Jason Dark has every reason to end it all. His latest play, Last Moments, has just been rejected, his mother is the Nursing Home Ho, he hasn’t slept in a bed since his father tried to smother him, nor has he been able to make love successfully with his therapist fiance. But a bolt of lightning changes all that! Will love prevail or will they all be toast? (5M 4F)
The setting is the porch at Happy Valley Nursing Home. It’s a sultry August morning. Thunder can be heard in the background. Jason, a short thin man in his early forties is wheeling his eighty year old mother over to the overhang.
JASON
I’ve decided to kill myself!
MA
We all want to fulfill ourselves, son. I
JASON
Read my lips, Ma! Dead man walking!
MA
I love talking, too. Especially to you. I don’t know what I’d do if anything were to happen to you. Probably kill myself.
JASON
Get out of the wheelchair!
MA
Sure, I can push you for a while. How’s the writing going?
JASON
Terrible! Last Moments just got rejected, Again!
MA
If your father were here he’d be slapping you on the back and telling you it’s always darkest before the dawning.
JASON
Ma! If Dad was here he’d be stabbing me in the back and telling me to say my prayers.
MA
Jason, why are you such a pessimist?
JASON
Could it be because Dad died in prison? After he tried to smother me in the crib?
MA
Never mind all that. Last Moments. Which one is that?
JASON
The musical tragedy about the Inuit girl adopted by a white middle class family. If you can push me off these stairs, I should have enough momentum to reach the ravine.
MA
Why tragedy? Doesn’t she lead her class at Harvard Medical School and discover a cure for anthrax?
JASON
Ma, she was removed from her culture! I thought the play was right up their alley Original.. An oppressed minority voice. Maybe it was all the throat singing.
MA
Don’t forget, when I croak you have a nice inheritance coming your way!
JASON
Not if I was to die before you. C’mon. push!
MA
Not if you were to die before me.
JASON
Didn’t I just say that? Push!
MA
You don’t get it.
JASON
Of course I don’t! How could I when I’m dead?
MA
If you were to die before me. You still don’t get it.
JASON
Isn’t that what you just finished telling me? Just one little shove!
MA
Jason, it’s a point of grammar. You should say “If I were to die” It’s called the subjunctive mood.. Involving wishes.
JASON
Really? Then I wish you would push me off these stairs!
MA
Then I’d still be here. But with a broken heart.
JASON
You win. Get back in the chair.
She smiles
Say, are those your teeth? They’re kind of sliding around in there.
MA
Oh it’s probably Helga. Sometimes she gathers up all the false teeth on the night stands and then redistributes them.
JASON
Can’t they put her in the Nursing Home section? She’s obviously a few bicuspids short of a crown.
MA
Jason, Helga works here. Could you put my hearing aid in, son? Oh my, that’s better. When I hear your voice my spirits soar. Speaking of which, did you hear the one about the Irishman, the American and the Canadian in darkest Africa?
JASON
Isn’t “dark” in this context a little pejorative?
MA
Anyway they get captured by this tribe of head hunters.
JASON
Well that does give the natives some credit, although the passive construction undermines it somewhat.
MA
So the Chief, she says to them, “Traditionally we eat your brains, drink your blood, and then use your skins for our canoes.”
JASON
So the Chief’s a woman? That’s refreshing.
MA
But she’s topless. Whatever a man can do, she does too.
JASON
Hence the stereotypical interest in mealtime and domestic transportation. And tanning.
MA
Chief says “But I’m going to let you take the easy way out”, and on the table in front of them, she lays out a gun, a knife, and a fork.
JASON
The Chief sounds educated.
MA
She graduated from Oxford. Anthropology and Home Economics She’s actually appalled at all this, but realizes how important a role tradition plays in tribal societies.
JASON
It’s so difficult to overcome cultural norms.
MA
So the American grabs the pistol, blows his brains out , and as he is dying says, “Ha, at least you won’t be able to eat my brain!
JASON
Wouldn’t he be dead already?
MA
The Canadian grabs the knife, slits his throat and says: “Ha Ha! At least you won’t be able to drink my blood”, and bleeds to death.
JASON
Why didn’t he just pick up the revolver and shoot himself?
MA
It only had one bullet, OK?. The Irishman grabs the fork-
JASON
Why…?
MA
The knife was dull! OK? And forks himself all over his body breaking the skin repeatedly.
JASON
Well at least they couldn’t use his body to make their canoe.
There is a silence
MA
Good for you, son. You guessed the punch line. Listen, Jason, with a little twist, your…..idea might help you get Last Moments produced.
JASON
I picked it up from that old movie you gave me at Xmas
MA
Yes, “Kiss of Death “with Richard Widmark! He pushes the old lady in the wheelchair to her death down a flight of stairs. You forget I ushered at the Roxy as a young woman.
JASON
See? You had a career, a future, and I ruined it for you. By being born. Push me first!
MA
No, son! That would be unnatural, to have your son go first! My affairs are in order, let me go! They haven’t made any good movies since “The Killers”, anyway. Burt Lancaster was in that. What a body! Push me!
JASON
Don’t talk like that. Ma. Money can’t make me happy.
MA
Well why don’t you let it twist your arm?
JASON
Look Ma, let’s forget it, OK? It’s going to pour.
Thunder
MA
OK, son. What a beautiful day!
Thunder, lightning
JASON
They’re calling for a torrential downpour. This place could get swept away. Not that that would be a bad thing. Compared to this joint, the Bates Motel was a spa!
Sound of thunder
Maybe we should go back inside. The lightning is kinda scary.
MA
It’s just a little sprinkle. Good for the flowers. You forget: the chair has rubber tires. Besides, I want to feel the rain.
JASON
Just to the edge then.
MA
Oh all right. Hold my hand.
JASON
Ma. How am I supposed to push this thing and hold your……..
There is a crack of thunder, a huge flash of lightning and JASON is thrown to the ground. Smoke issues from the tires in the wheelchair. There is a moment of silence then enter JEAN in a nurses uniform running to the wheelchair. She trips over JASON’s inert body and goes sprawling. She regroups gets up, and makes it over to MA. MA is unconscious.
JEAN
Mrs. Dark! Mrs. Dark! Oh my God!
She takes her pulse .and wheels MA into the Home. Meanwhile JASON is still unconscious. JEAN comes running back, assesses the situation and on her haunches, immediately starts mouth to mouth.
JEAN
In between puffs
C’mon breathe, damn it!
Jason starts to twitch and slowly comes to
JASON
Where am I?
JEAN
So people actually say that!
JASON
Say what?
JEAN
I said “C’mon breathe damn it” when I was giving you mouth to mouth.
JASON
You were giving me mouth to mouth?
JEAN
Talk about your movie cliché.
JASON
Boy, the cat was really on the roof that time!
JEAN
Here, let me take your pulse. What were you saying?
JASON
It’s a joke: A woman goes away on vacation, leaving her husband and
son behind.
JEAN
Why?
JASON
Why what?
JEAN
Why did she leave her husband and son behind?
JASON
I don’t know. It’s a joke.
JEAN
Oh.
JASON
So she calls her son up as soon as she reaches Florida.
