no mouse. He’s a rat! Rainbow, we must shine.

VITO

Your place or mine?

But Auntie, Art can’t survive financially without you.

VITO

Look, Art, just sell that painting Gladys gave you.

ART

Vito! You told me! It’s not a Picasso!

Vito?

AURORA

Rainbow. The Picasso belongs to both of you, to do with as you will.

VITO

It’s not a Picasso! Hiltz was his name, gynecology was his game! Painting was his hobby. It wasn’t until after he retired that his work became popular, especially after he started posting them on Facebook. “The Guess Who? Collection”. He is one of the hottest guys in art right now.

That painting belongs to you, Auntie.

AURORA

I have two more stashed away. I guess you could say I was Lionel’s muse.

ART

Well I’m seeing a pretty pedestrian painting of a pink cave

VITO

Get closer!

ART

Doesn’t look familiar.

VITO

It does to me! You know what that really is?

ART

What?

VITO

Two hundred and fifty grand! Easy! I got clients who collect his work just to get it out of circulation! Your financial problems are over! Now you and Dora-

Jo.

VITO

Whatever. You two can stay together right here, like before. Now you got money!

Not like before. You need to go back to work, Art. Stop the foolishness.

VITO

Sure you love her more than she loves you. I could tell that the first five minutes I laid eyes on her. But we discussed that, remember?

ART

Jo, I’ve been commissioned to write a play about Rainbow’s godfather! I’m a real writer. Look at all this! My advance!

Is this true?

AURORA

Where am I supposed to live?.

VITO

Simple! Jo sublets Picasso’s duplex to you. That way she ain’t out any dough, no evil dwarf landlord, and we got some place to be together! Hang up your pictures.

Don’t forget to take away the one you did of me. It’s horrible. Where is it anyway?

ART

On my bedroom wall.

Why?

ART

I guess I wanted to wake up to you. Where’s mine?

AURORA

Ask your wife. Rainbow, Picasso! He throws out the balance!

VITO

That creep Bernard is not gonna want to come near you with me on the scene, trust me! I got balance in spades! And if it was him hurt your arm, he’s gonna wind up with his head in his corn flakes! Capiche? By the way, Aurora. Is our rendezvous back on?

Why wouldn’t it be? Everyone deserves a second chance. Coming, Art? We’ve got a portrait to wake up to!

ART

Aurora prepared you two a room especially.

VITO

She only got one arm.

AURORA

That’s a problem? You do remember our high school biology class?

VITO

Then say goodnight, my Venus De Milo!

AURORA

Good night.

CURTAIN

THE WORLD OF ART

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