JEAN
Why doesn’t she want to talk to her husband?
JASON
She suspected him of trying to murder her son! Ever since he was a
baby.
JEAN
That’s terrible. You know, your pulse quickened when you said that.
JASON
So she says to her son “How are things?”
JEAN
I’m surprised she would stay with her husband. Of course she was probably being abused too. Women like that are afraid to leave.
JASON
And her son says Ma, the cat died.
JEAN
You never told me they had a cat!.
JASON
Well they did! Anyway, mother says, “ Son you almost gave me a heart attack”
JEAN
Was that what he was trying to do?
JASON
No! Pause So the mother says, “son, the next time you have bad news for me, you must break it to me gently” You see, she had a heart condition.
JEAN
I’m not surprised with all the male violence in that house!
JASON
She says ”What you should have said is “the cat is stuck on the roof” then when we talk tomorrow you would say, “ the cat looks like he is going to jump”. And the day after that you tell me, “I’m sorry, but the cat jumped and broke his neck”. That way I would be prepared for the cat’s death.
JEAN
You know, I think that is very sensible advice.
JASON
So the mother says , ”Do you have any other news for me son?” And the son replies: “Dad is on the roof.” Pause
JEAN
Why was the Dad on the roof? Was he chasing the cat?
JASON
Don’t you get it? Her husband had died and the son was trying to break it to her gently!
JEAN
But wouldn’t she be happy that her abusive husband was dead?
JASON
What?
JEAN
Then the cycle of abuse would have been broken.
JASON
God. How did we get here?
JEAN
Do you suppose her husband killed the cat? Studies show that quite often men who abuse their wives abuse family pets also.
JASON
No! Fortunately the cat was hit by lightning.
JEAN
Like you.
JASON
What?
JEAN
You were hit by lightning. Just now. Right here.
JASON
I was?
JEAN
You were out cold.
JASON
That’s why you were kissing me!
JEAN
I was not kissing you! That was oral resuscitation.
JASON
Call it what you will. Pause If you don’t mind me saying so, you seem a little shaky with regard to men.
JEAN
Given the present patriarchy what do you expect?
JASON
Oh, you took Women’s Studies at University. We have something in common!
Jane:
You did too?
JASON
On a purely informal basis. I can still remember many of the women I studied
Remembering
Oh my God, my mother!
JEAN
She’s inside.
JASON
Is she…….??
JEAN
Yes, she’s a vegetarian. You should know that, of all people.
JASON
Is she all right?
JEAN
She’s unconscious, but her vital signs are good. Better than yours actually.
JASON
Thank God.
JEAN
I wouldn’t be thanking Her just yet. You’re still in shock. You could have a relapse any minute.
JASON
I don’t want to die! Look Ma! Top of the world!
JEAN
What?
JASON
Oh, that’s just something James Cagney says before he kills himself at the end of “Little Caesar.” Or was that Edward G Robinson? In “Public Enemy ”?
JEAN
How would you ever come to know that?
JASON
My God you’re right. I’ve never seen “Little Caesar” At least I don’t think I have.
JEAN
Well who has?
JASON
My mother. Pause How did you know I was in shock?
JEAN
You were babbling. Some story about a man on a roof.
JASON
My God! That was a joke!. I told a joke!
JEAN
Well it wasn’t very funny. A man died.
JASON
I never tell jokes.
JEAN
And so did a cat.
JASON
I haven’t told a joke in years.
JEAN
Your mother told the same story last week. Only she was much funnier.
JASON
My mother told that story?
JEAN
Last week. I mean I don’t see the point. Unless you are amused by dead household pets. But Mr. Bright? He was in stitches!
JASON
Mr Bright.
JEAN
Literally. He fell right out of your mother’s bed. Bang. Five stitches in the head.
JASON
Bang?
JEAN
Bang! You should have seen him writhing around. Then he falls out of bed.
JASON
My mother sleeps with men?
JEAN
Look, the sun’s coming out.
JASON
My mother sleeps with the men in here?
JEAN
Every night. He’s not the first.
JASON
He’s not?
JEAN
He’s the fifth.
JASON
The fifth.
JEAN
Or maybe it’s the sixth she’s sent to the infirmary. I’ve lost track. She’s been sleeping with Buck for a long time now. Ever since he came here.
JASON
My mother sleeps with a man named “Buck”?
JEAN
He’s a centenarian.
JASON
She’s a Catholic. It’s not going to work!
JEAN
He’s a hundred years old!
JASON
And that’s another reason. Pause My mother sleeps with a hundred year old man named Buck?
JEAN
Buck Bright. He’s a white man, not that it matters, but you see , for some reason he believes that he is black.
JASON
Cut him some slack! He’s a hundred years old!
JEAN
Anyway, I’m fond of your mother.
JASON
Apparently you’re not alone.
JEAN
She’s so happy here.
JASON
Wouldn’t you be if some hundred year old man was curling your toes? Pause OK, maybe not.
JEAN
Curling my toes?
JASON
It’s an expression, OK?
JEAN
My toes are perfectly straight.
JASON
Distracted Like the rest of you.
JEAN
Except the second one.
JASON
And she told that very joke last week?
JEAN
That story? She tells it all the time. And it never fails to send some man to the infirmary.
JASON
Never fails. So is that why you didn’t laugh? You’ve heard that joke a million times?
JEAN
No. But what I’m telling you seems all new to you.
JASON
I’m afraid I don’t visit Ma very often. I’m a very successful playwright. But my therapist tells me I should avoid depressing situations. She almost fell out of rug when I told her I was coming here.
JEAN
Fell out of rug?
JASON
It’s an expression. Like “fell out of bed”.
JEAN
Why don’t you just say ”fell out of bed”?
JASON
Well, I don’t sleep in a bed. I sleep in a rug. Carpet!
JEAN
What? All rolled up?
JASON
OK, on a rug.
JEAN
Why on earth do you sleep on a rug instead of in a bed?
JASON
If you don’t mind, I’d rather not tell you.
JEAN
Oh, you men with your intimacy issues!
JASON
It has to do with when I was a little baby. Something happened. It left me a little claustrophobic.
OK?
JEAN
What happened?
JASON
My father.
JEAN
What? He tucked you in a little bit too tight?
JASON
He tried to smother me to death. In my crib. Died in prison.
JEAN
Oh, you poor baby!
JASON
I think that’s why I haven’t grown to be as tall as most men. I’m trying to conserve space.
JEAN
It’s quite understandable.
There is a silence
You are sleeping with your therapist? Don’t you think it’s little unprofessional of her?
JASON
Oh we never have sex. I’m too depressed!
JEAN
Neither have I. I’m too repressed. And me a nurse. Go figure!
JASON
I don’t think we are missing that much, to be honest. That’s what I tell Val.
JEAN
Your therapist is named Dr. Val? Is she on TV?
JASON
You would like her. She’s so. ……Of course. Oh my God!
JEAN
What is it?
JASON
I’m my mother!
JEAN
Your mother is resting in the infirmary.
JASON
No! Don’t you see? The jokes, the movie references. That’s my mother. That’s not me. I’m clinically depressed, but I never felt better in my life.
JEAN
Make up your mind!
JASON
She was holding my hand when the lightning struck us. Somehow her personality got transferred into me.
JEAN
Sounds like an improvement.
JASON
But nature abhors a vacuum.
JEAN
Who doesn’t? Noisy things!
JASON
Don’t you see? If I got hers, then she got mine in return! Mine. She’s now an eighty year old depressive in a depressing environment.! Tell me: are there any sharp objects in the infirmary?
JEAN
Just scalpels.
JASON
God, no!
He faints. Jean picks him up and carries him into the Home.
ACT ONE SCENE TWO.
The scene is the interior of the Infirmary. We see a large poster for The Last Gasp Foundation on the wall. Upstage, there are three beds facing us. In the first bed, up left, is BUCK, lying on his back, asleep. In the bed up right is the form of a person, Mr. HELLER, encased in a body cast, with holes for eyes and nose. An IV drip is suspended above him, and a catheter below him. He remains motionless and soundless. He is hooked up to some kind of machine that makes random beeps. Sitting at a table is Dr. FORBES, a stocky man with a mustache and wire glasses. He sports a cultured English accent and the white coat of a physician. Sitting across from him is the CHIEF of Police, a large overweight man, about the same age as FORBES. Deafening crack of thunder and lightning bolt.
CHIEF
Boy, that was a close one! Pouring out there! Woulda got here sooner but the copter crashed. We were hit by lightning, evacuating some plain clothes officers from a golf course. But we’ll get another one!
FORBES
Helicopter?
CHIEF
Two hundred thousand smackers. Luckily we will be able to raise the money on our upcoming Community Crime Telethon. Everybody who contributes gets an “I support the Police” sticker for their car.
FORBES
Does the helicopter reduce crime?
CHIEF
What do you think? We used it mostly to nail speeders. Except for the ones with stickers. People liked to see it up there. Made ‘em feel good. And the boys loved to drive it. If it took just one more officer off the street, then I felt I’d done my job. Can’t stay long. Got to get me down to the elementary school. Talk to the grade twos. Gonna show them a milk carton and tell the story of how little Jimmy got stole away from his mother and was never seen again. Then we’ll take their fingerprints.
FORBES
What have they been doing? Stealing library books?
CHIEF
No, no. I explain to them that we need their prints for when they get stolen from their mommies and we have to identify their beaten little bodies.
FORBES
Doesn’t that frighten them?
CHIEF
That is the whole point! Do you think we tell them that the chances of them getting abducted are about the same as somebody being struck by lightning? Most abductions are the product of custody battles.
FORBES
I didn’t know that.CHIEF
You can’t start too young. These kids don’t watch those crime shows. They’re watching that Dora the Explorer. We got to take their childhood away and get them thinking crime, just like their parents. Of course getting the parents to go along with the fingerprinting and all is a breeze.
FORBES
Of course.
CHIEF
You know, during my administration, not one donut shop has ever been robbed.
FORBES
Fancy that. So you solve most of your crimes?
CHIEF
Are you kidding? Hell if we didn’t have the Snitch Line, we wouldn’t solve any.
FORBES
Yes, people phone in about a crime and get a reward, immunity and anonymity if they help solve it.
CHIEF
Winks So they think! Hell they usually tell us who did it! Those ex cons are a jealous bunch.
FORBES
But still, you play your part.
CHIEF
Well, having Call Display helps. That way we get the informant as well. Then they squeal on each other. Can’t reward a felon so we put the reward into the Officer’s Benevolent Fund.
FORBES
Sweet!
CHIEF
That reminds me. Somebody phoned the Snitch Line on you!
FORBES
About what?
CHIEF
Some woman called in to say that you kidnapped some feller
Heller’s machine starts to react, becoming increasingly wild.
FORBES
Some feller?
CHIEF
Named Eller
FORBES
I kidnapped a feller named Eller? Pause Can you spell that?
CHIEF
No I can’t. But I know it starts with the first letter they show you on the eye charts.
FORBES
That’s an E. What does he look like?
CHIEF
Looking around
I don’t know. Sorta the same size as that poor chump in the plaster tuxedo.
Heller’s machine goes into overdrive
Hey, what’s going on here? I can hardly hear myself think.
Unplugs Heller
That’s better.
FORBES
What a relief! Chief why would I kidnap somebody? It makes no sense.
CHIEF
We do get a lot of nut bars phoning in, Doc. We checked it out. This guy does happen to be missing. Works for the Health Department. Checks out nursing homes.
FORBES
Well he hasn’t been around here.
CHIEF
Tell me about it. Pause Anyway, I thought I’d give you a heads up. Someone’s got it in for
you.
FORBES
But who?
CHIEF
The call came in from here.
FORBES
We don’t allow clients phones.
CHIEF
Must be an employee then.
FORBES
Yes but who?
CHIEF
Beats me. Well, gotta go see them sweet little seven- year- olds.
FORBES
I’d walk you to your car in this downpour, but I see my next appointment is arriving.
Enter VALERIE, a chic thing in her mid thirties, but drenched.
CHIEF
Why, you’re soaked, little lady. I can see right through your blouse!
Exit CHIEF
VAL
What a moron! I came as soon as you called! Then I got in the car and drove over. Are you certain I can’t see him Dr. Forbes?
FORBES
I’m sorry, Ms. Green-
VAL
Doctor Green. I think I told you, doctor, that in addition to being Mr. Dark’s fiancée, I’m also his psychotherapist. And I’m very concerned about his mental health, much more than that job opportunity you mentioned.
FORBES
Ph.D?
VAL
U of T and of course MD
FORBES
MD?
VAL
‘03.
FORBES
PhD and MD at U of T in ‘03? We must have been classmates. Tell me, why did you specialize in Psychiatry?
At this point, enter Helga, a voluptuous Swede dressed in the classic French maid’s outfit complete with garter belt stockings and stilettos. She is wheeling a tray with a feather duster, massage oil and towels
VAL
To make a quick-
HELGA
Buck!
VAL
-start on my career. The other reason, of course was the sacred-
HELGA
Buck!
VAL
-duty of caring for the mentally fragile.
HELGA
Time for rubby-dubby!
FORBES
What is it Helga?
HELGA
Buck sleep. No peep.
FORBES
We’re trying to have a conversation here.
HELGA
Mrs Dark still in dark?
FORBES
Still in a coma, yes.
HELGA
Mr Dark has mark.
FORBES
From where he was hit by the lightning. I know all about it.
HELGA
We need ark!
FORBES
Yes, it’s a bad storm. Now leave us be!
HELGA
No rubby-dubby for you!
She exits hissing at VAL.
FORBES
You’ll have to excuse Helga. A simple soul.
VAL
Where on earth did you get her? She’s right out of “Night Shift Nurses Three”
FORBES
How did you know that?
VAL
What is she, your sex therapist?
FORBES
From time to time. Of course we only remit minimum wage to her, given her particular circumstances. Everyone’s on minimum wage here. So there’s no jealousy.
VAL
Even the registered nurses?
FORBES
If I put you in a white uniform, wouldn’t you look like a nurse? And pretty soon you would feel like one too. And could an outsider tell the difference?
VAL
But what about inspection?
FORBES
There aren’t enough inspectors to form their own basketball team. Slaughterhouses get inspected more often than we do. Say, have you ever thought of geriatric psychiatry?
VAL
Coldly I’m perfectly normal and I’m not that old.
FORBES
I mean as a career.
VAL
Can you make a living at it?
FORBES
Can you? Do you realize that two thirds of all the health budget is spent on people in the last third of their lives?
VAL
Well, forget psychotherapy. For them the only therapy is pharmatherapy!
FORBES
That’s why I own a pharmacy right on the premises.. Most inmates have at least a half dozen prescriptions. It takes forever to sort out the drug interactions. We gave up trying long ago.
VAL
Well at least their lives are manageable. For you.
FORBES
But I disagree with you about group therapy. I charge for group every day.
VAL
How can you? Those people are zombies.
FORBES
Allow me.
Addresses BUCK and HELLER
Alright you two! Therapy time! Mr Bright? Would you like to discuss why you act like a stereotypical black man from a Shirley Temple film, even though you are obviously Caucasian? Now, now, faking sleep isn’t the way to break through, is it? Very well. As you wish. Now Mr. Heller, would you like to talk about your deep seated feelings of claustrophobia?
Heller frantically beeps and flashes
No? Let’s try again tomorrow. Remember. We can’t help you unless you help yourself. And I just helped myself to two hundred bucks. That’s talk therapy.
VAL
Good, you bill to the closest hour. Does anyone ever speak?
FORBES
Not words you would recognize, no. That’s over medication for you. But the opportunity is there. And the families feel good, knowing that we haven’t given up on their loved ones. And many of our other “nurses” had medical experiences in their home countries. Often other than child birth. But we don’t have a staff psychotherapist.
VAL
But what would I do? Most of your clients in the nursing home seem so …….
FORBES
Peaceful? They also tend to be good for fifteen hundred to two thousand a month until the end of their lives. Did I mention that at Happy Valley we believe in the quantity of life? We are so tight with the Catholic Church.
VAL
But what difference does it make if they live a long life or not? There’s always someone to replace the deceased client.
FORBES
Yes, but that someone is an unknown quantity, isn’t he? He has to be trained. His drugs have to be all worked out to achieve the utmost in serenity. Remember: the more serene you are, the less room you take up. Our long living units take up the least amount of storage. And the least amount of trouble.
VAL
What about the Mummy over there? He’s taking up more than his share of room I would say. So’s the lily-white guy. What’s his story?
FORBES
Buck is among our richer clientele. They stay in this, the residents’ wing.
VAL
That man is rich?
FORBES
A millionaire. With a sizable estate. Which he has at our urging, turned over to the Last Gasp Foundation should he pass away.
VAL
The Last Gasp Foundation. Is that the poster? reading. “Make a Senior’s life-long dream come true. Send him or her to Coaster World in Florida. After eighty, it’s time to coast!”
FORBES
Seen our ads?. People love the shot of the senile riding the “Big Enchilada” at Coaster World. You wouldn’t believe the donations. There’s a lot of guilt out there. We rake in a million dollars a month easily.
VAL
You make that much?
FORBES
Of course not. I’m only the President of the Foundation.. I make half that amount. The rest goes to advertising, mostly. Well, there’s the air ambulances to take the senior to Orlando airport. And the off duty ambulance rentals to get to the park. But that’s only once or twice a year. Not that many seniors want to ride a roller coaster in Florida.
VAL
The look on their faces in some of those close up shots!
FORBES
There’s something else. I have recently learned that there is a traitor in our midst. I want you to employ your deep knowledge of the human psyche to ferret her out and then dispose of her. Are you up for it?
VAL
Of course I am, I’m a psychopath!
FORBES
No, you’re just a sociopath. I’m a psychopath!
VAL
But look how far I’ve come in my profession!
FORBES
Look how much money I make!
Together
We’re both psychopaths!
There is a silence
VAL
So Buck is going to Florida?
FORBES
To experience the G forces that you will swear to be so necessary to his mental health.
VAL
Won’t that kill him?
FORBES
When the Buck passes the money stops here.
VAL
He’ll leave his estate to the Foundation?
FORBES
As will Mrs. Dark , but it looks like the coma will finish her off.
VAL
Does she have…
FORBES
Much of an estate? A half a mill and she willed it all to the Foundation!
VAL
She did not.
FORBES
Did too. I could show you the will. Drawn up a year ago.
VAL
Well I could show you a will drawn up a month ago. Where she leaves it all to her son!
FORBES
I don’t believe it.
VAL
I witnessed it. I was there.
FORBES
Unless you were blind, of course you did.
VAL
No. Legally I was the witness. I signed it.
FORBES
So the new will is legal?
VAL
Perfectly.
FORBES
But why?
VAL
Because I signed it! I just explained that to you!
FORBES
But why did she change her will?
VAL
Oh. Pause Because she thought that the prospect of inheriting her entire fortune would cheer Jason up.
FORBES
I see.
VAL
It didn’t though. He started to obsess that she would kill herself just to make him rich. He was actually hinting that he would preempt her by killing himself first. He was half my income. Pause What am I saying? He’s not dead yet.
FORBES
No, he’s rooming with Mom in our ICU in some kind of coma too. If he should die before his mother…..
VAL
But you wouldn’t…
FORBES
Wouldn’t what?
VAL
Don’t do it. It’s too risky!
FORBES
Do what?
VAL
The risky thing.
FORBES
What, forge a new will? Too risky. IRS watch us like hawks when it comes to wills. They have to be videotaped to demonstrate that the person is of sound mind. That’s costly to get around. The special effects, the animatronics. The occasional ventriloquist. It all adds up.
VAL
And too risky?
FORBES
Way too risky. Let’s just go inside and turn his machine off.
They get up just as Jason comes skipping in the door
JASON
Hello everyone I’m back! Val, what are you doing here? Isn’t it a beautiful day?
There is a rumble of thunder in the background, and a lightning flash
Curtain
ACT TWO, SCENE ONE
It’s twenty-four hours later. The scene is again the interior of the Infirmary. In the first bed, up left, is BUCK, lying with his hands behind his head on a pillow, with a huge gold chain around his neck. He is engaged in animated conversation with JASON, UC, who is in a similar position. Jason has given up his all-black outfit for some outlandishly colourful clothing he might have scrounged from a man with dementia. In the bed up right is MR. HELLER..
BUCK
So you Miz Dark’s little boy. My O My! Say, how yo’ mother doing?
JASON
Oh, she’s going to be fine, trust me.
BUCK
But ain’t she fighting for her life?
JASON
Dr Forbes is doing everything in his power to keep her alive. He told me himself.
BUCK
He good at that! I hope she make it.
JASON
I bet you do! You rascal! You fell out of her bed! That hurt?
BUCK
Taint supposed to hurt. Spozed to be powerful good. And she is! Yassuh! Make me glad to be alive. And that’s a fact! It hurt, you ain’t doin’ it right!
JASON
No, the stitches. Do they hurt?
BUCK
Lawdy no! Dey just gives me a powerful itch! Starts to giggle
JASON
You know, I don’t want to be offensive, but you talk like old time black men were supposed to talk. Though I don’t think they ever did.
BUCK
They sho nuff did on the radio. ‘Member Amos ‘n’ Andy? Rochester on Jack Benny?
JASON
But those films! Stepin Fetchit? Ever catch his act?
BUCK
Never did.
JASON
Made a lot of films in the thirties. Coined the phrase “Feets don’ fail me now!”
BUCK
“Feets don’ fail me now!”. I like that. Say, you know a tolerable lot about ol’ time movies for such a young buck!
JASON
Yeah, second hand. Pause But you must have seen them the first time.
BUCK
Never did. Gots black blood. Couldn’t get in to no movie show.
JASON
Well you do have a nice tan….but you seem pretty white to me. Apart from your vocal stylings of course. When I close my eyes, you remind me a little of that old black guy in those Shirley Temple movies. Bill Robinson.
BUCK
Mr. Bojangles
JASON
That’s right, the dancer. You know, I’d just be careful talking that way around actual black people. They are likely to be offended by it.
BUCK
Sho’ nuff Boss!
JASON
Turns to Heller He just doesn’t get it. And are you black too?
Heller’s machine gives off some excited beeping
BUCK
He ain’t black!
JASON
How do you know? Have you ever seen him without the body cast?
BUCK
What you sayin’ brother?
JASON
Hey, don’t get excited! I’m just asking a question.
BUCK
No brother put up with dat. Day in. Day out.
JASON
Who is he? To Heller Who are you? More excited beeps
BUCK
He Mistah Heller, that’s all I knows. Ain’t no heller no more! Giggles He don’t say nothin’ to nobody!
JASON
I was like that once. A complete recluse. But what’s he got to be depressed about?
BUCK
You crazy? The man’s all swallowed up in concrete. Fool!
JASON
He’s got a little problem. But no problem is so great that we cannot solve it.
Buck
You got a jack hammer?
JASON
Listen, I’m just saying that we and our perceptions are our own worst enemies. He perceives he’s enmeshed in a body cast and he withdraws into himself. It’s a self esteem issue.
BUCK
He don’ perceive. He plain is! He better off dead!
JASON
Buck, and I want to call you Buck, if that’s all right with you. Buck, he just needs to empower himself. You just don’t ever write yourself off. And nobody is better off dead, trust me.
BUCK
Nobody better off dead, dat right?
JASON
That’s right.
BUCK
An’ didn’ you go out in the pourin’ rain wid your mama for to get hit by lightnin? Put yo’ mama clean away!
JASON
That is so far from the truth. Boy.
BUCK
Don’t you call me “boy, honkey!
Enter Helga. Once more she is wheeling the tray with a feather duster, massage oil and towels
HELGA
OK boys! On your tummies! Massage!
She approaches MR HELLER. The machine beeps wildly. HELGA whips out the duster and gives him a thorough cleaning. Then she prances over to the others, stopping in between BUCK and JASON’s gurney. She has a squirt bottle in each hand and she squirts lotion on each back.
Lotion!
With her left hand only, she starts to slowly massage JASON’S back.
JASON
You know that’s really very good. Quite comforting. Nice circular motion. You really do a good job. I’m feeling quite relaxed and uninhibited.
HELGA Stops massaging JASON and starts massaging BUCK in the same way with her right hand.
BUCK
OH MAMMA DAT FEEL GOOD!! C’MON GIRL BRING IT!!
Helga gets into it
THAT IT WOMAN, DO IT LIKE YOU KNOW HOW!!
HELGA stops with BUCK and goes back to JASON with her left hand.
JASON
Boy, you do a good job. I’ll say this for you: You’re the consummate professional. I know it’s cliché, but you are rubbing me the right way!
Giggles to himself. HELGA stops with JASON and recommences with BUCK.
BUCK
THASS IT GIRL, NOW WORK IT, HONEYCHILE. YEAH JUS’ LIK’ DAT, YOU DA WOMAN, HELGA HONEY.
HELGA intensifies with a hint of pelvic thrusting
LOWER, BABY, LOWER. YEAH, NOW HIGHER. YOU ALL WOMAN, BABY CAKES, YEAH YEAH YEAH ZZZZZZZZZZZZ
BUCK has fallen asleep and begins to snore. HELGA sighs and continues to work on Jason
HELGA
Buck like rubby-dub.
Enter JEAN in her nurse’s uniform
JEAN
Am I interrupting something?
JASON
Jean! It’s so good to see you. I’d like you to meet Helga. She’s my masseuse.
JEAN
I know what she is. We would like some privacy, Helga. Could you take Buck outside?
HELGA stalks off, wheeling the snoring BUCK.
JEAN
That’s better.
JASON
Did you come to fluff up my pillow?
JEAN
I came to have a talk with you!
JASON
You sound angry. Is that jealousy I also hear?
JEAN
Of that tramp? That will be the day! Pause You know, it’s not like me to be critical of those in the sex trade. Especially an immigrant. What other work is there for them?
JASON
Maybe you’re in love!
JEAN
I’ve never been attracted to women. Jason, will you get your head on straight? Your mother is teetering between life and death, the Doctor and your fiancé are plotting together. The police have been here, and you are blathering on about love?
JASON
I can’t help it. I love you. I loved you when I first met you. When you went sprawling over my inert body. But my body isn’t inert now. It’s ert, baby!
JEAN
Ert?
JASON
Bring it on honey child. Like only you are able. To. You are an entire woman, baby cakes.
JEAN
Jason! You are an engaged man. Snap out of it!
She slaps his face
JASON
Thanks, Jean, I needed that. Perhaps you should perforate me with a fork while you are at it.
JEAN
Jason I’m sorry, but I’m scared. The Doctor frightens me the way he is talking with Valerie. And here you are relaxing!
JASON
It’s OK Jean. I have to stay here. I’m still under observation. Doctor’s orders. And don’t worry about Ma. She’ll pull through.
JEAN
Oh Jason, tell me everything is going to be all right.
She embraces him
I know I’m conforming to gender stereotype, but I feel so dis-empowered.
JASON
There, there, let me do the worrying for both of us.
JEAN
But that’s just it. You don’t seem worried at all.
We hear the sound of voices as Forbes and the Chief enter
JEAN
Someone’s coming . You pretend to be asleep. Maybe you can learn something. I’ll go check on your mother!
Enter CHIEF and FORBES.
CHIEF
Wait until I tell you about our huge break-through in the Snitch Line case! You won’t believe it! After you.
FORBES
No you go first, Chief. I learned never to turn my back on you when we were in gym class together.
CHIEF
The secret is to make sure the towel is wet when you snap it. Boy those were the days. High School.
FORBES
Couldn’t graduate fast enough. What a horror show! Now about that breakthrough.
CHIEF
That’s because you were such a little dweeb back then, Doc.
FORBES
Yeah. And you were an all-star athlete. Now what did you find out?
CHIEF
And you were president of the Library Club. Remember you used to sneak me those National Geographics they wouldn’t let us read?
FORBES
The ones about the cannibalistic tribes in Africa with the female chiefs? Oh yeah.
CHIEF and FORBES
Topless!!
CHIEF
No wonder they wouldn’t let us read them. I remember one issue where this cannibal tribe liked to perforate the skins of their victims with forks and use them as shower heads!
FORBES
You’re joking. You know I wanted to go into policing but my marks were too high.
CHIEF
Too bad. All these years after high school I’m making big bucks. And to think my Guidance Counselor wanted me to go back to school and get my grade ten.
Shakes his head
And here you are. How are you doing?
FORBES
Did you say you had news about the snitch?
CHIEF
I’m due for a big raise too. Crime pays.
FORBES
Really. What did you find out about her?
CHIEF
You know it’s a “can’t lose” profession. You ought to consider it. I don’t know how you stand it with all these elderly out here. And on that pittance of a salary. It’s time to stop being a martyr.
FORBES
I know, Chief. I tell myself that every night. So can you give me a name?
CHIEF
I don’t know how you do it. I would be totally depressed.
Enter HELGA, returning a still somnolent Buck on the Gurney to his rightful spot. Heller’s machine goes wild. She then exits stage right.
FORBES
Unplugging HELLER
It has its compensations. Pause What do you mean “It’s a “can’t lose Profession”?
CHIEF
First of all you have to use statistics.
FORBES
Statistics.
CHIEF
Yeah, to count the crime. Take this, for instance. He gooses FORBES
FORBES
Hey!
CHIEF
You know what that was?
FORBES
A painful flashback to high school.
CHIEF
It was sexual assault.
FORBES
No kidding?
CHIEF
I could pinch your bum…
FORBES
No thanks.
CHIEF
And that would be sexual assault also. The way you looked at that young lady a minute ago?
FORBES
Helga?
CHIEF
She could charge you with harassment.
FORBES
All those things can count as crime and be used as statistics?
CHIEF
Not count as crime. They are crime.
FORBES
Of course.
CHIEF
Sometimes in the Department? We’ll be having a bad month.
FORBES
Too much crime?
CHIEF
Not enough. That’s the beauty of it, when the crime rate is too high, you get more money to fight crime. And when the crime rate goes down, you get a performance bonus.
FORBES
You’ve got a goldmine! So about the Snitch-
CHIEF
-I just wish people were having more sex.
FORBES
So you could charge them?
CHIEF
No, you see, the larger the proportion of young people in the population, the higher the crime rate. I mean real crime, like murders. Stuff I never get to see. But people are watching all these crime shows on television. Studies show that the more TV you watch, the worse you think the crime situation is.
FORBES
For you, that’s good!
CHIEF
No that’s bad! Because those people are watching crime on TV instead of having sex, and producing young criminals. You know, until recently, I had no idea how much pornography there is on line.
FORBES
That’s bad!
CHIEF
No, that’s good! You want couples to watch porn, and breed like rabbits! We need those babies!
FORBES
Problem is the general public prefers to watch violence and death. It’s a sick world out there. Now. The Snitch Line. Any names?
CHIEF
No But we got it narrowed down to two of your female employees.
FORBES
We only have Helga and Jean!
CHIEF
Don’t worry Doc. We’ll identify the whistle-blower. Gotta idea! Let’s find Helga. and frisk her!
EXIT FORBES and CHIEF
Jason sits bolt upright. He slides off the Gurney, runs over to Heller, and turns his machine on. Nothing.
JASON
Mr. Heller! Mr Heller! Talk to me ! Start breathing!
Frantic, Jason checks his pulse, but it’s useless through the plaster. He then tries to give him mouth to mouth through the little hole. Finally the lights go on and the machine starts to hum.
Thank God!
Enter Valerie with a briefcase.
VAL
What are you doing?
JASON
Val – Thank goodness you’re here. There’s a guy in there, fighting for his life!!
VAL
Your mother is fighting for her life. That’s just a plaster model the staff practice on. Dr. Forbes told me.
JASON
Really? And to think I was trying to give it mouth to mouth. That’s kind of funny isn’t it?
VAL
It shows how unwell you still are. Pause Jason! You are lying in a bed!
JASON
Isn’t it wonderful?
VAL
You said you couldn’t. You said it all went back to lying in your crib when your father tried to murder you.
JASON
I’m a changed man. Pause Do you have any lip balm? That plaster really chafes.
VAL
That’s nothing compared to rug burn. Well. Let’s just see. She goes into the briefcase What have we here? She brings out a straight razor
JASON
What’s that?
VAL
It’s a straight razor silly. I thought you might need a shave. I’ll put it right here next to you in case you need it in the middle of the night. Let’s see, lip balm, .lip balm… oh here’s something!
She brings out an ice pick
JASON
Is that an ice pick?
VAL
You might need it. It’s so hot in here.
She rummages some more and brings out a container of pills
There we are, some sleeping pills.
JASON
Reading the label
“Take a handful with a glass of vodka before retiring”.
VAL
Why don’t you take them right now? Pulls out a bottle of vodka Here we go.
JASON
But I slept like a baby last night. In my very own bed.
VAL
Come on, that’s my little Butter Bum!
JASON
Honey, your little Butter Bum isn’t really sleepy weepy yet. Maybe later.
VAL
Sighs Alright
Back into the briefcase, she hauls out a piece of hangman’s rope with a noose
JASON
What’s that for?
VAL
That’s going to enhance our lovemaking. You want to try it out?
JASON
Val, we have to talk.
Valerie puts the briefcase away and pulls up a chair beside Jason’s bed
Listen I have something to confess to you.
VAL
So do I. I slept with Dr. Forbes last night.
JASON
You did?
VAL
Look, no rug burns. We did it all night. He was insatiable. Four times, Jason. And that was before we got our clothes off. Then twice while he was brushing his teeth. Five times while he was turning down the coverlet. I was an animal.
JASON
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
VAL
But Jason in all our lovemaking, you never accomplished that once.
JASON
I hate lay analysis.
VAL
Doesn’t that make you sad? And I, your fiancee, betrayed you. Doesn’t that make you angry? I just hope you don’t direct that anger inward as you have in the past.
JASON
Val, Val. Val. There’s nothing for me to be angry or sad about. It just confirms what I have always suspected. You are a sex addict. So you are not responsible for your behaviour.
VAL
I’m not?
JASON
Of course not. Are drug addicts responsible for their behaviour? No. They want to be different, but they can’t. The addiction is too strong. That’s why nobody can quit smoking.
VAL
You quit smoking.
JASON
Or quit drinking.
VAL
You quit drinking.
JASON
Or quit having sex.
VAL
You quit having sex.
JASON
But I was a depressive. That made it easy to quit. I didn’t want any pleasure in my life. That’s why I hooked up with you.
VAL
Pardon?
JASON
So you could treat me. But I said “was”. I’m cured. You did it darling! I was feeling guilty, but your confession has freed me of that.
VAL
I did? You don’t feel sad any more? Have suicidal thoughts?
JASON
Nope.
VAL
You don’t have to pretend with me Jason. Look at the state the world is in. If I weren’t such a coward I’d kill myself. Look, how about a suicide pact. You go first then me. Like in Romeo and Juliet.
JASON
Val, the world is getting better all the time.
VAL
Drought and starvation!
JASON
Longer life span!
VAL
Ebola!
JASON
Antibiotics!
VAL
Old age!.
JASON
Viagra!
VAL
Professional wrestling!
JASON
Baseball!
VAL
Materialism!
JASON
Love! Pause You see, for every bad thing you can name, I can name a good thing. You know it’s dawned on me: We all want a perfect world. But if the world were perfect, what good could we do? There would be nothing to struggle against or to struggle for.
VAL
Yes, life is a struggle. Isn’t that depressing?
JASON
Val, can you imagine a perfect world where nobody dies? It would be as boring as hell. We all need to die.
VAL
Some of us more than others! But don’t you find death depressing? Doesn’t it make you want to end it all?
JASON
We are all going to die Val, it just means we better get hopping and do some good in the world. While we can!
VAL
I can’t believe I’m talking to the same person. But there is one last test. Lie down on your bed.
JASON
No, Val. I can’t. Not with you. I’ve met someone else!
VAL
Not that tramp, Helga!
JASON
It’s not Helga.
VAL
Then whom?
JASON
“Who!”.
VAL
Quit stalling. Whom are you sleeping with?
JASON
That’s better. See, “whom” is the object of the preposition “with”. But your big mistake is to assume I’m sleeping with her, not to mention ending your sentence with the preposition “with”. That’s something up with which I will not put! That’s a grammar joke.
VAL
Since when did you become a grammar expert?
JASON
I’m not. Of course my mother harps on it all the time. Pause Oh my God! More proof!
VAL
Out with it. Who is she?
JASON
She’s the nurse here. Her name is Jean.
VAL
Her? That little mouseburger?
JASON
Would you rather it were Helga?
VAL
“It was Helga”
JASON
I just told you it was Jean.
VAL
You said “it were Helga” you should of said “Would you rather it was Helga” There is only one Helga. Thank God.
JASON
Oh you silly. “Were” is not the plural. It’s the subjunctive mood signifying wishes and desires.
VAL
I didn’t know that.
JASON
And you should talk. Or maybe you shouldn’t. Do you realize you said “should of said”, instead of “should have said”? If you don’t mind me saying so you have some real grammar issues. As a playwright, you don’t know what that does to my ears.
VAL
Grammar is just a bunch of arbitrary linguistic arrangements designed to make playwrights feel superior and avoid the important things in life, like your little mouseburger!
JASON
She’s a warm loving woman. If anything ever happened to her I’d kill myself. Pause What?
VAL
Do you mean that? Lay down on the bed.
JASON
Don’t you mean “lie down on the bed”?
VAL
Down! Pause It’s just little test dear.
Jason
Lies down on the bed
I’ll humour you.
VAL
Flips up the protective barriers on both sides, preventing Jason from falling out
What does this remind you of, Jason?
JASON
Nothing. It doesn’t remind me of a crib, if that’s what you’re getting at.
VAL
Doesn’t it? It’s pretty coffining if you ask me.
JASON
“Coffining”?
VAL
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say “coffining”.
JASON
Stop.
VAL
That sounds too much like “coffin”.
JASON
Please stop.
VAL
What I meant to say was “confining”.
JASON
No!
VAL
As in nowhere to go.
JASON
No .No!
VAL
Like that night your father came for you!
JASON
Aieeee! Aieee! Aieee!
His whole body starts to twitch uncontrollably, like an electrified worm. Then suddenly he lapses into unconsciousness.
Curtain
ACT TWO SCENE TWO
We are back on the deck of Happy Valley. It’s a half an hour later. Thunder and Lightning. Valerie and Forbes flank Jason lying in his Gurney with the sides up.
FORBES
Shouldn’t we tie him down?
VAL
Trust me . As his analyst I can assure you: He’s paralyzed with fright. He’s not going anywhere.
JASON
You’ll never get away with this! You will fry!
FORBES
Actually, I think you will. We simply connect this wire from the flagpole to the metal of your bed and wait for Mother Nature to play her part.
JASON
Haven’t you heard? Lightning never strikes twice in the same place!
VAL
It doesn’t have to Jason. Anywhere between the pole and this bed and you’re toast!
JASON
Toast?
FORBES
Burnt toast, if you will.
JASON
That could take all afternoon.
VAL
It’s supposed to storm all afternoon. The perfect accident, after we unhook the connections.
She gives Forbes a steamy kiss
JASON
I’d be crazy to be out here in this .
VAL
No, Jason. You would have to be suicidal. And your history is well known. I’ll be testifying at the inquest.
A blast of thunder and lightning
FORBES
Damn, that would probably have got him. Hook him up!
Valerie attaches the wire. Enter Helga in her maid outfit, pushing a wheelchair with Jean tied in.
Over here, Helga.
Helga plants the wheelchair next to Jason’s Gurney and exits.
JASON
Jean! They got you too!
FORBES
I’m going to miss you Jean. You will be hard to replace. But I’m afraid your relationship with Mr. Dark here has doomed you. Not to mention the Snitch Line.
VAL
We’re going to find out how grilled mouseburger smells.
FORBES
Make sure her chair is touching the bed.
JEAN
Jason! I’m scared!
JASON
Don’t worry darling. If they are waiting for lightning to strike close enough to do any damage, they don’t know much about the laws of probability.
Another blast and lightning flash
You look marvelous in that light.
JEAN
Oh Jason, I just want to tell you that if we ever get out of this mess, I want you to be my husband, even if you are a man. I want to make a home for you and have your baby!
VAL
Then I’d advise you to invest in the best underpadding you can get for your broadloom.
Enter Helga, pushing Buck on his Gurney
FORBES
Park him right next to Jean, Helga, and make sure he’s touching her chair. That’s it.
BUCK
What’s up?
FORBES
Oh, nothing you need to worry about, home boy. We’re just going to put a few volts through that lily white body of yours.
BUCK
What about the Big Enchilada.?
FORBES
I expect it will be broiled like the rest of you.
JASON
I think he means the coaster at Coaster World.
FORBES
I knew that. Sorry Buck, no can do. But don’t worry, you should get quite a rush out of this!
JASON
Buck! You aren’t talking that way now. What’s up with that, brother?
BUCK
Well, when you were talking about Mr. Heller encased in his concrete and withdrawing from the world, I realized that I’ve been encasing myself in my blackness. You know part of it was your Momma’s fault. She liked it when I would talk to her especially black like. Especially when we….you know, got together.
Thunder, lightning. Enter Helga, pushing Ma in a wheelchair
JASON
Ma!
VAL
Don’t bother Jason, she’s still in a coma. Right next to Buck. That’s it.
Exit Helga
JEAN
You’re inhuman, both of you, even Valerie.
VAL
We’re just trying to see if we can shock her out of it, that’s all! You, know, I didn’t know that evilness could be so much fun!
JASON
Val, technically there’s no such word as “evilness”. The word is evil.
VAL
There’s no such word as “Lightningboltosis”, either, Grammar Boy, but you are going to be suffering from it shortly. And I do mean shortly!
Thunder, lightning. Enter Helga, pushing Mr. Heller attached to the machine, beeping frantically
JASON
How could you? If you want to kill him, why not just unplug his machine? Have you no decency?
VAL
We need him for the symmetry. Right there Helga next to Mrs. Dark. Now, clean up the contacts..
During the following conversation, Helga sets to dusting everyone off.
You see, when this is all over and the bodies are removed, we are going to have a piece of fabulous sculpture for our foyer!
JASON
Do you think the police are stupid?
There is a silence
What are they going to think when they see us like this?
FORBES
Oh, it won’t be quite like this! Ever roast marshmallows?
VAL
You were so depressed, you wanted your new girlfriend Jean to go with you, and your mother of course, and you felt sorry for Mr. Heller.
JASON
What about Buck? Why him? He’s in great shape.
FORBES
Well, of course, you wanted Daddy to go with you..
JASON
Daddy?
VAL
Oops.
BUCK
Doc, you promised not to say anything until the time was right!
FORBES
Sorry Buck, it slipped out. But what better time is there than this?
JASON
He’s my father? You are my father?
BUCK
It’s the truth. Hope to die!
Huge crash of thunder. Ma is roused from her coma
JEAN
Jason. Look! Your mother.! She’s coming out of it!
JASON
Ma!
MA
Son!
JASON
Why didn’t you tell me that Buck was my father?
MA
I was sleeping with him wasn’t I? Do you think I would sleep with just anyone?
Pause
OK, maybe at first.
JASON
To Buck
Dad? Why did you try to smother me?
MA
I just made that up, son.
JASON
He didn’t try to kill me?
BUCK
Why would I go and do that? Son.
MA
Your father left us because he was ashamed of himself. He gambled on some baseball game and everywhere he went people would remind him. He couldn’t stand the thought of you growing up and finding out your Daddy was an original Black Sox.
JASON
You bet against your own team in the 1919 World Series?
BUCK
See, I told you!
To Jason
We was acquitted in court.
MA
‘Were”, Buck “We were acquitted in court”
BUCK
You weren’t there.
MA
It’s a point of grammar. “We were” not ‘We was”
BUCK
Well we was. Pause I took money from gamblers, but I didn’t do anything to throw the game. So they took after me. I hid out in the Negro leagues. Took that money, invested it in the Market, got out before the Crash, bought a team of my own, and the rest is history. Married your Ma when I was sixty. That’s forty years and gone now.
MA
Your father always sent us money son. He’s a rich man, did you know that? I wrote him when I came here. And you know what? That old black magic was still there.
FORBES
Yes, well, I’m glad it worked out for you. Just spare me the octogenarian details.
JEAN
That is so ageist!
VAL
You two aren’t going to be rich much longer. Time to say goodbye!
JASON
Ma, how do you feel?
MA
I feel good.
JASON
I do too! You know what that means?
FORBES
Well, I’m thrilled that every one is feeling fine. It’s a great way to go out. But I’m afraid that feeling is soon to be short-lived.
Thunder, lightning
JASON
Don’t you get it? We both feel good!
VAL
So?
JASON
It means, Ma and I didn’t switch personalities after all. It means I’m a changed man. To Jean And you’re the one who changed me! I love you!
JEAN
I love you, Jason!
Everyone embraces everyone else
Helga, come over here and join in!
HELGA’S DUSTER:
Agent Prentice, we’re closing in!
FORBES
What’s that?
VAL
It’s coming from the duster! Grabs it There’s a microphone in there! She’s wired!
FORBES
Grabs Helga, pats her down. .Lovingly
There’s something in her stocking top. Look. A gun, a badge and some cuffs. She’s FBI!
VAL
Cuff her to the Gurney. I want to see her squirm!
FORBES
Me too! Pause I’ve seen those cuffs before. I just thought…..well, never mind what I thought.
Thunder lightning
HELGA
Why don’t you give up, Forbes?
FORBES
She speaks English. She’s not Swedish!
HELGA
Of course not, you fool. Special Agent Helga Ann Prentice. We’ve been watching you since you claimed you were a vet and scammed Medicaid.
VAL
Veterans deserve Medicaid!
HELGA
Not veteran. Veterinarian! Claimed very time he treated an animal.
FORBES
I can explain that. Pause I so wanted you to be Swedish!
HELGA
With a name like Helga? Get real!
FORBES
I know, but secretly I hoped you had been born near the German border. Swedish promiscuity married to German discipline.
HELGA
There is no German border in Sweden, you fool! The only German border I’ve ever been near was at my mother’s rooming house! But that’s history.
VAL
You are going to be history, you pseudo Swedish trollop!
FORBES
But what about Night Shift Nurses Three? You were soooo convincing!
HELGA
Helped you buy my Swedish sexpot imitation, didn’t it?
FORBES
That was an act?
HELGA
As if any woman in this day and age would want to be some man’s sex toy.
MA
It’s not so bad.
VAL
Not at all!
HELGA
Give up now. The Chief is on the way. Even as we speak.
VAL
Too late. Oh Forbsie I have the most delicious feeling. The hair on my neck is starting to stand up. Just like last night! Oh God!
FORBES
You know what that means folks? Say your prayers because your lightning bolt is on the way!
There is a tremendous crack of thunder and flash of lightning, with accompanying smoke. We see Forbes and Valerie flat on the ground unconscious.
JEAN
It missed us!
JASON
It hit them!
Enter the CHIEF with a walkie talkie and gun
CHIEF
Helga! Thank God you’re OK!
JASON
Climbing off the Gurney
We are OK too, Chief!
CHIEF
Freeing Helga
Yeah. Untie the others. I’ll let Jose out.
JASON
Jose?
He starts freeing the others
CHIEF
Lifts up top of the body cast on Heller to reveal him, mummy style
All right?
HELLER
OK
CHIEF
All right.
Puts lid back down
Helga, get him inside and cut him out of there. Senor Jose Wences, ladies and gentleman, Special Agent extraordinaire!
Forbes and Valerie have come to.
FORBES
But how?
CHIEF
You made it easy for me Forbes, underestimating me. I knew that Snitch Line thing would flush you out. You see, I went back to school. Picked up an MA in criminology. So let’s go. The new copter’s over there. And don’t talk to the pilot. It’s his maiden voyage and he’s late for his city council meeting!
Exit Valerie Forbes and Chief. Ma and Buck are in a deep private conversation.
JASON
I can’t believe I climbed out of that crib myself!
JEAN
Oh, darling you’re cured! But now what?
BUCK
I’ll tell you what. I’m giving you two a wedding present!
MA
Buck’s decided to buy Happy Valley and we want you and Jason to run it. Properly. You don’t have to decide now. Buck and I have some important business pending. In my room. Come, my little Superfly!
BUCK
OK Scarlet!
They exit hand in hand
JASON
Well, what do you think?
Jean gives him a long steamy kiss.
JEAN
Jason, would you marry me? And don’t worry. That lightning bolt didn’t affect me in the least.
JASON
Would I!
JEAN
Would I? That reminds me of a joke. This guy wants to take this girl to a dance, but he has a wooden eye, see…….
They walk offstage arm in arm
CURTAIN
